Help! My mother and her attitude to ILs.

[alwaysthesame]

Background. My parents live 1.5hrs away. We see them about every 6 weeks or so. My ILs live 30 minutes away. We see them once a week, sometimes more and they look after DS regularly.

I was talking to my mum on the phone last night and I happened to mention the fact that my ILs sometimes pick DS up from nursery early and take him out to the park, etc. I might as well have said they take him to play on the motorway. Audible bristling on the other end of the phone and accusations of it not being 'normal' for GPs to pick children up from nursery early. I told her there was no reason to get stroppy about it and she wound up the call straight away, clearly pissed off. I should have known better than to mention them at all - this is just the latest in a series of similar incidents (which also pre-date DS' arrival) where she gets all narky with me if I mention the fact we've spent any time with ILs.

I can't help the fact we live closer to them and for that reason we see them more often. I'd rather spend the time with my own parents tbh, but life hasn't worked out like that. I'd love my parents to pick DS up from nursery but it's simply not going to happen any more than occasionally given the distance between us.

I know mum doesn't like ILs much and thinks they've damaged DH and his DB. She's probably got a point. I think she thinks I should limit their contact with DS so that he's not similarly damaged. God knows how she thinks I should do this though.

My sister doesn't get any of this, though she only sees her ILs about as often as my parents, as they are a similar distance away.

Does anyone have any practical advice or experience of how to deal with this. I used to have a fabulous relationship with my mum, but it's now frequently fraught with difficulty. I can't see any solution other than to move away from ILs (not going to happen) or my parents move closer to us (also not going to happen - their choice) or divorcing DH (definitely not going to happen).

Sheesh, what a pain!

Have you tried talking to her directly, saying that you see them more because of the distance and while you appreciate her concerns you are ensuring that your DS is ok?

Would she respond to that or just be a drama queen?

I have tackled the issue directly before. She told me that she always feels that we put ILs first and that she is 'sick of it'. We really don't. It is simply the distance. My parents worked until they both retired earlier this year and had (and still have) full and busy lives. In fact, my family never used to make anything of Mother's Day, anniversaries, etc, etc and ILs do. So I make sure that we visit my parents equally for these events, although sometimes I would love to stay at home.

There have also been a number of imagined 'slights', particularly around the time of my wedding. My ILs were rude to her at my wedding, and I wouldn't deny that. The things she thinks I did, however, are totally in her imagination.

Desperate bump.

All you can do is say "mother, you and you alone are my mother, I love you, I would love you to be able to spend more time with DS, I loathe the ILS too, you are so right, what can I do?" If she thinks you're more willing to bitch about the ILS occasionally then she might be placated, but be careful your DH doesn't get wind of it! it's crap, believe me I understand!

If you have already tried directness, I would take the coward's way out and mention the ILs to your DM as little as possible. Is there any reason your DM needs to know that your ILs pick your DS up from nursery early sometimes for example. I'm not suggesting lying, just vagueness. I have a DF/SM who are convinced we continually hang out with my ILs who live far closer (which is in general not true) and use this tactic.

I am amazed at how many people have to pussy foot around childish parents.

Op, I wouldn't even bother acknowledging her hissy fit over your pils picking up your DS early. It's unreasonable and irrational. If you're happy with it as your child's responsible mother, then that is how it is.

If you give time to petulance, then it just grows and grows.

I think you need to break it down and work out each issue.

She feels they have damaged DH and his DB. Do you? If so you need to consider how this does impact on your DS. Think there maybe a little projection here as you are worried about it and so are even more sensitive on that particular issue. Once you have decided how you feel on that then you can address your mums issues with it.

It is normal to pick up children early - my own parents do. It is jealously on your mums part that she cant. Could she come up and do that and stay over?

I agree with winky your mother is being ridiculously childish, unless of course there is some serious merit in her "damaged" you DH argument.

Just don't mention your IL's when you talk to her, avoid the subject, if she brings it up change the subject.
If she mentions to you that you don't talk about them any more just ask her "why she thinks that is?"
Don't let her wind you up over it

My Mum is just like this - but she lives abroad, much further than the ILs. Plus she works and my ILs are retired. Therefore they seen my DCs much more than my Mum does. She really does not like this and if I ever mention on the phone that the ILs are round, she also audibly bristles. I will tell you like it is:
(a) She is jealous pure and simple. And worried that the GC will end up loving your ILs more. This is nonsense, but you won't ever persuade her otherwise.
(b) The ONLY way to deal with it is not to mention the ILs. We recently went to Rome with my ILs but I just failed to mention it - vague is always good. I wouldn't out and out lie, but just no need to mention when they are around.

Good luck!

Tell her to grow the fuck up.

Thank you all. The reason she thinks my DH and his DB are 'damaged' is complicated but boils down to the fact that they haven't really grown up and away from them. I agree - my DH gets very anxious if he thinks something he is going to do / say might upset his parents. He used to struggle to stand up to them but is much better at this now. BIL hasn't grown up at all - late 30s, no partner ever, only just started on a career path. ILs have facilitated and encouraged this.

However, this has come about because of the intensity of the relationship DH and BIL have (had) with their parents. Neither rebelled as a teenager, although DH wishes he had done. There are some very sad photos of BIL on his 18th birthday with parents and grandparents, opening presents like a little boy and looking (and no doubt acting) like one. He should have been on the piss with his friends. Only he didn't have any as they all thought he was immature.

Even seeing ILs once or twice a week, DS isn't going to have this kind of relationship with them. I think you have to live with someone with few outside influences for that to happen. The fact that DH had friends at uni outside the normal social circle is one of the reasons he's less infantilised than BIL. So that's why I don't think DS will be 'damaged' in the same way. I'll make sure he isn't anyway.

I do avoid mentioning my ILs to my family - and I am extremely vague. The reason I mentioned them the other night though was because she asked me a direct question to which I would be lying if I had said anything else.

I am so glad I am not the only one though.

My parents are exactly the same - in fact my dad, a 50 odd year old man, has just said to me 'Your DH does nothing with your kids apart from take them to the park or to his parents.' Whine whine whine.

My reply in most patient reception class teacher voice: 'Dad, that's not true but I'm not getting into an arguement about it with you.' When my parents are acting childish and trying to get competitive with the IL's I just speak to them as I would children and move the subject on. ENormaSnob Would love to use your words on them though

My dad sometimes does this about my mum, who sees my dcs much more regularly. I tell him that he's welcome to see them more - he just needs to make more effort to do so.