am i being unreasonable? (7)

[bossykate]

need to bring a case before the Court of Mumsnet!

swapped chores with dh for a while, he took over the laundry for a few days, i took over cooking and cleaning up in the evening.

he washed an expensive cashmere jumper of mine in the ordinary wash with ordinary detergent. it shrank and is now unwearable.

would it be fair to ask him to replace it?

i await the mumsnet verdict...

Message withdrawn

Bossykate, I think it's only fair that he replaces it. Sounds like something my DH would do (if he ever did the washing.)

Sobernow, I know exactly what you mean. How sad is that

sobernow - snap! (well, nearly)

bk - It depends on how much it would hurt him to pay for it, I think. It was an honest mistake after all. But it certainly wouldn't be very unreasonable!

On another note, are there really only 6 other "Am I being unresaonable" threads? I would have thought we were in the 30s by now at least!

Please see 'men and washing machines' thread. Yes, he can damn well replace it!

But...BK... he bought you diamond earrings...and more diamond earrings when you lost yours! You are a lucky girl and you know it Is he very contrite? Maybe let him off this time but let him know that cashmere makes an acceptable Christmas present??

what would you do if you had done it?

I feel dead sorry for him wish my dh would do the washing. And if I ruined his clothes I wouldnt want to be punished But on the fun side you could con him

ooh, a number of issues surfacing here, i feel!

we both work full-time (or more or less) - we share the chores. i think we have negotiated a fair split pretty well - but it never hurts to challenge the status quo, hence the swap.

don't know what to say to all those who say the dhs don't do much... maybe it is time you tried a swap yourselves?

dadslib - agree with you insofar as he could just have read the bleedin' label. i wasn't born knowing how to do the laundry, i learned. since he is a phd you would think he would have enough brainpower to be as competent as me. it is just a question of being conscientious.

however, dh is dyslexic and dyspraxic. when he say he "just doesn't see" untidiness, or doesn't take care with things, it's not just an excuse, he just doesn't. although this has disadvantages on the housework front, it does have advantages in that he genuinely doesn't notice that i have put on weight, what i'm wearing, haven't shaved my legs - or whatever... so not all bad!

however, disagree with dadslib re cooking as a chore - for me on a work night cooking is just one chore among many...

i don't have an extensive (or expensive come to that) wardrobe. i can't wear wool next to my skin, it brings me out in a rash, so i look for alternatives. i have a few cashmere things but also have cotton, fleece and acylic, including the £15 jumper from next i'm wearing today (got a few compliments at work - debut appearance for this garment!).

aloha - it is funny what you remember about people's previous posts, isn't it? dh replaced the earrings as you mention because i happened to lose them the same week i had an m/c.

he has been very contrite, and acknowledges that he should have taken more care to read the bleedin' label!

i think lucy has hit the nail on the head - he can't afford to replace it. i think i would be a complete cow to insist. but at the same time, i did want validation that it was ok to be rather pissed off at his carelessness!

overall, i think the court of mumsnet has come up with a fair verdict!

thanks to all for your replies

Replace it yourself on the joint credit card

Since he's genuinely sorry and it was a complete accident (and he's admitted that he should have been more careful) then you're right to simply leave it. As you say, you got the validation you wanted.

I don't think DH knows how to use our washing machine. He certainly doesn't know how to read laundry lables since he once asked me how I knew what temperature to set the iron to.

We don't have set chores, so sometimes I do the washing, sometimes DH does it. However, he has only really grasped the concept of dark and light washes, delicates vs ordinary wash is far beyond his capabilities! I just never put handwash only things in the basket, having learnt from bitter experience.

BK, I didn't mean to be tactless. I was very sorry to read about your miscarriage. I didn't post at the time because I was on holiday when it happened and only very recently realised that you had lost the baby. I saw you mention it on a recent thread and wasn't sure if it was too late to say anything. But I was very sorry to see it. He does sound a lovely husband - even if he did trash your jumper. I'm still waiting for my first set of diamonds and I clearly still bitter about it . Do know how you feel though. An ex once trashed ALL my nice underwear by putting it in with something black. Everything white, cream or shell pink came out blue/grey. I was a little bit cross...! Now, of course, I no longer have any nice underwear and couldn't care less what happens to it.

According to an article yesterday Men's Brains 'are programmed to ignore dust' , so it isn't just BK's dh who doesn't see the dust. I think my MIL must have a man's brain as she has years and years worth of dust in her house.

just to let you know,

My dh undresses ds in the living-room on non-bath-nights. If I didn't point it out, the clothes that ds takes off would still be there, on the floor 3 or 4 days later. DH just doesn't notice them (same as wiping kitchen surfaces after filling the dishwasher at night)

suedonim, that's interesting about men's brains and your MIL's dust - DH and I seem to have reversed gender tendencies - as well as minding about mess, and never leaving his things on the floor (everybody else does including me), he was always much more patient and motherly than me when the kids were smaller - if they cried at night he was always the one who went, because I was the one who slept like the dead and didn't hear them.

He also has the spatial skills of a rhinoceros and can never see how to get eg an armchair through a door or up the stairs. (Not that we do that regularly! )

That Telegraph piece - and Easy's description of her DH - will make my DS1's life easier now though. I didn't realise why he is so infuriatingly casual about clothes after he takes them off. He wonders why he is down to his last clean school shirt, when the rest are scattered round his room and I refuse to put them to the wash for him. I will still try to train him to do it himself (I think I owe it to any future partner he might have) but with a bit more understanding.

sorry, bk, hijacking your thread a bit here - what have you decided to do about replacing the ruined cashmere? Couldn't tell from your last response - only that you feel more cheerful about your domestic responsibility allocation!

V. V. stupid of him bk - dylsexia or no, if he didn't now it was safe to put it in he should have left it out or asked.
But if he can't afford to replace it it would seem a bit horrid to insist. Of course you would be perfectly justified in buying yourself a replacement without feeling guily at the expense.

janh - we have similarly reversed gender traits too.

A bit weird I know - dp doesn't do an enormous amount of housework, but what he does do he does 10 times better than me and is always telling me to stop being so messy (what? why can't that pile of papers live there? etc.)

However he does also beat me when it comes to spatial awareness too. I'm sure I beat him at something!

Anyway bk - being a bit "mess-blind" (though, oddly, not dust-blind) myself I don't think it was hugely stupid of him. I imagine he's never had a cashmere sweater of his own! Just a bit silly - agree with prufrock.

Ks your post about the no of am I being unreasonable threads and PMT made me snigger! Ah, Bk, I agree with the majority, don't insist but maybe Let It Be Known that you are not happy and that he needs to read labels.

Missed this one, bk - sorry to hear about your poor jersey. No chance it was of a style that might suit ds (depending on shrinkage)? I hear boiled wool is rather in this Autumn.
Agree that the Point Need to be Made re reading and interpreting labels (if he can acquire a PhD surely he can read washing instructions!), but have to ask - are there any charred saucepans hiding in the cupboard under the sink? Have there been any secret trips to the takeaway? How have you got on with your new chores ?
Let us know if/how you acquire your replacement jumper.

thanks everyone!

my last response was rather rambling and i seem to have done a good job of hi-jacking my own thread!

for the record, i'm rather sceptical about men's brains being programmed differently so they "can't" do housework. hmmm, not rocket science is it? i do think different individuals have different levels of "mess blindness", but as some of the responses on this thread show, that's not gender specific.

dh's "mess vision" has been greatly improved over the years we have been together by means of sweet, wifely encouragement, e.g. "oi, sunshine, those clothes aren't going to put themselves in the basket, are they?"

we have now reverted back to the original arrangment, more or less. we now have someone doing the ironing, which frees up more of my time, so that i do the cooking sometimes in the evening. haha, marina, no i didn't ruin the saucepans or pass of the local chinese finest as my own work!

in general (no it's not domestic paradise with never a cross word spoken over the chores), i think we're both reasonably happy with how we've split things, given the relative constraints placed on us by work. i would like to spend more time with ds on my own, but that's another thread entirely.

anyway, back to the Great Laundry Debacle. i think the point is made, no point being a total bitch about it. i will replace the damn thing in due course, no doubt, or alternatively get 17 more next jumpers for the same price!

thanks to all for your replies

ps - aloha, hope you get your diamonds, i found a strategy of VERY HEAVY HINTS worked a treat