feud with parents

[inanna12]

i am in the middle of a huge row with my parents. in brief - i was not a terrible teenager (no drink/drug/police etc incidents), but i wasn't particularly lovely to my parents either. my relationship with my dad became very difficult; i feel that i had very little of an actual relationship with him at all (no emotional input or interest in my (selfish, frivolous teenage) world). we are now at a point where i recognise that i need to let the abandonment i felt - and still feel, if i'm honest - and the subsequent resentment go if we are to have any kind of relationship. when i bring it up with my parents, their attitude is "we did our best" and "you'll understand how parents fuck up their kids when you're older". they refuse to admit any responsibility, and think that the only "problem" they have is with the fact that i have a problem with them.
aibu to want them to communicate properly with me about this, and to find the inference that it is all my fault that our relationship is poor, and therefore my responsibility to fix offensive?
constructive replies please. i am fresh from a 4 hour character assassination session with them yesterday and am raw. (also waiting to hear from my dh, who is about to speak to my dad, who is "worried about my mental health" (resorting to calling me mad), so very nervy).

Teenagers are not particularly lovely to their parents. Goes with the territory. I wasn't lovely to mine, and was paid out when mine weren't lovely to me either! As you say, it is a selfish, frivolous time of life. You flounce, you shout, you WANT and you have no patience with the oldsters. It's a well-known fact!

But precisely who were the adults in this situation? Who was supposed to love whom unconditionally? Who provides the safe house for the wayward youngster to come back to; the reasonable, gradually expanding boundaries; the sympathetic ear if he/she ever wants to unload; the fond hug when the independent teenager reverts to child mode; the advice when she/he is prepared to listen to it? The parent. You go through that with a little patience and understanding, and you end up with a lovely young adult who finds renewed respect and affection for the old folks. Of course parents don't get everything right either, and it does no-one any favours to pretend we did. If my now-adult offspring want to know why I treated them a certain way I'm more than prepared to discuss it, explain why I did so, and apologise if they feel it was not right. I don't expect them to apologise for what they did when they were children, because guess what: they were children. I want them to grow up being aware of how their own children may sometimes behave and advised on how to handle it (either follow the good bits of my example or avoid the bad ones!).

Your parents sound as though they have, shall we say, Issues.

Er, let me clarify the first paragraph there. I wasn't particularly lovely to my parents in my teens (much though I loved them) and was paid out when I had teenagers of my own. But I expect you understood what I meant.

thank you annie.
i think my parents didn't know what to make of me. i wasn't terrible but i sure wasn't fun to be around.
my issue is really that they won't talk about it. yesterday i was made to understand that i did some hurtful things when i was younger. i tried to understand my mum's hurt, explained that i didn't know better at the time (she was gutted that i didn't move home after uni; both she and my dad called me "cruel" for saying she should throw my old clothes, left at home after i left, away - cruel because she bought them for me). then i apologised. i meant it too. it's horrible to see that you have hurt your mum.
but they wouldn't do the same for me.
i recognise that counselling will be useful. i suggested they come too, but were outraged at the suggestion that it is anyone's responsibility but mine.

But if you want to let it go, why do you need to talk about it?

COCK, because i want to ACTUALLY let it go. not just pay lipservice and push it under the carpet. and because i'm attacked for causing our "shallow" relationship and "not letting them in". because it is dissatisfactory to all of us.

Sorry but I must be misunderstanding this post I think. You sound like you were a pretty typical teenager and probably a pita to your parents. You have apologised for this-yes?. So why are you all still going on about it?. Sounds like a family who like a bit of conflict to me. Get over yourselves.

What is your adult relationship like? Do they like you? Do you like them? Do you go to them with problems and get support? Do they come to you? Is there a nice adult two-way-street of mutual respect, love, appreciation, and support going on?

pink4ever, not a helpful post. Get over yourselves? The Op is very upset, and i think there are some serious issues at work here. If you've never gone through this, of course you won't understand the post.
OP, i think your parents should listen and take some responsibility, but some people just do not have the self-awareness. I also find it insulting to you about your mental health status, you want some acknowledgement from your parents, and it's not happening.
Let things settle a bit first, i'm sorry you're upset, but i have been there.Let hubby speak to yr dad, take things from there. Please let us know how you get on, as there are genuine people out there who do understand.

This whole thing sounds massively unhealthy. Why on earth does your husband need to talk to your Dad about you? Why are your parents trying to make you feel horrible and guilty? They sound awful.

Are you an only child by any chance?

I am a graduate of a hugely disfunctional family and I see things in your story that are pretty worrying - I'm not surprised you are questioning your parents version of events and behaviour.

anniegetyourgun
you write well, and were spot on when you said you would be prepared to discuss events/feelings of the past, any normal parent would, unfort.my parents turned everything onto me, and i think the op is in the same situation.I am also not suprised the op is questioning events and behaviours from the past.
and it still goes on. How are you, OP?x

That's feckin' weird, getting all insulted because you didn't need the clothes you left behind when you went to Uni. You may not have been an angel - although why should you be, human beings aren't perfect at any age - but that's almost like a manufactured problem. It is, in fact, to my mind, a total non-problem. Almost as if they're looking for things to complain about (as if any normal, red-blooded teenager doesn't give their parents enough genuine reasons to grumble!).

Thank you oprahfan, and so sorry to hear you went through that.

thanks oprah. i'm all right. giving kids lunch and talking to bro in law about foucault and madness.
i'm not an only child, no. i have 2 brothers, one who was a heroin addict as a teenager.
i'm posting about this in aibu too as didn't know how to move thread. in it i've explained that none of that was dealt with. my bro is ok and gets on well with my parents - in that they can hang out; certainly not on any deep level. i feel that some stuff from that period might be coming out.
playdoh, no, i don't really like them. we see each other a couple of times a year. i find them petty, opinionated, and sometimes downright bigoted. i often feel that they require me to sit and listen to their opionions; the fact that i don't want to is read by my m&d as being cold.

Okay... I just thought you were maybe an 'only' if they were so upset that you moved out. I'm an 'only' BTW. Sounds like there was a lot going on in your family and that surely you were not, even in your parents version, the only 'problem'? Do you feel they are making you a scapegoat of some description?

I don't think I can be a lot of help to you to build a better relationship because I just cut out the family members that were hurting my feelings and being more harm than good. I think I've become quite hard in that respect and I can't recommend it although its been the best thing for me personally. I would not allow my husband to speak to anyone in my family (even the 'good' ones) on my behalf or about me because that would make me feel out of control IYSWIM. One of the ways I feel okay about things in the past is by being in control of all my stuff - be it 'good' or 'bad'.

It sounds like you are in the process of trying to understand what happened and why. I found peace by accepting the reality that some people who were supposed to care for me didn't do it because they were inadequate for one reason and another. If I don't blame them then I don't need to feel guilty about cutting them off because I'm making things safe for now, not getting revenge on the past.

hi rude. thanks for your story. i do think i'm being scapegoated, yes. it feels to me as though i'm trying to change old, old family patterns, and there is enormous resistance to that, even though those patterns have caused us all pain. it's as though i'm being punished for daring to step outside of my prescribed role. tbh i feel like i don't have much choice; i can't do that any more. i'll make myself ill. it's unsatisfactory to them too; the inauthenticity and the lack of real connection.
i don't want to lose my mum. i can talk to her when my dad's not around (not often as he won't let me "separate" them - he thinks i'm doing a divide and conquer thing), we can connect, and find common ground. my dad, i feel like never seeing again tbh.

I'd be careful with the thinking that one parent is Ok and the other isn't...in my case I always thought of my father as the 'bad one', as I detached and over time I came to realise it was my mother who loaded the gun and left my father to fire the bullets. My mother makes an excellent victim and my father will do whatever it takes to stop her whining/crying and generally driving him nuts....he will be her aggressor towards whoever has upset her. That said he is still a willing participant in the drama....he too could walk away just as I have if he wanted...but he doesn't.

I am in the same boat as RudeEnglishLady. I am no contact with any of my blood family not as a punishment to them but as a gift of freedom to myself.

I think counselling just for yourself would be a very good way of realising the 'truth' of your family interactions. Very rarely is a family dysfunctional due to one person alone, each member usually has their 'part to play' to enable the family to function within their dysfunction.

I have been the scapegoat, the goldenchild, the rescuer, the victim and on occasions the aggressor and bully when my family have pushed the appropriate buttons. Dysfunction is a 'game' played by all those involved, some do it on purpose others react to button pushing. To me it seems your family know exactly which buttons to push to enforce you playing the 'correct' role within the game.

Oh and they will never acknowledge your 'points' concerning your treatment unless they want to.....if they don't want to listen all the arguing/screaming/crying etc will be like talking to yourself.

just spoke to dh who spoke to both my p's this afternoon. have children with me so didn't get full transcript. however, dh said he had mentioned to my father that he (dad) had shouted at me about not getting to walk me up the aisle (posted that earlier i think). my dad says he never said that.

just spoke to dh who spoke to both my p's this afternoon. have children with me so didn't get full transcript. however, dh said he had mentioned to my father that he (dad) had shouted at me about not getting to walk me up the aisle (posted that earlier i think). my dad says he never said that.

sorry - posted twice - stupid iphone.

hello inanna

there's some very good advice on here, it's very, very early days for you, and you've got a lot to get your head round, and i'm sorry for that. mizzyfizzy and rudeenglishlady have spoken well and from experience, and i wholeheartedly agree you have been scapegoated.
i like mizzyfizzy's quote that she doesn't see her blood family, not as a punishment(as my mum and dad would use)but as freedom. Time and space away is very valuable, and sound advice.

One day, you will feel good again, and boy, you will feel peace, counselling is a valuable option also, and read if you can. Toxic parents by Susan Forward is excellent, but don't be suprised if you feel upset. many of us have come through the other side, I felt that some posters on the AIBU completely missed the point or did not understand the issues here.Too much is supposed to be forgotten, swept under the carpet. These are your feelings, and any respectful person should and would listen to what you have to say,and most certainly, good parents!It's a sad fact of life that there are many sh** parents out there. Just because someone gave birth to you, doesn't make 'em a good parent. A good parent would enter into dialogue with you, and wonder why you felt the way you do, try and smooth things out. My parents blame me for absolutely everything, including their marriage problems, etc, too much to mention, this isn't my thread though. I've learnt,I've grieved, I'm right through the other side, honey, and life feels good, for what i would say is the first time. I live feeling peace, living with truth and honesty, and have people in my life that do love me. But my parents are not there. That was my choice. Take things slowly, you have a lot to explore, and it can be painful.
Family dysfunction, scapegoating, emotional unavailability, whatever you want to call it, is serious, and has lasting effects. you describe perfectly about wanting to escape from your prescribed role. Textbook scapegoating and typical dysfunctional behaviour, will yr parents ever admit their roles? I'm sorry, it's very doubtful, but now you know. Don't apologise to them again for being you. You're all you've got.
Get a few good people around you,and in time, you'll heal.xxxx

oprah, thank you. i really appreciate you taking the time to write about your experiences, to reassure me, and to read the other posts in aibu too.
not sure where i am at with it all. dh spoke to both my parents (separately). my dad expressed remorse for how i feel about how things were when i was a teenager, which is movement. it's positive, obviously, but i'm not sure, at all, where to go from here. i guess one of the important things though is to feel i have a choice.
this will probably be my last post, although i will check for updates. thank you to everyone for your advice and empathy. i do have many wise, loving, truthful people around me, so feel well supported in rl.