my narcissistic mother gradually groomed my two daughters and spoiled them to the point where i couldnt keep up. She had retired and was broody for more children. As a matriarch, no one questioned her behaviour or actions.
I was a struggling single parent, living from hand to mouth, with a large wealthy family who visited infrequently, drank my tea and then left. Not even a loaf of bread, not even a bag of sweets. They even had the cheek to ask ME for favours and like a fool i spent a lot of time trying to make everyone elses life easier.
I attended university in another town and shortly after, a friend phoned to say my fiance had been unfaithful. The upshot is when i complained he told me off for making the other woman upset, and all this in the space of 30minutes.
An older sister visited and knowingly brought a paedophile into our lives, whilst vehemently denying, she knew his previous and his prison sentences.
The worst happened and she made me keep quiet to my mother or else he would plead innocent (meaning my daughter would be dragged thru court)
I was understandably angry and upset and i did go off the rails temporarily but that was just the time for her to move in on me.
She visited under the pretence of taking them for a 2wk holiday. I wondered why they were taking so many of their toys???
That evening she phoned to say they were never coming back, i could hear them in the background saying they would run away if i tried to collect them.
I went into denial and struggled through university, taking an extra year to qualify. I hoped to move back to my home town (over 100 miles away) but was restricted by my new love who had stood by me for two years. He was unable to move with me as he had two disabled parents who were very needy.
After the graduation, i told him i was going. The next morning i awoke to a crushed broken man. He had had a breakdown cos he didnt want to lose me.
I spent the next couple of years nursing him.
It took 12years to get back to my home town, by then my children were adults.
From the time they were illegally snatched from me, i tried to communicate with my children but was blocked at every attempt by my mother.
Its now been 16 years of living in a world i dont feel part of. Every night i sit and look out the window while the world sleeps, i cry.
I only wanted the best for my girls but ended up in a living nightmare i cant wake from.
Narrow minded people wonder why i didnt go and fetch my children but at the time i was hit with bills caused by inept university officials, telephone company, smashed window (one of my daughters did accidentally), loss of a weeks food money ( my daughters offered to get the groceries and spent the lot on sweets for a friend who had scary parents)
I couldnt afford a cup of tea let alone transportation. I couldnt feed them.
I have sought help from police, solicitors, health service (who in all these years never once contacted the social services or police)
I have been told by one doctor that i was using my grief to avoid life responsibilities, and more recently that i was a drama queen who wanted to be the centre of attention (histrionic personality disorder)
To this day i suffer every minute of every day. The only help ive had is pills and nodding dogs (counsellors)
I just wish i had the courage to end my life as this is the only way my nightmare will end. Ive cut my family out as they keep telling me of the nice times theyve had with my children eg ' your daughter visited today, we had a lovely chat '
I dont want sympathy, i need constructive advice. Its called ambiguous loss and disenfranchised grief but the british doctors call it 'depression' as they havent a clue. My partner ended up moving with me and has loved me for 16years now.
I did go for free ivf but the clinic failed to notify me until id just tipped the age limit of 50. My partner is last in line in his family.