He's making me feel like I imagined it all, but I didn't... did I?

[NosyRosie]

He was emotionally abusive. I've had a thread about it and received lots of support and advice. I certainly felt like what I was saying was being confirmed as emotional abuse.

He's been through all sorts of emotions since we split up; he's been angry, stand offish, begging.

He was here visiting DD yesterday and was pretty nasty, accusing me of affairs, slagging off my father etc

This morning I've had a series of text messages begging me to move to where he is, saying he still loves me, wants to make a life for us where we both grew up. (We moved 4 hours away a few years ago which is where I still am).

I know I shouldn't do it. But I feel like my memory is fading and I have to dig around to remind myself of all the shit. He spent so long yesterday talking about what he's telling his friends and family about our split that I'm doubting myself. He says his mum won't see me. No great loss, but it makes me so angry because I want to shake everyone and tell them the truth.

I know this is probably all sympomatic of an emotionally abusive relationship, so I suppose I'm just looking for reassurance that I'm not alone in feeling like this.

You are certainly not imagining it and yes,this is all symptomatic of an emotionally abusive relationship.

He is still trying to reel you back,and you are certainly not alone in experiencing this.
Why does he visit dd at your house.This must be terribly difficult for you,and is giving him the opportunity to continue with his abuse of you.

This is abusive - yesterday,in your house,during his visit to dd, he was "pretty nasty, accusing me of affairs, slagging off my father etc" then ,this morning,he sends text messages "begging me to move to where he is, saying he still loves me, wants to make a life for us where we both grew up." -well,read that back - all about him for a start,apart from being written and delivered potentially anywhere,and with any one else present....ie,not evidence that his sentiments are in any way genuine ,or motivated by consideration for you and dd.

It is damaging and hurtful for you to listen to all his stuff "about what he is telling his friends and family". Is there any way you can avoid him completely?.He knows the effect this is having on you.It is deliberate abuse,and you need to protect yourself.

I recognise that feeling of wanting "to shake everyone and tell them the truth".That will fade over time ,although it seems difficult to imagine,now.I really couldn't give two hoots what anyone believes about me and my experiences with xp these days.I know the truth,and me and my dc are living our lives just fine.But 18 months ago,I could not imagine feeling this way.

But,while you are still getting the crap,it is very,very difficult to break away.This is what you need to do.

Do not see him.Do not listen to him.Block his number - get legal support re contact if you have to,if it is drawn up and agreed,there should be no need for any other communication,you can take "emergency" arrangements into consideration at the drawing up stage,and stick to them - is there a close friend/family member who could be emergency contact,for example.

The button he is pushing is the one about your shared history and the plans and hopes you had together about your future.It is more difficult for you since you are living away,in a place you moved to for him.Any chance you could move back?You need to give yourself time and the opportunity to grieve for what you did not have and for those hopes and dreams.

He is expecting you to have already forgotten today when he was only nasty just yesterday? That's kind of insulting, isn't it, implying your memory is that short? If he can't be polite a mere two days running, when you don't even live together, then the chances of making a renewed, happy life with him in it are slightly worse than those of a snowball in Hell.

Write it down, is my advice. Every time he says or does something you don't like, write it down. Just a quick jotting in a pocket diary will do: "called me slag on handover, said my father was [whatever]"... Do it on the spot, then when you start to doubt your memory, you'll have a record. After a couple of months, read it back, and you'll be astonished at just how often he picked and poked at you. And that's with limited contact. He could do it every hour of every day if you shared a living space. What joy!

VERY good advice from Annie there. I wish I'd done that. I knew I was a wreck, but at the same time, I found myself having to rack my brains to remember all the things he'd done to me. I buried them. I normalised a lot of very crazy things because they were normal to him. He would scream at me and then ten minutes later put his arm around me, so without meaning to I took his 'cue' and acted normally minutes after he'd called me a bitch or a lazy, selfish [insert as applicable]

He has totally forgotten that he twice kicked down a bathroom door to 'get at me'. Years later, it's not that he's "denying it". He genuinely wouldn't remember it because at the time it seemed to him like a normal appropriate response to whatever I'd 'done'. It's shocking.

I agree with the writing down.

I had an ex who I can only describe as toxic, and almost impossible to get over.

At the time we were together, I always kept a diary. He got back in touch recently and we talked and said he wanted to be friends.

I got out my diary and read it back. Thank god I was reminded. Never spoke to him again.

Agree about writing a diary.
Good advice also about not letting him into your home. Arrange for him to see dd elsewhere and don't feel guilty about it. It's his problem so let him have to drive to another meeting point.
Stick to your guns and don't have him back.