NO SEX BOO!

[louisawhitegenius]

Just need to have a rant! Partner & I have gorgeous 4 month old daughter (1st baby) she is sleeping through the night no bother. He is at work and I'm home full time. He's never had a huge sex drive but we were pretty regular before and during my pregnancy. Now it is ZILCH! He gets 1 day off per week when if i'm lucky we will have sex. For the last 2 weeks he's CHOSEN to do work related training on his days off meaning he has been gone from the house every day for 12 hours + seems like forever since we had a day together or as a family.

I'm starting to get so resentful & i hate it! I hate the fact that I'm constantly pissed off with him but don't say anything, just lie there crying quietly to myself. He can be so loving and kind but it's almost like he goes into his own bubble and can't see me. He doesn't have to do any household crap when he comes home and never thrust our child at him when he walks through the door but i think in doing this I have created a rod for my own back. We eat dinner & then I get 'i'm soooo tiiiired' and instantly want to smack him one but say 'oh dear'. If i try & touch his sexually it is usually met with 'not tonight josephine' or words to that effect! Why can't I just tell him he fucks me off!

He is incredibly domesticated and can do washing, cooking, cleaning and is great with our daughter (when he's not 'tiiiiired') but i think i have ruined him by doing everything domestically and not telling him that i'm annoyed.

It's so hard because I never thought he would be like this but I fear it's my own doing and am scared that we're gonna end up having a sexless relationship with me silently bitting my lip forever.

HELP!!!

just read some of the threads on here from woman in abusive relationships and I realise how lucky i am, but it still fucks me off!

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I went through something the same thing and it almost destroyed me and DP.

Was he there with you when DD was born? If so did he see DD coming out during the birth? This can really disturb men believe it or not and sometimes it is the only thing that pops into their head during sex.

This happened to a friend of mines and the only way they got through it was talking. They are still together now and that was 3 years ago. Talk to him about the birth ect and ask how it makes him feel.

Hi there, thanks so much for your msg.

He was there at the birth (was in & out of hosp during the pregnancy with unexplained bleeding so was a bit stressful) but he stayed up near my head (at my request!:) This may be a bit too much info but we ended up having sex 2 weeks after she was born as due of the bleeding we hadn't had sex for 3 months + and we both agreed we should do it more but it's like every night I get told before we even go to bed that he'll be asleep as soon as he hits the pillow. A friend of mine said she thought maybe because he is so knackered he's worried he won't be able to perform and doesn't want the embarrassment . I know I need to talk to him but I don't want to stress him out (he does work his backside off) and appear a 'nag'

How did you get through it?

There's a whole load of reasons why some blokes (and some women) won't feel like sex 4 months after a baby arrives. People often talk about whether the bloke was there at the birth and whilst this does play a part, I don't think its the most significant reason in most cases. Everybody's role in the family has suddenly changed, you've become a mother, he's become a father. It can take time for couples to try and integrate their old roles - basically just DPs - into the new ones and often the physical relationship is one of the last things to come back. Also, if you're breastfeeding then maybe ask whether, when you do end up having sex, he wants them 'out' or not (you obviously have a say in this as well!). So many blokes I know found it really difficult to deal with the change in function of their DP's boobs (and women too).

If you weren't totally happy with your sex life before DC, then it does make it a bit more difficult, as you don't know how much of your current difficulties are caused by DC's arrival and how much is more historic.

Try and be patient, hard as it is. Don't stop talking about it, don't pretend that you're not bothered, just try not to put too much pressure on. Not the most helpful advice I know, but I do think that it isn't that unusual to not have sex for 4 months post-birth. And be happy that at least DC is sleeping through. Great news for when things hopefully do get back on track.

thanks deepheat. am starting to realise that things do change (some great, some not so great) but i will try and talk to him & also listen to his side. the only problem that we have historically is that i never had the balls/heart to talk to him whenever i'm annoyed.

it is great news that she is sleeping through but i thought that it was a sign that we would start having more physical relations and because it hasn't happened i'm at a loss as to what to do next. this is now spilling into our everyday life and i'm raging over every little thing he does.

he bought me & my daughter lovely gifts last night and then after dinner i suggested having an early night, he said yes & said i'll be in, in a minute. he fell asleep in front of TV and came to bed about 1am and was snoring before i could even kiss him goodnight. i'm reading this thinking i sound sooo pathetic but its been going on for months now and i'm so fed up of it. i'm up everyday at the same time as him and try and make his life as stress free as possible but in doing that i am sacrificing my own happiness and well being and also my daughter isn't seeing as much of her dad as she deserves.

moan! moan! moan! :)

I would suggest that one of the reasons he is so "tired" is the fact he is now a father.
My DH got mentally weighed down with the "responsibilty" of it all and I know it physically wore him out!

Give him (and yourself) a break it is early days, you are probably still a bit "hormonal" and because you are a home all day are probably more demanding of his attention than if you had been up half the night with a wingy baby, or had spent a day at work.

He sounds an OK type of bloke, he is just "adjusting", carry on being affectionate, but try not to be too demanding or emotional, give him a little time, I'm sure given time things will return to normal.

I think the sex part is fixable, but what's worrying about your posts to me is that you can't seem to talk about your feelings to your dh. You need to think about why this is: are you afraid of his reaction/of driving him away or afraid of what you'll say?

If you are holding back a lot of minor resentments you will either explode at some point or it will eat away at your relationship. I suggest you find some way of communicating what you're feeling to him.

Say you're finding it hard to express yourself, say you're feeling you've created a situation where you've taken on too much, and you could do with some help around the home. Say you're feeling tired too, and you're feeling fucked off. You might find a letter or something like that easiest? You need to get some kind of dialogue going.

You are all right! I have held this in for so long as he is a really good bloke and don't want to be slagging him off to our friends and family and then having other people interfere (hence why i am on here) I'm afraid of conflict in any aspect of my life so this has been a real struggle.

it's so nice to hear other perspectives and advice as sometimes you can be too close to a situation to see whats really going on.

the other thing that has brought it to this point is that his mum (who i adore) has confided in me that her marriage to his dad is nearly over and she feels it because she has kept so much in over the years. it has really made me think about how much i keep inside. my partner is a fab guy who is so laid back he's almost horizontal, i just think sometimes he gets too wrapped up in work and forgets that our little one will only be little for a while and that work is work! he keeps saying i should get out more (we're out most days!) he doesn't get that i want us to spend some time with HIM & nothing or no one else is gonna replace that, I can go out as much as i can but i still miss him. when it gets to much & i do have little crying fits he is so attentive and its almost like he realises what he's been like but it annoys me that i have to cry to make him see and then he goes back to leaving an hour early for work, going to the pub after work (3/4 times per week) sleeping in til 12 on days off, going in to work on days off (?) again reading this back i can see why he doesn't want to be home!

tell him!!!

you never know he might actually want it probably wants it and is thinking he's being considerate by not trying.

...I wish my DW had a sex drive