Parents stopped speaking to me two years ago - will I ever stop thinking about it?

[daisie4]

I've lurked on threads with similar themes to my own and gained a lot of insight into the issue, but I guess where I'm at now is do I need counselling to finally get 'closure' or can I never achieve it?

A bit of background, I think my parents are narcissitic, my mum stirs my dad up and he storms, but he is also quite capable of being nasty in his own right. The last blow up was over me being late to visit them, I said I'd be there for lunchtime and we left for a 1.5hr journey at 11.30, we were late due to traffic but my dad didn't know that as he went for a walk and arrived back at 3.15 anyway. He then ignored us, after 45mins we left. Its not the first time he's done it and we usually wait until he comes into the room to talk - have waited over 2 hours before now. This time I just thought I'm not doing this any more, he even ignored my children who were 7 & 9.

The pattern is usually they both stop speaking for months, my mum sends little small talk emails I phone and try to clear air, they pretend there's nothing wrong and I'm oversensitive or should just forget whatever 'I think' they've done, fine for a few months, here we go again. There's never a chance to discuss on an adult to adult basis - they are never sorry its always my fault.

I could give loads of examples of ways they've let me down, that got me to the decision not to contact them, but I really just want to know how to move forward.

I think about it every day. I don't want to mend the relationship as I'm realistic enough to know that it will just happen again, and I don't want my dc's to see the behaviour (they were already asking why I cried so much when I spoke to granny and grandad), I just want to live again instead of being in this mindset.

I could have written your post! I have just been excommunicated for a year (again!) by my parents, this time for asking them to apologise to my dd for lying to her about why they couldnt see her on her birthday, long story etc etc and like you this just happens over and over again, they finally contacted me because my dad is ill and my mum asked me to make up with him (no acknowledgement that they caused the rift!!) They too never apologise, and turn it all round on to me.

I had made the decision to let the rift be permananent this time as I felt it was a horrible thing to do to drop their dgc aged five and twelve with no rhyme or reason, but as my dad was ill I gave in and they are now "eagerly waiting" to see us all, no way will they take any responsibility for being the reason they havent seen us for so long, and for treating my children so appallingly.

I have let contact start again as my dds want it to, I would happily never see them again and I just know the whole pattern will start up again ad infinitum. Are your dcs old enough for you to ask them what they would like to happen? Maybe you could take them as your lead in making any decision? I totally understand your pain, its horrible to be enmeshed in this negative situation.

I do wonder what I'll do if one of them becomes ill - I do feel for you ktrue, it must be difficult. I've always given my dcs the choice, but they've been quite nasty to them both at different times, my youngest just doesn't care, my oldest wants grandparents because her friends talk about theirs, but doesn't want to contact them. I wouldn't stop them, I don't want to be controlling like my parents.

They said she lied over a phone call, my dad just passed the phone over when she phoned on her birthday - they said he had a long conversation and she was lying - she was 10 and was in tears thinking he didn't care for her anymore, we heard the conversation so knew it wasn't long, but they seem to think the more they say it the truer their version is. With my son, they decided to separate their bedtimes, we've always put them to bed at the same time, they let dd stay up half an hour later then played with her outside his bedroom window (it was summer) he was 6.

It all sounds so petty, but its the number of events that compounds it - you look back and just see the pattern. And because it looks petty I am accused of being oversensitive etc.

Did you ever reach an equilibrium?

Hi, sorry only just seen your reply - the answer to your question is no, the latest rift started last April and only ended when they told me about my dad a couple of weeks ago, we are due to see them tomorrow for the first time for over a year and I am dreading it....