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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have feelings for someone.....

26 replies

pinkhair · 30/05/2011 23:11

Can someone please give me a little advice please.....
To cut along story short, i have had a really horrible marriage, with verbel, metal and controlling abuse from my now ex h,(6 months ago) and i have meant someone else via a online date site, and he is lovely....we met a couple of times in a public place, got on really really well, and in between seeing each other we have texted and spoke on the phone, and just spent the whole weekend together and i have real feelings for him and i know he feels the same about me, i guess i just want some advice as too whether anyone thinks im rushing alittle, it feels sooooo right.

OP posts:
Jellykat · 31/05/2011 00:19

Hello Pinkhair, i was on your thread many moons ago and i remember what you went through... My god, you deserve to be happy now!

Go slowly, trust your instincts- be they good or bad, i reckon you are clued up enough to recognize any 'red flags' by now, but try not to give too much of yourself away just yet...you really went through hell, and i expect you are still very vulnerable.

I really really hope he's a good 'un, enjoy but be careful x

squeakytoy · 31/05/2011 00:21

ditto what Jelly said.

Go and have fun. Be careful. Dont get in too deep. x

lazarusb · 31/05/2011 19:08

Just take it slowly. Don't make any rash decisions. Don't move in together too soon. Explore him a bit more and keep your head engaged!
Good luck, be happy Smile

Original poster
pinkhair · 01/06/2011 12:41

Thank you all for your advice, and yes jellykat i know the 'red flags' now, i will take things slow and see how we get on, but most importantly im going to have fun!!!!!

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Original poster
pinkhair · 06/06/2011 21:04

Need more advice ladies please.....

I feel things are moving too fast between us, but i dont know how to tell him without hurting him, i do really like him, but something is making me hold back now, i dont know what it is though.

He has not done anything wrong, and has treated me really well, loving and gentle and so kind and thoughtful, is it just me, cos of what i have been through?

Any advice please!!!!!

OP posts:
Kimberjem · 06/06/2011 21:06

hi pink hair, what are his circumstances has he been single long?

Original poster
pinkhair · 06/06/2011 21:18

Hi Kim, he has been seperated from his wife for a year now, not divorced yet, not even in motion either, she told him she didnt love him anymore and to leave so he did, they dont have children together only step children, on her side....

There is one little problem that keeps niggling away at me and thats the texts she sends him, saying she wants him back, and she still loves him, and lots like that, but he hasnt told her about me, says it would cause too many problems........but he does show me every text she sends him, but doesnt do anything about it, is it normal?
I dont want to get hurt, or my son to get hurt.

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Kimberjem · 06/06/2011 21:23

Then I would guess it's probably your gut instinct that has been holding you back because something doesn't ring true that she told him to leave, didn't love him anymore but is now texting him wanting him back and he won't be honest with her about you to allow them both to move on. Sounds like perhaps he is keeping his options open in which case there is a very good reason for you to hold back.

BooBooGlass · 06/06/2011 21:26

Yes yes, slow right down. In fact stop. YOu are only 6 months out of a shitty relationship. Are you really ready to date? And why does your son even factor into this? Please please tell me you've not introduced him to your new man. You cannot be madly in love with someone after a few weeks. You just can't. Ask yourself if you really know what a decent, respectful relationship is. If you don't, educate yourself before you even think of starting to date again.

Original poster
pinkhair · 06/06/2011 21:28

When i ask him about her he says he would never go back, he loves me too much, so why wont he tell her about me???
I feel i dont want to say to much incase it is true and things are over between them, and then i mess things up between us.

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BooBooGlass · 06/06/2011 21:30

He loves you too much afer 2 weeks? Get real. You've found yourself another potential abuser. Big big red flag when someone declares their undying love so soon, as well as bad mouthing their ex.

Original poster
pinkhair · 06/06/2011 21:39

Why am i so s**t at relationships, i move in too fast dont i, i thought i was doing the right thing by introducing my DS, cos i thought i had found mr right.
I still think i have though.

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BooBooGlass · 06/06/2011 21:41

In less than a month? You are joking right? Hmm You need to nip this in the bud. And seriously, don't introduce your children to people so soon. It's ludicrous, not to mention potentially very damaging for them. You MUST know this?

Original poster
pinkhair · 06/06/2011 21:46

I do know this, but it seemed so right though, people have said that they have seen us together and we are so well matched, but i just have this feeling inside....

OP posts:
Kimberjem · 06/06/2011 21:48

Wow, this is all pretty crazy, you have already introduced him to your son, I really woul stay stop having him around your son now and give it time to see the man he is, it takes time, one of my friends is fantastic at holding back and seeing and I admire her for it because she has weeded out a lot of potentiall very bad men by not rushing in.

aleene · 06/06/2011 22:03

yes you are rushing things! You need to be enjoying yourself not throwing yourself into a committed relationship. If this man is as wonderful as he says then he will respect that you have just come out of something long term and are just looking for dating - not commitment.
Sorry.

TDada · 06/06/2011 23:21

good to hear that you are happy... enjoy the ride but go a bit slower

Original poster
pinkhair · 07/06/2011 21:54

Had a chat with him tonight, but he has made it quite clear that he would like to see me a couple of day a week, at night time, and staying the night and then on a sat night and all day sun, i told him its too much for me, but he said he cant be a boyfriend who sees me less.....what do i do????

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aleene · 08/06/2011 00:10

Stand your ground! Tell him you are not changing your whole life. What kind of man insists you spend all your time with him when you are telling him it is too much. And after a few weeks of knowing him?

iseeyou · 08/06/2011 11:21

the way i see it, yes you may have clicked with this man for now but seriously why is he so demanding from the outset. doesnt that worry you that he isnt being more flexible. aside from feeling like he is the one dont you see that him being this way is a problem, if he cared about you then he would agree to do as you wish. He can obviously see you have been hurt and i would suspect you are sending out signals that you are lonely and in good need of some love and affection (like we all need!) but please stand your ground on this one. you dont need to get involved with a man who is already starting to control you - your time - no matter how loving and nice he has appeared so far.

have you read about the stages of love - at the start its the honeymoon and you will do absolutely anything for this person and visa versa. but its not till after this in love faze ends that real love actually begins. when things start becoming mundane etc and how you handle that. the point i am making is please do not make any quick decisions - as you already have by introducing him to your DC - whilst you are in this toxic state of headiness and overjoyed to have met someone who you think gets you and cares about you. get to know him more and more and more. it takes years to know someone as you know. he could be presenting himself in any way which, be very very careful especially where you child is concerned.

above all, take care of your heart and have control over your daily life dont be too willing to bend to please at the outset

SingOut · 08/06/2011 11:30

My God, OP - you could be me a year ago. Be careful, please. I got very hurt because it was too soon for me to be dating, my boundaries were crap from the last nightmarish relationship and I had chosen someone I wouldn't have picked if I were in a healthier frame of mind.

I would now, categorically not ever date someone separated or recently divorced, they'd have to have had their decree absolute for a good few years before I'd give them the time of day. One bitten, etc.
Please take care of yourself. x

Original poster
pinkhair · 08/06/2011 22:26

Thank you ladies for your advice....

I had a long chat with him today and he has thought about what i said and what i have been through and how im feeling, and he has said he dont want to lose me or hurt my feelings, he also said that we have moved to quick to soon, and he is willing to slow things down and go as slow as i need to, he says he understands where im coming from, and wants to help me as much he can. dont worry, i will still watch and guard my heart and most importantly my DS too.

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ConcernedMotherV13 · 08/06/2011 22:39

Hey pinkhair. Not sure if this is relevant but my husband likes the fact I have brown hair. Also not many of us get metal abuse. What do you mean? My advice would be try and make things work with your husband because unfortunately every relationship gets stale at some point and we look for more fulfillment. The grass looks greener but usually isn't.

Original poster
pinkhair · 09/06/2011 14:04

sorry concerned, dont know what you mean by your post, could you explain it please.

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Original poster
pinkhair · 10/06/2011 06:57

Concernedmotherv13, im not going to go back to my exh after what i went through, me and my ds are better off without him, you couldnt of read my first thread 'what do i do' cause otherwise you wouldnt of said go back, your not to know....thank you for your advice though, the metal abuse i got was he was really messing with my head, making me think i was ill and needed help etc.

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