Marriage struggle

[jan2011]

hi everyone

my hubby and i have been having trouble for a good while now - he started a stressful job last year and is also studying part time and since then i feel neglected - i also have health problems, don't work so get lonely in the house and don't have many friends which makes everything worse.
to add to that im 23 weeks pregnant. recently we agreed to work on our marriage as we have driven so far apart and our relationship just seems to be arguments all the time and i cannot cope with the emotional stress of it, i can't handle a lot of arguments and end up having panic attacks. so i have been staying at my mums at times for a few days here and there.

we had a good couple of days there and then argued over something silly this morning... i was supposed to go to an interview for a study placement this morning and was so upset because of the arguments and have missed it. i am resentful now as i have nothing in my life and it seems our marriage is now taking my dreams and goals .... when we argue i have no energy left and can't get out to have a life as i am so down whereas he just gets on with his life. i am so down and haven't stopped crying. i have a midwife appt and am going to stay with mum after. i can't take anymore of this, its the constant up and down arguing, i just can't cope anymore and i need to be a goodmum for the baby. i am worried for when the baby comes. every time things r so bad like this i think of just leaving and moving in with mum and dad. i don't have the energy for our marriage as well as to bring up a baby. i am so tired. i don't know what to do anymore. we cannot afford marriage counselling, we have looked into places to get it for free and there is nowhere in our area.
thanks for listening x

Hi Jan. Sorry to hear that marriage is having so much problems.

The first thing to wonder is, why are these arguements starting so often? What are they starting over? Did it escalate when he had so much on his plate, or as it been since the pregnancy started, or any other factor?

Are there any ways you can spend more relaxing, less stressful time together? You must feel exhausted and week all the time at 23wks, and he is probably feeling very worn out from working full time and studying. Is it really a good idea for him to undertaking so much? How long is his course and what will be the rewards for it?

Is this your first pregnancy? The first time will be difficult. Neither of you will probably no how to react to the changes in your routines, the extra work involved in preparing or your changes in energy and mood levels.

It sounds hard, but I hoppe the two of you can find a way to resolve things before it goes too far.

Hey huni, i just wanted to let you know that your not alone. Im currently 14weeks pregnant with my second child and me and my husband our in a very similar situation to you.
We have drifted apart so much and argue nearly every day, which i hate because i dont want to raise my children in such a negative environment. Im exactly like you, I dont have lots of friends (just a couple of very close friends) and i too spend alot of time on my own in the house with my daughter.
My husband is working a stupid amount of hours (working late and all weekend) which leaves me on my own to do everything for our daughter and I feel like a single parent but without the financial strain. So all this results in us arguing over the smallest thing.
I like you, have spent nights at my parents and when im at home hes spent nights staying at friends houses, which to be honest dosnt help as it just makes it more tense when we get back together.
The only thing you can do is sit down and talk together calmly, if you cant to that then write everything down how you feel in a letter and he does the same and that way you can understand how each other feels without the screaming and the arguing.
Also try going back to the begining and go on dates together again and make time for each other but try not to talk about the baby and the relationship. Just enjoy each others company and keep the conversation light hearted. (The above is what we are doing to get the relationship back on track and it seams to be working slowly).
Good luck huni and hope you feel beter soon xxx

hi guys
thanks for your replies, curley i am so sorry you are in a similar situation, it is so hard isn't it and sometimes you feel so lonely and trapped. its sad to be driven to your families house because things aren't working out - but in a way its brought me and my family closer together too. im glad you are starting to work on your relationship and things seem to be getting better. we have been doing a marriage book together the past 2 weeks, but it has brought up sore issues and its been very difficult but at least its a start of spending time together, and the times have either been really nice or really awful, so at least there have been some better times in the midst of it. im at my dads house now, i need to look after my emotional health for my pregnancy too. writing my feelings instead of the screaming matches is an excellent idea - when i do this through email he always gets it and responds better and understands more.
Atomicbomb i think the problems came when he started his job, which put pressure on us, and then i got pregnant after that and my hormones were all over the place, and we had problems with his family etc so there was a lot going on that drove us apart. then it just got worse from there. there is nothing he can do about his workload right now, but in september he is hoping to quit work and study a fulltime course with better job prospects at the end. it is my first pregnancy and yes it is all new to us so i really hope we can make it work somehow.
Quietlysuggests thanks for ur comments about my work situation, unfortunately i am off work due to a health condition, my interview was for a volunteer placement for my study course i am not in a position to work right now and have been advised not to especially with my pregnancy. i did really want the interview, he was driving me to it and we argued so much i ended up crying and he drive back to the house to get something - i don't need to explain exactley what happened. but no i would be delighted to get back into the 'big bad world' as you call it. and i have been doing a lot to get out and about and meet people, everyones situation is different and i am doing what i can.
im hoping this wee break at my mums will help me start feeling more settled to be able to face going back home and dealing with fighting for the marriage again. it just takes so much effort. i would love us to be in a better place before the baby comes. as this is my first pregnancy i feel sad its not a more enjoyable time for us. x