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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

dv in pregnancy

10 replies

blackeyedsusan · 31/05/2011 00:59

it's really bad isn't it. It is just sinking in how bad whilst reading another thread.

I have thrown h out because of dv, it is just sinking in how bad some of it was, it didn't really sink in at the time. it gets to be normal, only happens every few months and everything is ok in between...

pushed over two or three times, pushed at least once and punched on the side of bump... would have been front if I had not dodged away. punched on legs when nearly 8m pregnant.

How the hell do you cope with the realisation that you put up with it for so long? might still be putting up with it if it wasn't for the drip drip drip of mn, gp, counsellor, nurses etc.

the mn name is more to do with a flower with orange petals... orange hair sticking in every direction, black eyes from mning late at night... (and a headbut from ds aged 2) though I was given a blackeye once too..

OP posts:

thenewf · 31/05/2011 12:35

You have gotten rid of H so are doing the right thing. It is hard to make such big changes in your life but it really is for the best.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 31/05/2011 13:36

Blackeyedsusan: you did what you could with the information and capacities that you had at the time. Don't beat yourself up with guilt about "letting" it happen for however long it did. Your H is responsible for his actions, not you.

With time and distance, introspection and/or therapy, you will find some answers about why now, and not before, was the right time for you to come to your realisation and decision to split from H.

You have done a very courageous thing. Be kind to yourself.

piranhamorgana · 31/05/2011 14:14

I agree,it's very hard to cope with the realisation that you put up with it so long.
But,as you say,it becomes normal.And we hang on for the bits in between.Abusers are not nasty every day,not at first anyway.We hang on in hope,and for our dc,and because we find it so hard to believe that it is really going on.

Thank goodness for the drip,drip,drip that has finally enabled you to get rid.
You must be very strong.
Things will get better now.Keep talking.Telling people just how bad it was might help lay it to rest,and to validate what you have done.I kept it to myself for too long,and feel lots better since I posted some of the details on MN last week.

HerHissyness · 31/05/2011 16:55

Well done on doing what needed to be done, you have been very brave and we all know it's hard.

Don't berate yourself on what you didn't do, i.e. react to the slow ramping up of abuse and the destruction of your self esteem, focus on what you did you and what you can do, that you couldn't before... i.e live a life that's free from violence and persecution.

Have you read Lundy Bancroft's book?

There are tons of threads helping those with abusive P/STBX & Xes, so whatever you need, please ask we will do all we can for you.

Original poster

blackeyedsusan · 01/06/2011 00:27

thanks, i think I block it out most of the time as looking after the dcs takes most of my thinking time, it as quite aa shock last night to read responses to another poster being slapped in pregnancy, and think that I have been hit too. when ds is in nursery I think I will chase up some more counselling.

it's odd that one thinks it isn't that bad because you are not getting beaten to a pulp every friday night...

OP posts:

HerHissyness · 01/06/2011 00:34

I recently had to face the same, the memories and realisation of what had happened to me when I was PG.

we cover it up, because we can't explain it away, we can't spin it, so we don't tell anyone, no-one knows, so it didn't happen, right?

suburbophobe · 01/06/2011 00:37

this happened to me, and it was the defining moment that I had to get out for me and my son! (born early, I'm sure from the stress! 20 years on, he's going to university...)

Hope you have that defining moment too! You cannot block out abuse! You owe it to yourself and your kids!!

Get all the help you can with it! Women's Aid, etc.

carantala · 01/06/2011 03:44

Op - how many children do you have and what ages are they? Take care of yourself. Best wishes

Original poster

blackeyedsusan · 01/06/2011 23:52

dd,4 and ds,2

the defining moment came in January when, after a full 6 months on a dv course, I got thumped in the head whilst he was driving the car... children in the car too. he got out the car, left his keys in the ignition, I took the car and the children and left him at the side of the road...

"let's pretend this didn't happen and i don't have to deal with this emotionally... " seems to be the way I am coping at the moment... need to revisit once ds is at school nursery (sept) and I can organise myself some counselling. I know it will come out, but I need to keep hanging on for the children at the moment... who understandably are quite traumatised by it.

OP posts:

HerHissyness · 02/06/2011 00:54

Focus on the DC, get them stable first, then you can deal with your issues one at a time.

It'll be OK.

Right now if you try to deal with all your stuff, it's too soon, too raw and your subconscious hasn't had a chance to process it all yet. Plenty of time.

You have rest of your life to heal!

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