weight gain/self esteem probs post baby

[reastie]

Never posted on relationships before so please be gentle

DH and I have a 3 mo DD. I put on a shedload little baby weight (over 3 stone still to shift ) and this is really affecting my self esteem and opinion of myself. I know DH doesn't like it when I carry extra padding as he has said so in the past and I feel like I never get any physical attention from him now unless I ask for it or he wants some action. I'm convinced it's as he doesn't find me attractive and when I question him on it he never denys it just goes quiet.

I feel so useless. I have always had self esteem issues and thinking I'm not worth it (I should be in the anti l'oreal ads ). I used to go to the gym most days but had a back injury before I got pg and then had a really hard pg leading to all the weight gain. I honestly feel like I don't deserve any pleasurable (ahem) action as I'm so disguisting to look at. I get ravenously hungry all the time with bfing and if I try not to eat as much I feel really dizzy and sick, so I eat probably too much. Nothing fits me clothes wise so I rotate about 3 outfits all the time, all of which don't fit or suit me that well (and include my maternity jeans). I feel like I look so terrible there's no point in trying - I never wear make up anymore, am really lax about leg shaving and have given up plucking my eye brows. DH doesn't seem to care or notice so why bother. If I do bother he never comments or notices. I also sometimes think what's the point in trying to do excercises etc as I'm beyond help anyway.

I feel so miserable with the whole situation of feeling so bad and stuck in a viscious circle unable to know how to get out.

No one would know this to meet me as I seem perfectly happy. Infact, in certain aspects of my life (like being a new mum) I am ridiculously happy, I just cry myself to sleep sometimes at how bad I feel about myself and how DH doesn't seem to care.

I don't really know what my question is or what to do, just venting it to other people I'm hoping will help, and any comments you have would be gratefully received before I cry myself to sleep again tonight.

You really need to be kinder to yourself, you had a baby 3 months ago, and your body has been through a lot.

You really should do your make up have nice baths , do hair etc when you get chance it does make you feel better.

I think it's a shame your dh doesn't say more to reassure you about your appearance. However if you take your dd for walks in pram and eat sensibly a bit of weight will come off.

I am 3 stone overweight myself , a size 14 but I still make an effort , I think it makes a difference.

Please speak to your dh in an honest way, don't cry yourself to sleep tonight.

Your husband possibly does know how much it is troubling you, but doesnt say anything because he doesnt want to upset you. I bet he does care, because you have just given him a lovely daughter, so both of you are concentrating on her right now.

Tell him that he is charge of the baby on Saturday if he is at home then, and give yourself a pamper session, soak in the bath, do your hair, eyebrows, legs, then all of you go out for an early dinner somewhere.

hi reastie- i put on 5 stone over 2 pregnancies and felt how you describe. It became impossible for me to eat sensibly somehow

you dont say if you have tried any weight loss programmes?? Despite feeling completely humiliated by this- I joined weight watchers. I only went to 3 meetings as they were just like the Little Britain sketch..you can do it on line...its really easy to stick to, its flexible and easy to eat enough to not feel hungry. They can even factor in that you are breast-feeding.

calixte I'm a size 18/20 now . Thing with DH (and this is in a way a good quality) he won't say anything he doesn't mean, even if it's to be polite/nice. So, he won't say I look good or whatever unless he means it, his response to my upset is always the same now - I never get any compliments or anything - the closest I get is that I shouldn't worry about what I look like now as I can get back to the gym in time (still back problems)

squeaky we are going out for a day trip on sat. Thing is, I don't even want to bother with doing my hair etc - I haven't had my hair cut in 4 months now and it's just a state and I never look half decent when I do anything to myself anyway - he honestly never notices or cares.

DH asleep now - he knows I'm upset :( By the time I next see him he will have forgotten I was ever upset as he always does that.

bejeezus yes I had wondered about ww/excercise prog. I have a v restrictive diet though (veggie/gluten intolerant/can't eat loads of foods due to IBS) so it's actuall hard enough just finding foods I can eat. Saw physio today and she will only let me do the stretches she gave me and walking - anything else is too much for my back. I must make myself walk it just gets the bottom of priority with a LO

i know totally what you mean about it being a low priority with having a baby BUT I decided I was going to make it TOP priority for 6 months only and make a good indent in my weight loss. I signed up for gym membership and WWs (couldnt afford more than 6 months in time/attention or money) when my youngest was 2 months old- its been 4 1/2 months and I have lost 2 stone- even though there is still lots to go, I feel great and KNOW that i can loose the rest. I went to gym 3 times a week (baby in creche) and stuck to WWs- my house permanently looks like it has been burgled but if you dont make a commitment it wont happen...

also you dont loose as much timea as you think you would---you regain some of the time you have spent in the gym because you have so much more energy. My evenings are much more productive than they were

forgot to say-i have a spinal curvature--pain and progression much improved when not carrying extra weight.

Good luck

Reastie, you are being way too hard on yourself. I was a size 12 before I got pregnant in 2009 with my first. Put on 4 stone and was size 16-18 (more the 18!) from then until I got pregnant again this January. I did feel bad about the extra weight but I guess when I got pregnant again, I just didnt do much about it.
You need to give yourself time. 3 months is nothing and it won't just suddenly disappear. Your body has been through a huge change.
Start small. Make sure you get out for a good/fast walk everyday. It will be good for you and the baby. Then start doing things slowly.
My DH is the same. I never get a compliment, (mind you don't think I did much before). Men are crap like that! Things can goa abit downhill after the birth of a baby, its an emotional and trying time for both. Maybe he genuinely isnt thinking about sex/romance, he might be too exhausted and worn out with other stuff to think about it, so try not to blame it on yourself.

Do you think it could also be a bit of PND or is it definately because of the weight issue.

reastie I'm not carrying baby weight (yet - trying ttc now) but I have lost weight and now maintain my current weight by calorie counting. I use a site called weightlossresources.com. I enter my food and exercise. The site tells me my target calls to maintain my weight, lose a pound a week or whatever I want to do. You do have to weigh food and exercise some self-control, but you can eat whatever you like within your calorie allowance. I find it helpful because I have IBS triggered by lactose so there are a lot of things I cannot eat. And it is a great incentive to exercise because you can see just how many calories exercise earns for you to add to your food allowance. There is a "baby weight" section on there.

I hope you feel better soon. 3 months post baby it's normal to be carrying a bit of extra weight. Most of the pregnant women I know have worked on the 9 months on 9 months off principal.

thanks guys. i did cry myself to sleep though . I think my issues are probably too complex to bore you with on here, but your thoughts help a little. beejezus well done you on loosing all that weight . Thing is, I've lost over 2 stone in the past through eating less and going to the gym alot so I know it can be done, I think I just need to start loosing some to give me that spurt. I have no clothes I can sweat in do fast walking in which sort of stops me before I get going. I also don't want anyone to see me when I'm hot and sweaty from only doing gentle walks so I don't do it . I guess I'm going to have to get over myself arn't I.

wottywot I do'nt think it's pnd. I was depressed during my pg (is there such a thing as pre natal depression) I think and what I have now is nothing compared to that - I feel happy in general with my life it's just the fat blob I look like that upsets me so. I actually sometimes don't want to go out of the house or meet friends as I do'nt want them to see how bad I look now compared to last time they saw me pre preg (alot of people didn't see me when I was pg as I was quite poorly the whole way through).

I think I get frustrated - I had 9 months where I could barely walk up the road I felt so terrible with being pg so my body has had a year or barely moving. I find little things hard. I just wish I was back to where I used to be with doing aerobics class and then dashing straight into the gym for a post class work out . I know logically this will take time but I'm so unfit it just feels why bother.

Oh, and beejezus I can't leave the house to get a state - DH HATES things messy and if I don't do it he does it all evening meaning he gets no time with me or DD - I've tried getting him to leave it but for some reason he can't . So I need to keep a tight ship with doing all the cleaning etc :(

reastie your DH doesn't sound very, um, nice.

He HATES things being messy? He'll stomp around tidying up (showing you up?) all evening rather than spend time with you. He won't say anything nice to you. Even though he is meant to be the person who loves and supports you.

I think you've developed anxiety. It can go hand in hand with depression.

And think from what you've said here (noting, of course, than your DH may be a wonderful, kind, generous supportive partner in so many ways that you just haven't written here) that your DH is a part of this. Or at least, your self-esteem issues have led you to a partner who is consistent with this view of yourself.

I may be completely out of line. But I think your weight issues are a symptom here - not the cause.

Reastie, please eat what you need to eat - breastfeeding takes a LOT out of you, and I know what you mean about feeling like you have to eat constantly. Some women lose naturally through breastfeeding, others find that they hang onto the weight while feeding and then drop it pretty suddenly, but please put your health and your breastfeeding relationship first.

It sounds like you're married to a man who doesn't think that your self esteem and happiness are good enough reasons to say nice things to you, and I have a hard time with that. I also don't see why he can't do the housework. It's not your job to do all the housework while caring for a newborn so that his standards aren't compromised. He can do it, it's his choice if he does that instead of spending time - unless you mean that if you don't clean during the day, he won't help with the babycare in the evening and give you a break, and that's out of order.

I'm sorry I sound so negative about him, but here you are after an incredibly hard pregnancy, with back problems and restrictive dietary needs, caring for a newborn, crying yourself to sleep, and all your reasons seem to stem back to his standards and his expectations.

Can he take the baby for a couple of hours on the weekend so you can go get your hair done and whatnot? The first trip I ever had away from my daughter was a cut-and-colour and it made the world of difference.

jumpyjack you're right - I do have anxiety. I've just been referred for CBT on NHS due to issues related to a phobia which is ruining alot of aspects of my life. My assessment there said I had servere anxiety .

My DH is fab in many many ways, he's just not very good at emotional stuff and knowing what to say. I think he honestly doesn't know what to say (no matter how much I prompt him or talk to him about these things). I do the house on purpose so that he can relax when he gets home. If he cleaned the kitchen or whatever he wouldn't moan - he used to always do it before LO it's just I've taken over most cleaning duties now so he can spend his time when he's at home with our DD. I just feel a bit like a cleaner and nanny sometimes and he only pays me attention when he wants some action, and that makes me feel worse about myself as I know (or he behaves as if) he's only interested in me to get his, ahem, needs fulfilled as opposed to wanting me IYKWIM.

You know you can do it. You've done it before. Your baby is still very little so although the weight is really getting you down please remember that it is still early days!

My baby is over a year old and I am still size 18/20 but I do have depression and anxiety issues which mean going out to excersize is really frightening! I hate being this size and my DH, though understanding does not like it either.

Do you have any friends that are in a similar position? Maybe you could all get together for walks and motivation? I think I would find it easier if I had some "larger" friends to lose the weight with.

tortoiseinahalfshell (love the nn ) I do'nt mean to make DH out as a baddie . I don't see him as that in RL at all. I keep meaning to book a hair cut but not getting around to it (my fault). I'd also quite like to get my eyebrows waxed (can never do the plucking without looking an idiot) but not sure if I can warrant the money given we have so little with me on mat pay. I tried buying a nice dress to cheer me up but nothing fitted me right or worked with bfing. I ended up with something quite average and fatty style . I need to talk to DH about it all maybe but I find it so hard to express myself and get across my points and then DH never knows what to do about it, or, if he does, it only lasts a few days. To him - everything is so black and white and easy - you put on weight then you eat less and do more excercise. You do'nt let yourself get fat. He makes comments about very overweight people on tv about how can they let themselves get like that and i get really upset and try and explain to him it doesn't happen overnight and that there can be psychological issues related to food but he can't understand or see this.

handsoffmycake all my friends are slim and lost their baby weight really quickly and easily (but then they all ff not bf, so I like to think that makes things harder for me with hunger issues and at least I suceded in that respect where they failed - they had issues with bfing and had to give up despite trying).

Your last posts explain more, sorry to have come across as critical.

Love, three months out and with a previous anxiety diagnosis, I'm not surprised you feel down. I have mild anxiety myself, and I was so hard on myself in those first months, it's such an adjustment to one's identity, etc. I kept the house spotless as well, and resented it (not saying you do) because really I think I just wanted someone to say how incredble it was that I was managing so well - I just wanted some praise, really, because all my old life was suddenly gone and I needed validation that I was alright at the new one.

I was lucky that weight wasn't an issue for me (and really, it was just luck), but I do remember the rest of it. My husband pushed me to go and get the haircut done, and it really helped, trivial as that sounds.

If he's a practical, black and white person, can you sit down with DH and say, I'm struggling with my self esteem and my identity. Here are some things that will help. I want to make an appointment at the salon for a haircut and eyebrow wax, this is important to me, let's agree a time when you can have DD. I want to feel that you still find me attractive, I'm not asking you to tell me that my figure is perfect but please make an effort to comment when I make an effort - tell me you like my hair, or my eyes are pretty, I don't care, but pick something. I want to have an agreed-on time on a Sunday when you will look after DD without any prompting so I can go out for a walk on my own. Etc. Just enlist his help to facilitate your self-care, and the weight loss thing won't loom so large.

I am bf as well. Also all my friends lost their baby weight straight away. Maddening isnt it!

I eat all the time for comfort and out of boredom. I just cannot seem to stick to healthy eating. I have had CBT before and did find it very useful. I could probably do with it again just to get my brain moving.

My DH does the same with overweight people on the tv. He can eat like a horse and is so so slim. He doesnt see why people get fat. Before I had DC he said "I hope you dont get really fat after having the DC" - I was a size 14 when I met him and felt HUGE. I look back now and think dang I was a lovely size!

Do get your hair done and eyebrows. I am sure you will feel better. Its little steps that may lead to a huge shift in your mindset.

I have not had my hair cut in over a year as cannot afford it. I look like cousin it.

handsoff your Dh sounds like mine. I've had CBT before too and it didn't really help, but, I'll give anything a go at this point. I laugh when I look at my wedding pictures and remember how I cried when I first saw them as I thought I looked terrible and fat in all of them (and now I have for how I looked ) . tortoise I am exactly the same in needing validation/reassurance/postive comments to feel satisfied. Maybe that's why I bother with the house so much as I know it's something DH will (hopefully) appreciate and notice, but, as time goes by I think now he just sort of expects it to look as it does IYKWIM.

Well, I've not got much planned this afternoon as a friend has bailed so I'm thinking of trying a gentle aerobics DVD. it's against physio instructions but if I take it really easy I'm sure it'll be OK - at least I'll feel like I'm getting closer to the gym - I used to love my gym classes sooooooo much - I'd rather tbh be physically able to do those again than get my haircut as a pamper - I used to feel so good after a class

tortoise like the idea of having pamper every week end but alas can't see it working as we moved a few months ago and DH spends spare time at week ends doing painting/DIY (See - he is a good guy ). I really want all that done so don't want to leave DD with him so he can't crack on, plus, if I do that he will try and get MIL to look after DD so he can DIY while I'm out - and that's a whole different issue

forgot to say handsoff cousin it hair - I'm imagining it all long and lush and lusterous