Part time love.............is bringing me down.........

[Melonballs]

My O/H and I have been together for 19 years. He works away from home for two thirds of every month. Over the years I have got used to him being away and have learnt to be very independent. It has got to the stage where when he comes home he just irritates me, and to some extent the DCs, and I can't wait for him to go. He has no idea and is very affectionate when here. I don't want to have sex any more which obviously causes major problems. We have three wonderful DC who would be devastated if we split up. I have a great job and could manage without him financially. I don't hate him and would hate to hurt him. I just don't want him around. i don't fancy anyone else and don't want an affair. In some ways I wish I still fancied him. I feel sad as I think I am short changing him. I am beginning to drink more to mask my feelings and am putting on weight again. I lost three stone last year and have already put on eight pounds since April thinking about this. Over the years I have had three E.As and one one night stand which he knows about and has forgiven. I am quite happy being on my own but want to be loved. A huge contradiction I know. I am now an only child due to my brother commiting suicide some years ago.. I would be grateful for any responses.

Currently on my fifth glass of 62% Whiskey, and still reasonably sober. Help!

Why are you still in the relationship then?

Ideally, which would you prefer - to have a happy marriage again with your DH or to end the marriage and go it alone/maybe find someone else?

Would he see the DC any less if you 'split up'? It doesn't sound like it. I think you might be best off having a talk with him and agreeing that you are not a couple any more but as your DC's co-parent he is welcome in the family home: if you reframe it that way between the two of you it might make you both happier.

Would you be happier if he was around more or do you really wish he was not around at all? It sounds like he cares you for you and certainly care for him if you don't want to hurt him. Do you think you could love him again? If you split and he found someone new how would you feel?

When you say you want to be loved do you think he doesn't love you? Because you say he is affectionate. Could you talk to him? Or suggest counselling? Could he try to spend more time at home?

It doesn't seem to me that you want to end your relationship, but that you want it to be a better relationship?

I'm very about the loss of your brother :( have you had support for that?

Wow, I wasn't expecting such quick replies. Thank you. Firstly, if he found someone else I would feel ....... relief. We did talk about parting before but he said he would refuse to see the DC's. I thought that would be awful so said I would stay. Seven years later.... here we are. I haven't had counselling for my brother. I have visited Psychics and prayed but nothing else. It's been 11 years and I am still angry with him. My O/H still ignores it. My eldest DC was six months when it happened. He never knew the other two DC's. My middle D/C is Autistic and I struggle to accept it although he is amazing. I think I am now an alcolcholic due to this. Currently on my sixth drink and still sober. I feel massive sadness and loss, for my brother ( whom I still miss), my O/H, who is short changed, and my son..... for the potential!!!!!!!! 61% proof does NOT numb the pain by the way!

You poor love.
do you drink because you are unhappy or are you unhappy because you drink?

What was different last year that motivated the weight loss?

I guess I drink because it stops me thinking. I have never talked to anyone about my feelings. I moved to this area some years ago and have no friends. I miss my brother and am angry with him even after all these years. I hate my O/H for wanting sex when he returns and feel violated because I can't say no. He really does deserve someone better. He is back tomorrow and he will want sex. I donj't. The poor man. I am now on my seventh drink. I feel shit and know I will feel worse tomorrow. I want to stop thinking. If I stop living I will go to hell!

Poor man, my arse! Your H is not a good man because he is aware that you are miserable and is doing fuck all about it. He is quite happy for you to be safely shut up at home looking after the DC and there for him to come and be domestically serviced by and have sex on. He doesn't 'deserve someone better' when he is so unkind and indifferent to you.
I'm so sorry about your brother. Don';t consult psychics, it won't help because they are all vultures who are only interested in your money (or if they are not, they will be well-meaning idiots who are unlikely to be able to help you reach a level of peace.)

Melonballs,I hope you manage to come back on here before your h gets back.

I agree totally with SGB.This man is calling all the emotional and sexual shots here.No way is he a "poor man".You are feeling violated;whether he intends this or not,it is absolutely not ok .
You don't have to have sex with him.
Are you safe?

Is he putting pressure on you? Have you told him you don't want to have sex,and if so,what does he do.Does he sulk,or does he carry on regardless,and you end up having sex against your will? - which of course is rape.

If this is happening,or has ever happened,please speak to Women's Aid

This does not sound like the sort of relationship you want or need.By drinking and keeping your feelings to yourself,you remain stuck in the same situation since it doesn't sound as if he is sensitive,kind ,or cares enough to notice and try to address your sadness.

A decent partner would be very concerned about you,and would certainly not pop in and out,demanding sex,regardless.

You deserve a better life.Which ever way you start to tackle this,and however difficult and uncomfortable that may be initially,it has got to be better for you than this.Your dc can only benefit from a happier mum.

There is lots of practical and emotional help and support on here if you feel unable, or are not yet ready,to contact anyone in RL.

I am really concerned for you.Please keep posting.

I am afraid that I disagree. You cannot blame your DS for your drinking or your DH for your relationship problems. You need to take some responsibility here too. Ask yourself some questions.

Why is he working away 2/3 of the time? If it is to provide for you and the DC, then why are you so hard on him.
Why do you not want sex with him when he gets back? Are there underlying issues?

You do deserve a better life than this, but you do have to engineer it yourself. It is NOT your husband's job to 'give' you a good life, but yours to take if you wish.

You say you don't need him financially and that you have a 'good job'. How does he feel? You haven't once mentioned his feelings in the situation.

Is he a good man who is bewildered by the withdrawal of his wife, or has he withdrawn himself also? There is not enough information in your OP to deduce abuse at this stage IMHO!

Be strong and face the immediate issues, you will not find solace in your 7th glass of whiskey and might I ask who is taking responsibility for your children right now because, although you are feeling sober, you are certainly not in any position to be looking after minors.

It was scummy for him to say that won't see your children anymore if you break up and makes me lose most of my sympathy for him. What a nasty thing to threaten and it's obviously helped keep you in this miserable position.

"We did talk about parting before but he said he would refuse to see the DC's."

I could have felt considerable sympathy for the OP's H until it came to that sentence. A good man wouldn't even think of saying a thing like that. Not fear of seeing less of his DCs, not how much he'll miss his DW, but a threat to cut his own children out of his life. That alone tells me this relationship does not have any more legs.

OP, don't use alcohol to numb your thoughts: get thinking!

Yes it's that that makes him the villain here: he wants his wife shut up in the house with DC so he can visit and get serviced when he feels like it.

Yeah, a decent man doesn't threaten to cut off his children in order to control his wife. And if he is that kind of man, they're probably better off without him anyway.

I am really sad to hear about your troubles, Melon. Of course I don't know you or your circumstances, but if I take what you say at face value I would say you are an alcoholic who is severely depressed after the death of her brother. Before you make decisions about your relationship, could you talk it all over with your GP and see if (s)he can help you? Some real life help and support could make all the difference. Take care.