told him it's over

[butterflybee]

I was away for a week and had a few great conversations with family and friends who have known me for ages. It made me feel really sane and happy and .. I found myself thinking 'is this really my life' on more than one occasion when explaining what's going on (in a nutshell - controlling behaviour and emotional abuse - I said it! Yay!)

When I got back, the atmosphere immediately changed. Partner and I immediately started argueing, which he blames totally on me. I told him I'm done, I don't want to live with him any more. We.. had a reasonable conversation about it but he seems to think it will just go away. I suppose because I've talked about leaving before and not actually done it. He put on the charm offensive. For 48 hours. Then called 4 times to reconfirm an already at least twice confirmed plan to each drop one kid off at childcare, all while I was trying to get us out the door and off to work on time (so I didn't hear phone or notice until walking out and then was focusing on a tantruming daughter). When we got to the nursery, he was angry I hadn't replied to phone calls and said it was good to know I'm ignoring him.. other stuff too.

So.. I keep bringing separation up and trying to talk about how it can happen. Last night he asked me what he can give me to leave. It felt like an attempted buyout. (I had been suggesting he moves out as he's got family in the country and works 50+ hours a week, whereas I'm on 22.5 to spend time with the girls - either to get half of equity whenever we do sell or possibly pay out half of equity now.) I made it very clear I'm not leaving without the girls, although will not restrict access and didn't really reply to his suggestion. I guess I need to think about that some more.

This morning - a 4 page letter saying lots of lovely things I haven't heard in ages and 'I need you, my life will fall apart without you' and a list of what he will 'offer' if I stay and try for 3 months - mostly some time in house without girls, more family time, pay for a massage. All very nice, especially the compliments at the start. And it does not address the things I've been directly asking for - consistent respect for me in general, especially respect for my boundaries, consistency in general - doing what he says's he'll do, him not putting me down especially in front of the girls, at least properly listening to things (in general) I'm suggesting before turning them down, seeking & actively engaging in help to improve communication.

So... I've written more than I meant to. I guess I wanted it out & on paper (well, screen really) and am trying to sort out my head for next steps. It still feels really final - I was so energetic and excited when I said it was over - just more complicated than before.

They all do that, you know: promise you the moon when it's clear you've had enough and really might leave. As you recognise, nothing fundamental is really going to change and you'll soon be back to the bad old situation. You can agree to three months if you feel you owe it to him but frankly, it's only dragging things out.

There's a lot of good advice about separation and ending partnerships on the 'net. CAB do a good introduction to the subject here.

I have been where you are now and received exactly the same kind of letter. I fell for it and nothing changed in the long run.

We've been broken up a year now and he still sends me charm offensive emails now and again; just testing the water.

If you've made your mind up, don't change it now. IME things won't be better for long.

Thanks for the reinforcement. It does feel like pretty paper over a pile of sh*t. I just need to work out next steps - think the first one is to move me & the girls into the bigger room, him into smaller & possibly get a lock on the door so I've got at least one space in the house that's just mine. From what I've read and discussions I've had with other people the separation process could take a while even if I'm not waffling.

Get legal advice ASAP.

Sort out your finances, if you have a joint account make sure he is not about to empty the bank account and leave you and your girls with nothing (been there).

Set up your own bank account if you dont already have one, so you can transfer direct debits for bill payments to your own account.

Make sure your passports and your childrens passports and birth certificates are somewhere safe and your marriage certificate is accessible, you will need it if you are going to petition for divorce.

In my experience it is better to be the petitioner than the repsondent in divorce!

Rally friends and family around so you have real life support.

Do you need a lock on the door because you think he will physically attack you? Or come into your room and try to have sex on you? If so, call Women's Aid and discuss it with them - if this man is abusive he can be forcibly removed from the house and kept out.

HERE is the number for Women's Aid.

I agree with others that the letter is one last attempt to keep hold of you, or even a hold over you.

I think we've all been there. The 'sorry' letter. He won't change. He's had plenty of chance to do this before now so why wait?

I agree also that RL support is a life saver when trying to seperate.

He's not physically or sexually violent in any concrete way. I would want the lock so he doesn't come in at random times and just stand over me and watch until I acknowledge his presence because he 'wants to talk' - even if I've said multiple times I'm not up for any more talking at that time (might be 4am or after more than an hour of increasingly unproductive discussion). And there has been an escalation recently - again not physically violent but scared me. Felt threatening but he's very emphatic all he wanted to do was hug me (even though I told him I wasn't up for a hug 4 or 5 times and was backing away until I ran into a bathroom, where he wouldn't let me close the door). I'm uneasy but have nothing concrete. Haven't decided on the lock - don't know if it would make things worse.

I think finances are ok for now. There's a joint account, but most bills come out of my personal one and there's a £500 overdraft limit so the worst case synario wouldn't be horendous. I've asked the bank about turning that one into a solo - waiting for a reply. Will call CAB and work based free legal advice now, thanks for the push. Then will try some WA contacts again.

And.. have started to rally RL support. It feels both good and a little (lot) daunting.

Just out of curiosity, why is it worse to be the respondent in divorce? I was hoping to go the mediation route before taking legal action to avoid cutting off the possibility of an amiacible split - unlikely as I think that is, I don't want to be the one making it not happen. I think that's where I feel I owe him something, at least for the moment. We have 2 kids who will have contact after this is all done.

It's not really possible to have mediation with an H who does not accept the very premise that you are separating/divorcing. And he clearly does not accept it, and probably will not for a very, very long time.

And even if he does agree to mediation, he will almost certainly do everything to drag out the process, if that's his only way of maintaining control over you.

I really would recommend getting legal advice and filing for divorce yourself.

Talk to WA, file for divorce, do this quickly. Sorry but this man is escalating, and physical abuse is quite likely now. He is losing control over you, this is the point at which abusive men become dangerous. You're already scared of him. It may be safer to take the kids and get out of the house for a while - this doesn't mean you forfeit your rights over the family home.

Ok.. I'm not quite at the filing for divorce on my own point but I'm sure as hell getting closer. I'm actively looking for 2 bed places to rent. I just want out, much more than anything else. he's being a sh*t. waking me up at 6am to demand that I make this all go away or at least actively discuss it now. sending a series of texts telling me he's desperate for us to work on our marriage and not give up. demanding i leave straight away (like, this minute). not keeping up his end of childcare agreements he suggested - today I needed time in the house to sort my head out before a job interview on monday and he first asked me to watch one girl so he could take the other to church on her own, then when he came back he just didn't leave. Missed the 2nd last rehersal of my daughter's ballet class to do it. Says he's thinking of going to a bedsit. Just all over the place.