Immature BF?

[kallima]

I've been seeing my BF for a number of months now. He's a lovely lovely guy, but I'm just starting to wonder if he's a bit immature and if I'm wasting my time really.

He's 32, never been married, had one long relationship of 7 years. I realise I can't be totally sure of the dynamics of his previous relationship but I get the impression she ended it because he never made his mind up to commit and finally walked. He was devestated, yet I am not convinced he gave himself anytime to learn from this experience.

He's still in the flat he shared with her (rented) and now has a flatmate. He complains about her ALL the time, yet she doesnt do anything worth complaining about that I can see, other than share his living space. Which, tbh, he's never in anyway because he's always at mine. I live on my own. He has a cleaner because he "doesnt have time" to clean or do his own washing. Before the cleaner he took it home for his mother. Because he stays at mine a lot of the time (which suits me) I end up doing some of his washing, which is no bother at all, but I do wonder if I'm enabling him a bit. The cleaner isnt supposed to clean his bedroom other than change the bedding because he has lots of newspapers etc which he needs for work and he doesnt want her to chuck them out, but he never tidies them anyway. His room is a dump. Worse than mine in my teens (and that was bad). I just dont get this? (and I cant imagine that i could ever live with that if we moved in together)

He just doesnt seem to want to take responsibility for his life. He's on the fat side, which doesnt bother me, but his attitude to food bothers me. He cant be bothered to cook so just gets a takeaway or eats out, and then wonders why he's putting weight on.

His mother seems rather overbearing (to me). She tells him what he should and shouldnt be doing and I am like ! She makes a lot of demands on him, okay fine, but his way to deal with this is to either avoid her or to say he'll do whatever she wants and then he just doesnt. I get that maybe it's not worth confronting his mum, he wants to be there for her as she's had and is still having a tough time, but I just look at his behaviour and wonder about his avoiding telling her the truth about stuff, and how long before he starts applying the same to me to avoid confrontation.

Anyway, I'm frustrated and just wondering if I'm casting my lot with a man who has just not grown up yet. Plus in the face of his complacence, I find myself getting rather bossy, which I hate and gets us nowhere. I end up feeling controlling and back off from what I want. It's almost like he controls me through his complacence!

I'm 31 and would like to get married and have babies eventually. I'm not in any mad rush but dont particularly want to waste time. Then I look at him, and he such a lovely bloke, and I wonder if I'm just seeing all the negatives and not really giving him a chance. sigh. I cant make him take responsibility can I.

Any wisdom or tips from anyone out there?

You're not really selling him tbh.

I think the answers are all there in the OP. It does sound like he hasn't grown up. You will just end up doing everything for this man and then being blamed for being controlling. Does he have a job? Is he a bit more competent in his work existence?

I'm sure he is lovely. Ten years ago I knew lots of lovely blokes just like that - I wouldn't have married/had children with any of them, though. Sorry.

I know I've only listed the negatives..

Jobwise, he has a pretty demanding job. Without going into too much detail his job requires him to be creative and produce something different every day. Its not your averable 9-5 day job and can be very timeconsuming and stressful. He deals with this pretty well imo. I would however say a lot of how well he does is because he does have a great personality. He's exceedingly attentive and approachable (genuinely) and does work hard.

Have I made him sound any better yet?!!

Maybe the food thing is connected to his hours of work? Why not trying making it a rule he has to cook something nice (and healthy) for both of you at least once a week when he's staying at yours. Might start a good habit.

i could try that. i dont always have a lot of confidence that he will do things properly though, for example, soemtimes i feel i have to check the washing up to see if he's done it properly... is that me or is that him? i wonder if i am just not allowing him to do things his way because he's in my flat. argh!

surely at some point, a person grows up to the point where they WANT to do things for themself?

At first, he sounded like me at 18. Except for the flat, I still lived at home then. And I wouldn't have expected anyone to want to settle down with 18yo me.

However, a lot of the problems could be the result of his work. It sonds like it. Erratic hours and a stressful job generally do lead to untideness and appalling diets. Perhaps you can train him? Let him know that you will not be his maid, but a partner.

At 32, I'd expect him to be more grown up. Overall, he sounds like he moved out earlier this year. Can you be patient and give him time to grow up, or not? Do you think he will, or not?

He may not do things properly (arguably none of them ever does!!) but does he do them well enough? ie it isn't vital whether he uses the best olive oil to cook, but it does matter that the chicken is cooked through.

To be honest, althoug you say he is lovely it doesn't sound as if you actually like him very much... but just as important is that you don't like the way you feel around him because you feel bossy and controlling. If you have only been together for a few months but he is always at yours then perhaps you have rushed things a bit? If you really do like him, it could be a good idea to cool things down and then see how you feel.

Won't be the first manchild produced by an overbearing mother. I have a few friends who behave the same way at a similar age and their mothers do seem to have a few things in common..... Having said that, we all pick up a few issues from our parents and that doesn't mean we shouldn't take some responsibility.

Haviong said that, I think that you need to take some responsibility as well and talk to him about how you are feeling, give him the opportunity to respond. You're likely to learn a great deal more about him and your relationship from what he says/does once he knows your reservations about your relationship.

RatherBe, I just find it hard to respect this kind of behaviour and i dont really 'get' it, because it seems to me like he doesnt respect himself. Yet there are other things I absolutely respect about him (honest!). I definitely think we have rushed things, I feel like we are in a serious relationship without much time and grounding, and then because it feels so serious, i then find myself looking much more seriously at things like his living standards etc.

meravigliosa, when he does cook, it's fine. i do poke my nose in a bit if i'm honest.

TheAtomticBum (great name, nice visuals!!) i suppose i could train him, but i feel a bit depressed at the thought of it. a bit like i might as well get a dog. i am trying to be patient... I do see that his job doesnt help, and that after a long day he probably just wants to flop and do nothing.

i think he has got away with this kind of behaviour because first i dont believe his mother has ever properly 'let go' and secondly because he's pretty cute and very affectionate which it starting to think he uses to his advantage...there is always that temptation to just pat him on the head, give him a kiss and just Do It Myself.

Kallima, in that case I think you need to cool things down and focus on the positive things. Enjoy what is still a new relationship and don't put either of you under pressure to make it something different. With no pressure and a bit more time it will be easier to see if you have a long term future.