Background: Husband and I met 8 7 years ago, was pregnant 2 months later, married 5 months later. We have had four children. He has now had the snip and with my youngest over the age of 1, I have gone back to work part time.
In the last 7 years, whilst our family has grown, our relationship has got steadily worse. DH is a drinker. He drinks every night, around 4-5 cans or a bottle of cider. When I met him, he was also a heavy cannabis smoker. About 6 months ago, I got him to stop. I dont want you to think I am controlling, the fact was, it was costing near on £40 every week and has other side effects. Like when he didnt have it...how stressed and angry he would be. Then last month I got myself a job, working 4 nights out of 7. The very first night I wasnt at home, he was smoking it again.
He is ten years older than me, but it feels sometimes that he just wants to act like a 15 year old. He works fulltime, a physical job. I manage everything else. He is great with the kids, unless he is withdrawing, then he is short tempered. He is normally okay with a drink in him, but occasionally he gets very nasty, shouts and calls me names.
I am not perfect myself, I was recently diagnosed with premenstrual dysphoric disorder and have been put on medication to help, which has worked fabulously, but previous to that, for two weeks of every month, I was very depressed, irritable and suicidal.
The other problem is our sex life. When we first got together it was great, but over the past 3-4 years, he has got....faster and faster, to the point any interlude we have lasts at most 5 minutes. In other words, he gets his way and i wonder why I bother.
Over the last 3-4 years I have tried lots of different things. I have tried to get him to seek help from doctor about drinking etc...he went but then didnt turn up for cpn appointments. I have tried telling him how I feel, he promises to change then doesnt. I really thought this time, that he had, when it came to the smoking and was so proud of him. It really hurt to find that the very first time I go to work, to earn us more money for our kids...he has gone and bought it again.
I know I still love him, but I dont know if i am still IN love with him. I dont know what i can do. I am not one that believes in walking out of marriages without doing all you can to make it work, but I dont know what else to do or try. I have tired to throw him out, to try make him see how bad things are, but he just refuses to leave. I am only mid twenties (he is late thirties) and the thought of life always being this way, leaves me cold.