Depressed husband and I can't cope with this.

[TootTootLick]

Posted this is mental health but I guess it's also a relationship thing so I've put it here too in the hope someone can help. I feel like this is the worst stage our marriage has ever been in and not sure we'll get through it.

My husband has long term depression. It took a while to realise that's what it was as he would be very, very down about things, like his job. But then he would get a new job and he would be very down about something else. It was only after several of these that we realised he was actually depressed and although these situations (job etc) weren't great he was projecting onto them (if you get me).

For a while he was on Seroxat which seemed to help a bit but he had terrible side affects so came off it about a year ago. He did a short bit of counselling but isn't a very open person which didn't make it easy. I also think part of the way he is like that is because of his childhood and his family but he doesn't see that at all and the more I try to make him see the more his barriers go up.

I find now though that he is just so hard to be around. He has been physically ill as well which has made him very unhappy and he is suffering physically which is making him feel terrible and more depressed. He is naturally a negative person (gets it from his dad) which really doesn't help.

Lately I have been trying to get on with DIY which he was doing but can't as is in plaster at the moment. I find though that he is being very negative about it probably because he feels crap that he can't do it, and he actually ends up being more of a hindrence then anything. It would be lovely if he could say well done to me and encourage me but instead just says negative things, like how I won't be able to do it and how hard it will be. Recently I did find some of it to hard and wanted to ask for help from a friend but he didn't want me to as that made him feel bad. Eventually I realised that it wasn't him it was affecting but me as I was the one who was actually doing the DIY!

I don't know what to do. I want him to go back to the dr to go back on meds or seek some other help but he is reluctant. I am just finding him impossible to live with. I don't mean to be unsympathetic and I do understand having had issues myself. I suppose it's because I don't feel he's getting the help that is out there and that yet again he is blaming his depression on "something" as he says it's because of his physical problems and the pain he is in and that he will be better when he gets physically better. I don't believe him though and think it is the same as all the other times. I need him to have more awareness of this.

What makes it worse is the constant negativity about everything and his trying to hold me back from acheiving anything so as not to make himself feel worse. He also won't tell his family about it or allow me too so I an dealing with this alone and always have done, they haven't got a clue.

Help?

You need some support. You are perfectly within your rights to speak to his family about him - they know him well, they care about him, maybe they can help. Do you have your own family/friends to talk to?

do you have DC?

some of his behaviour borders on controlling and you have to sit and set boundaries for what you accept or not.

talking to his family - sorri but you will and you have to. they need to know. if they chose not support him at least you both knwo where you stand.

what is the worst that can happen if you tell them?

maybe tell them -and leave for the weekend - tell them you going away for some R&R and is up to them to support him. either they will or they wont.

he will survive or he wont (i suspect he will)

it is his depression, not yours, he has to own it. (quoting here from what family therapists told my (now) exP.

go talk to someone - maybe counsellor thru GP or thru MH orgs like rethink, MIND etc.
you at risk of depression fallout - i found the book really useful
How You Can Survive When They're Depressed : Living and Coping with Depression Fallout [Paperback]
www.amazon.co.uk/How-Survive-When-Theyre-Depressed/dp/0609804154/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_b

"wanted to ask for help from a friend but he didn't want me to as that made him feel bad" - what about you here? what about getting the job done? just because he is depressed does not excuse bad/controlling behaviour. life goes on whether or not he deprressed. you cannot stop the world from turning....

you are allowed to set your boundaries ehre, you are allowed to ahve a break form him and be around ahppy people, you are allowed to look clsoely at what behaviour is understandable because of depression and what is not... set your boundaries.

belgo He feels that it's very private and they wouldn't understand anyway as they are of the "oh just get on with it" variety.

cestlavielife Yes we have 2 dcs. I don't really know if it is controlling or not. When it comes to things like DIY or little jobs that need doing he has always found it hard to be motivated when he is feeling depressed. Then once he feels like that he wants me to stop too, he'll often put it nicely like "lets relax instead" but I think it's because it makes him feel worse. It took me a long time to realise what that was so I used to stop when he did. Now I realise that nothing will get down especially as he is physically ill as well, so I have tog et on with it. I don't really know what the worst is that could happen if I told his family, I have always just tried to respect his wishes when it comes to his family as there are often things he doesn't want them to know, usually anything that will make his mum worry.

'belgo He feels that it's very private and they wouldn't understand anyway'

Forgot about about he thinks, what do you think? you need support to help you cope. And he needs help from other people, not just you. It's unfair for him to expect you to do exactly as he wants, and to cope with him all on your own.

You need support. You are not going to make him better all on your own.

belgo Yeah that's how I feel, that I can't cope with this on my own anymore. I feel I need to make him see what is happening, for him to see that he is blaming his depression on his physical problems, just as how he often blames his depression on our lack of sex life leaving me responsible for making him happy by having more sex with him. That makes him sound very bad but really I feel it is just part of his illness. He honestly thinks that it's our sex life that is making him so unhappy, at least he did last week, this week it's the pain he is in although we could be back to sex life by tonight. Our sex life isn't even that bad considering we have 2dcs! But he just can't see the link at the moment and hasn't done all of this year. I can't go on for much longer like this and can't see our relationship surviving it. I think he needs medication and extensive counselling but there needs to be the ability to reflect within him if he is going to understand the patterns.

it might also be useful for you to have counselling, on your own, to help organise your own feelings and help you cope with the situation.

And please talk to his family, they might be able to provide insight into his behaviour, and practical help.

You say he gets his negativity from his dad - you might find that by speaking to his mum, she understands exactly what you are going through, maybe she has been through it herself.

Unfortunately it's the mum who has the "just get on with it" attitude and has no sympathy for people with mental health issues!

Hmm... I agree you need to tell his family, problem is though you might not get help particularly if his depression is 'inherited'. For what it is worth, in my situation my ILs reaction was first to try and wish it away and then to try and get my depressed partner to leave me as I obviously was the cause of it all and he was fine before me met me (well over a decade ago). Sooo helpful, not.

you cannot make him happy.

only he can make himself happy.

no point doing stuff to make him happy. long term - it doesnt work.

either he decides to grasp the bull by horns, get out do exercise (when not physically unable to - but could he eg do swimming?) see gp - or he doesnt.

my exP lways ahd a rason to be unhappy. eg being with me and dc. fwe diodnt do enough to make him happy....funny tho once we left he was depressed because we werent there any more . once you relaise you cant win - well you decide to get on with life with him or without. but dont put the burden on yourself to make him happy. think of what makes you happy. do what makes you happy. spend time away from him, take the dc off to see happy people.

depression can be treated - if the person gets to see that and takes right steps.

you could accept this is how he is but also accept that therefore you need respite from his depression too. if not his family then a friend? someone he could go stay with? or you take dc and go get a weekend away.

I think that not seeing that the depression is caused by his upbringing is part of his depression, if you know what I mean. He may have low self estem, and so feel very low about himself and his life, so he becomes depressed, but thinks he has depression because he is so very very shit at everything, when really the feelings of 'I am totally worthless and my life is a complete fuck up' are part of his illness, and he is not, in fact, very very shit at everything.

Bloody hell I confused my self there

I have depression too and it drives me bonkers when I hear about people with depression refusing to be treated / get help / try to change / help themselves. Although to be honest it's difficult to do that when depression is at it's worst.

I am having psychiastrist input, counsellor, seeing my GP and taking both anti anxiety drugs and anti-depressants.

I didn't want to do this for me at first, because I didn't give a shit if I lived or died at my lowest, but I knew that my illness was heavily on my dd and dh. It wasn't fair on them to have to live with my depression. I do it for my husband and daughter.

Best of luck. Can you talk him round do you think? Will he lsiten to you?

He needs medication that will work, depression is an awful illness, no matter how hard you try you cannot see the positive in anything.

There are a variety of meds and there is one out there for your husband, they do work.

Ive been taking the present ones for 18 months, and I can honestly say the depression has gone, I no longer look at everything in the negative, little things that would bother me no longer do.

They take about six weeks to work and I have no side effects but they have changed my life for the better.

They could change your partners too.

He doesn't have any control over the depression, he cannot help the way he is, unless you have suffered yourself you could never truly understand.

Well we spent hours talking about it last night which wasn't easy as he says that talking is pointless and makes things worse! He says he is still trying to deal with some of the things I said the last time we talked about it which was some weeks back. I think his way of dealing with it though is to think about it loads, look at the negative side of everything that was said and spiral down and down until finally burying the negative feelings in a very shallow grave leaving himself with a general feeling of unhappiness. Talked about it this morning as well and the only real headway we made is that he agreed he is a very negative person and that CBT might be a good idea for that. He is also going to see the doctor about medication. He is extremely reluctant to do any counselling at the moment though.

He said last night that he feels I don't love/desire/respect/fancy him etc. These things just aren't true. We keep going round and round in circles about the sex thing. He has never felt we do it enough, not even pre children and on holiday when we did it every day or twice a day it was never quite enough. I try explaining this to him but it's extremely hard to get him to understand that it doesn't matter how much we do it he'll never be happy as I think he uses it as a pick-me-up but he's never picked-up enough. On the one hand he says that the lack of sex isn't the problem, (although that's a new thing as he has always said that it is exactly the problem) but that he thinks I don't feel enough for him, but then he will say it's because I always get to initiate the sex (there is a back story to that) whereas he doesn't which I can see would be frustrating but not cause for a deep depression IMO. So he says the lack of sex isn't the thing but that is what the conversations are always coming back to.

This morning he came up with a few causes for his depression, the fact he works long hours and the fact that he has been unwell. This seemed to make him a bit chirpier, to have something to blame it on.

cestlavielife I said that to him last night. That it is his depression and he needs to deal with it (as I did my illness a few years ago) but obviously I will support him. And that nothing I do will change how he feels and he has to do that and he has to take responisibility and admit there is a problem (bit like an alcoholic IYSWIM). Was trying to explain that there is no point me trying to make him happy as you say. Like having more sex, it lifts his mood momentarily but that is all. He mentioned going to stay somewhere else for a while so we could both think. That shocked me a bit as I never thought he would want to leave. He won't stay with his parents though or any of his friends or anyone I suggested so that's not going to happen!

ManicPanic I agree that he has low self esteem. I actually agree with that whole confusing paragraph.

FabbyChic I have had depression and anxiety myself so know how all consuming it can be. I've had a lot of counselling but he seems to think that I am just putting what I learnt from that onto him, that I am using psychobabble on him.

He sounds like a wet weekend. Can you do this for another 10 years. Sounds awful.

Does he perhaps define himself through his misery? Does he think he is the only 'realistic' one in the partnership, and that he's not being negative he's being realistic, and you are being PollyAnnaish and ridiculously over optimistic about life?

In that case, he physically won't be able to get over his depression because it's so intrinsically linked to 'who he is'. It is impossible to live long term with someone like this - he will bring you down to his level, because that will make him right - everything was shit all along, and you being unhappy just proves it. It's a kind of feedback loop.

I've got a negative-view person in my life. It's making me act so ridiculously up beat to try to offset him that I make myself sick...