for those who work full time with a larger family

[PadmeHum]

DH and I have been together for 22 years. Married for 15. We have three kids (11, 7, 4). Life is a drag. We both work full time in demanding jobs. We juggle childcare to accommodate our middle child who has a chronic condition ? he gets tired very easily, so we don?t want to send him to afterschool care. We have no family nearby and no real support with the children. We get up before 5 every day. I often don?t get to bed until after 11 (with home and work commitments). I feel like I live my life in warp speed, too afraid to take a deep breath and relax because every time I do, it all falls apart.

Most upsetting is that DH and I are falling further and further apart. I resent him because I feel that at least he gets to mentally switch off and I don?t. I feel as if I am consumed by my homework/chores/work and if not actually doing something, I have to be thinking 10 steps ahead to keep up with everything. DH is great with the kids, he washes dishes, cooks, irons, cleans but he doesn?t remember events, do the bills, plan parties, organise costumes for kids plays (basically all those ad-hoc things which take up a lot of time and effort).

How do you those of you with a larger family and no support do it? How do you cope with work and all of the demands of a reasonably young family? What do you do to keep your marriage on track?

If at all possible I'd reduce the working hours for one or both of you. No point working hard for extra cash if you're all miserable.

I know how you feel. What about a part time nanny housekeeper after school? Yes, you'd probably both have to work after school to pay for them, but they could lighten the load by doing laundry, cooking etc.

Something is going to have to give isn't it?

Your DH sounds pretty good btw, if he's doing cooking, ironing, cleaning, it seems fair enough for you to sort out other stuff. Do you think the workload is equal? Did you come to an agreement that that's how 'home-work' would be split or is it an unspoken thing?

Is there anywhere you can cut back financially, to enable one of you to drop some hours at work? Could you get a cleaner or a nanny/housekeeper for a couple of hours a day?

Is there anyone at all that can give you a break (friends, neighbours), even if it's just for an hour to give you and your DH an opportunity to go for a walk/have a coffee/relax at home, and to give you some time to talk?

Can you automate some of this? Pay bills by direct debit? Get a dishwasher? Robotic vacuum cleaner? Can you and your DH sit and plan parties / make costumes together? Can you afford a cleaner once or twice a week? Www.flylady.com has a good system for staying on top of the housework.

Thank you all.

WAMS - you are right DH is pretty good. We share the cooking, ironing, cleaning and he does the garden. I do the bills and look after the childrens' school needs. It's not far off a fair division of labour - I suppose I get irritable because he seems able to switch off. I never can.

We can't cut down hours at the moment - we are trying to work our way out of a bad financial situation (and doing quite well on that front).

DD goes to school next year, this will save us a fortune on daycare fees. At this point we might be able to cut one of our hours back or hire a nanny/cleaner for a few hours a week. It's not long - she starts in January (we are not in the UK).

Today I realise that moaning about it isn't going to change it. I just have to focus on the good things and try to make my relationshiop with DH a priority.

Thank you for your suggestions.

Sounds a lot like mine and dh's situation. Especially the thinking forward bit lol! We always keep Saturday night as our time and send the younger 2 to bed on time and the older 2 kids to bed with a DVD and snacks as a treat for them (and us). On Saturday nights we sit and eat together or watch a film and talk. Even if we're flying around all week we keep this time special. I suppose the other thing is to take the mickey out of each other nicely! And keep a sense of humour (somehow).

Is there any way you could do a class in yoga or meditation - just 30 mins or an hour that you can totally switch off and learn to relax can make a whole lot of difference and really recharge your battery. Once you have learned the techniques then you can take yourself off for a bit of self enforced quiet.
Easier said than done I know!