Can a separations be amicable or am I being very naive?? Advice from people who have gone through it please.

[ExpatMummyInOz]

My other half and I are separating after nearly 13 years together (de-facto, not married). I am trying very hard (as I think he is, too) to ensure it is as amicable and, for want of a better word, as friendly as possible. We have two young children and, for their sakes, I want to maintain a good relationship with my ex-to-be. He is a nice, decent bloke who is a wonderful Dad, and he loves the kids very much. He has agreed that the kids will live with me, and I am happy for him to be as involved as he wants to be with the children, and I know this is the most important thing to him too.

After lots of reasonably calm (!) discussions between us, I was the one who made the decision that I wanted to separate, but my partner agreed with me that it is probably is the best thing for us both. We currently live overseas and I plan on moving back to the UK next year with the kids, and he is planning on returning later in the year.

I guess my question to posters who have been through a split is, is it really possible to have an amicable separation where you manage to stay civil and respectful to each other, and they continue to be an important part of your life, as well as the in the children's? Did you manage to sort things out without involving solicitors and courts?

My Mum thinks I am completely naive to be approaching it this way, and she says that it will end up turning nasty, especially once we start trying to sort out money! My Mum is a glass-half-empty person whereas I'm the half-full type, but her comments have made me think.

Am I being too naive, and should we rather be sorting this out through lawyers? Do we have to go through a court regarding custody and child support, or is it okay to come to an arrangement that we are both comfortable with?

Advice please!

No your not being niave.
Thats not to say there might not be some disagreements or a few fraught moments where either you or him may need to compromise, but if you can avoid solicitors and courts then thats all the better for the kids and for both of you in what must be an already painful time.
Keep talking as much as you need to to your ex, I think the more you communicate, the less likely it will be there is any misunderstandings of what you are expecting from each other.
Good luck.

Yes, it is completely possible. I did it with my first husband (whom I was with for 11 years). We had no kids, so on that front it was considerably easier; but we are still good friends today.

My current DH and I are now separating too, and although it is painful, I've run the whole gamut of emotions, and there has been some stress, it is very much amicable. This time, too, there are kids involved, and if anything that has contributed to the co-operative environment rather than detracted from it. In fact, we were remarking last night that we're getting on so much better now that we've made the decision.

(I don't think I'm cut out for marriage - which has also been a significant realisation.)

I was married for over 15 years to my XH. We divorced amicably, he found a new girlfriend within a month of us splitting when we were still living in the same house. She is very nice, the DDs met her quite quickly. DD1 liked her, DD2 took longer to come to terms with it.

Three years down the line we are still friends, we get on better now than we did when we were married. Weirdly, that started almost as soon as we decided to split. It was like someone said that we didn't have to keep trying anymore, so we relaxed and it became easier.

It is hard work. We both had to bite our tongues and sometimes it was hard not to criticise the other. But we managed, and as a result the DDs are happy and we are amicable.

I think it would only work if you have a reasonable partner though.

Yes it is possible. I had a completely amicable separation and divorce and haven't had any trouble with him. That was only possible once I realised I would be happier without him (he was having an affair.)

If he is a decent man and you are a decent woman and you both want what's best for the children, then it's possible.

yes, a good friend of mine is seperating amicably with his wife. They have agreed joint custody, and will continue to share lives with their children, just not with each other. As SS said above, once they agreed to divorce, they also started getting on a lot better without the expectations and pressure of a marriage. There were a few emotional discussions about money and support but they have also surprised themselves with their maturity and dignity in agreeing to part.

I think it can be done mostly. EXDH and I split nearly as year a go and both have new partners. It has been hard when finances have been bought into the occasion and I have been quite soft about this. We also agreed not to introduce any new partners unless we were serious about them, I waited 5 months to introduce mine ex waited a week!! I think if you keep the lines of communication open and remind him of what you agreed it could all work out ok. Good Luck and with regards to your mum try not to worry, my parents took it so badly they even said ex would end up having a breakdown and murdering us all, they really added to the stress tbh

You're not being naive and yes it is possible. My Ex and I are the best of friends - and he and my DH are mates. He will be the guardian of my subsequent DCs in the event of anything untoward, and pops round at least once a week for a glass of wine and a chat.

It didn't happen straight away, but we were always reasonable re our DCs and we never used solicitors - did the divorce ourselves just by getting the forms from the courts. I always trusted him to do the right thing re the children, and he always has - if you feel the same, then there's no reason why you should be spending money on lawyers that you don't need to.

my ex behaved like an absolute bastard and did not see dc for a year after I left him. Another couple of years down the line we are friendly on a business like, fortnightly basis and sometimes do things with dc together. What's the option, really? if I didn't have dc with him I'd not have set eyes on him again, as it is we have both made the best of a bad job.
Sounds like you are starting well ahead of the point I was at, so I should think you have every chance of arranging things amicably. Maybe your mother's pessimism is a generational hangback from the days of the 'bitter divorcee' ie when women's identies were much more wrapped up in being the missus

"I guess my question to posters who have been through a split is, is it really possible to have an amicable separation where you manage to stay civil and respectful to each other, and they continue to be an important part of your life, as well as the in the children's?"

I haven't read the comments on the thread but yes My ExH and I separated in Oct 2009 after his affair came to light. Divorce was finalised last December and we have managed to do exactly what your vision is for your Ex and children. The solicitor did arrange the divorce but it was completely amicable. We get on better now than when we were married. Never argue and the kids adore seeing him often. He pops round 2 or 3 times a week and plays with them, takes them to the playground, baths and puts them to bed etc. I've completely let go of everything that happened between us now as well - which is also helps.

I still haven't met someone else so I suppose things will adjust as and when I do but I always hope he'll be a big part of their lives (as does he, he says) and he came to the last parents evening at nursery for DD, her nativity in December and it's all been great.

No need to involve the courts on custody if it's all amicable between you? Certainly ExH and I have an arrangement we're comfortable with and discuss everything amicably regarding contact times and plans often.

This is all very re assuring to read, as I too am currently going through seperation and want nothing more than an amicable split for the sake of our 3 children.

Thanks everyone for your positive messages. (Sorry to not respond sooner but had no internet access for a few days). It's so reassuring to know that others have managed an amicable break-up. I think my ex-to-be and I can achieve it too - but it does mean both parties being prepared to agree how to work together and compromise.......which I know all sounds very mature and fine in principal, but doesn't always happen in reality.

A couple of posters mentioned getting on better with their ex's once they had decided to split, and funnily enough, I have also felt that too. Having been unhappy for such a long time, it felt like an enormous weight had lifted off my shoulders once I made the decision to end our relationship. I think it's the knowledge that I no longer feel I have to flog a very dead horse!

Lilybeebee, good luck too, with your separation - I know it's a tough thing to be going through so you have my sympathy.

Yes it is possible but it might take a few years to put in place if there is any hurt on one or both part.
My parents are divorced and still talk together regularly over the phone because 1. they were good friends once so not is all bad, my dad still loves my mum so he made a huge effort too.

1. They have children and grandchildren they both care about and nobody else really feel the same about. (I.e my step father is lovely but not that interested about how clever or cute my DDs are or how they remind my mum and dad of me)

I met 2 of my previous boyfriends a few years after we split, and am still friends with them.

good luck

I would avoid separating with no legal agreement about the children or you will end up in a very complicated place. You don't need to go to court though - you can draw up a private legal agreement which is non-binding but provides a framework for you to work within.

Thanks, Bonsoir, and I completely agree that there needs to be something in place. A private legal agreement is along the lines of what we were thinking. You never know what's around the corner, or how things will change if/when one of you meets a new partner, or God forbid, if something should happen to one of you unexpectedly.