Hi there. I?m in a desperate situation here and I wonder if any of mumsnetter?s could help?
To keep it vague: I am in my late twenties with a wonderful DS who is nearing double figures. Despite doing voluntary work and studying with the OU, I have been unable to find paid employment for some years now. I hate not being able to find a job ? I want to work so badly, but despite my best efforts, nobody have given me a chance and I have been forced to collect benefits. I feel kind of gross about this. My inability to find work is utterly soul destroying and feel worthless. I am also in nearly £10,000?s debt ? mainly credit cards. I have run this debt up by just trying to get by!
Here?s where the complications come in; my landlords are the parents of an old school friend of mine who eventually became my DP. DP?s name is on the deeds to the house I am living in now, so technically, he is my landlord too. DP was due to move in with me two years ago, after living with friends, but was then made redundant himself and despite getting a new job soon afterwards, his salary was cut by half. He stayed on at his friends, and also ran up over £10,000?s worth of debt on credit cards himself! Again, most of this was living expenses but he is bad with money also (obsessed with designer clothes, holidays, his motorbike, etc). He wanted to still move in with me once he found his new job, but I said no as his outgoings were not enough to cover the house alone and plus, I REFUSE to commit benefit fraud (I?d have been the unlucky fucker who got caught, if I?d have gone through with it!) ? plus, it?s just not right. He moaned about this but decided to put off the moving in until we were both sorted.
DP has his own key and I see him mostly at weekends, when my DS is with his dad. He also pops in during the week here and there, but his working hours prevent much more contact than this.
Except that we?ve both failed miserably at getting ourselves sorted. The friend that DP was living with has recently decided to move in with his girlfriend when their lease ends, which is tomorrow!!! DP will be going over to live with his parents within the week (my landlords, if you can still keep up!) who have recently, simultaneously decided that the housing benefit cheque they collect off me every month, is not even nearly enough anymore. To be fair, they are right ? they could get around another £400 a month for the place I?m in and they?re having money worries themselves. So they have decided to ?evict? me and got new tenant?s in to rent privately. Between them and DP, they have concocted a plan for me and DS to stay in their spare room for a year (with DP, so three of us in the same room) and get ourselves sorted (new jobs, pay off some debts) before moving on. ?Perfect!? you might think. ?What a kind offer!?
Except, there?s a little bit of a problem. DP is abusive. And so are his family. And I CANNOT go through with this.
Oh.
I sure do leave things late in the day, don?t I? The big move is meant to be happening in three weeks and despite several years of emotional, verbal and sometimes physical abuse from my DP (which I stupidly thought I could handle), my light-bulb moment came last Friday night, when I saw his dad drunkenly tear apart his mum (again) and saw my whole miserable future mapped out in that moment. And more importantly, my son?s - my poor, beautiful boy.
Basically, DP has been away at his friend?s stag do this weekend. He went Friday and is due back today. I think he plans to visit tonight or tomorrow. My DS was also at his dad?s but got back last night (and is now next door, playing with my neighbour?s son). I was really looking forward to the peace and quiet, but DP?s family invited me out to dinner on Friday night and I accepted. DP?s dad got progressively drunk throughout the night (he drinks himself stupid several times a week and almost always at home) and what was supposed to be nice evening, turned into an interrogation about my DP?s drug use (marijuana ? has given up now) and a big old drunken rant about DP?s situation (I do genuinely think this was born out of worry). On the way home, DP?s dad INSISTED on filling my car up with petrol, because I drove them and therefore could not have a drink myself (!?) I mean wow! I was really uncomfortable and kept refusing but he harangued me until I pulled into the petrol stain and then proceeded to fill my tank up fully!!! I didn?t wish to be ungrateful, but I felt really embarrassed and it so wasn?t necessary at all. I thanked him but told him he was mad.
Things got worse when we got back to theirs. We started talking about unemployment, and earmarked jobs, etc when DP?s dad started verbally abusing his mum. He was screaming and shouting at her, calling her stupid and telling her she was wrong (?!) and to shut up. I could clearly see that DP?s mum was right, but this man was unreasonable and there was no telling him. DP?s mum was trying to keep calm, but she eventually went upstairs to pretend to ring her sister (who lives in North America, so would have been about 6-7pm over there). I calmed DP?s dad down and made my excuses and left on a good note, but it was like a switch had tripped in my head ? there was NO WAY I can move over there and live with these people. DP?s dad is a vicious, nasty drunk who hates women and will bully them until they are too worn down to argue back and his mum just lets him get aways with it. I have always gotten on with DP?s parents, and they have always been good landlords to me ? I hoped they would also become good parents in law one day too. But I now know where all of DP?s issues have come from and it would be absolute MADNESS to expose my son to all of that ? even if it is only for a year (which is not definite anyway ? we might end up trapped there if things don?t go to plan). I can?t do it. I WON?T do it. But what can I do instead?!
Over the years, DP has abused me repeatedly. He can be a very kind, caring man and a lot of fun. My DS also LOVES him. But he frequently gets into very black moods (and I?m talking approximately 2-3 times a week here) where he goes into rants, which can last for hours at a time. I am usually the subject of these rants (some real or imagined problem I have caused) but even if I?m not, you can bet the rant will end up directed at me anyway. He bullies me as bad, if not worse than his father bullies his mother, but somehow in my head it?s not as bad because he doesn?t expose my son to it. DP?s dad will gob-off in front of anyone and it?s only now that my DS is at risk of seeing/hearing this bullshit that I?ve finally snapped.
I get endless lists of my failures thrown at me and get called every name under the son. I get called a fat fuck and he tells me that he only sleeps with out of pity, as no ?one else would want me (I?m 5ft8 and a size 14-16, so not beached whale territory. I DON?T have a nice body ? that much is true, but I do have a nice face). I also get called a lazy, workshy slob, useless, worthless and pathetic. He calls me a benefits scrounging cunt and reminds me often, who?s house I?m living in. He has OCD and when he comes round, he inspects the place and reels off a list of things I haven?t done properly and makes out that I?m not keeping his property nice. He tells me that my family don?t love me (possibly true) because I?m evil (not true at all) and that I deserved to get raped when I was younger because I was a slag (I was quite promiscuous before I met DP). If I try to stand up for myself, I?m either a bitch or crazy. If I break down in tears, I?m pathetic and weak. If I walk out the room and refuse to engage, then I?m cold and heartless. I NEVER win. EVER. He moves the goalposts around so often, that what he wants from me one day is entirely different the next. It?s exhausting.
He threatens to split up with me all the time if I don?t play ball and recently even said to me after I begged him in tears during one of his rants, to leave me alone in peace and not come back; ?Yay! Now I can get a slim girlfriend!? He?s a charmer, aint he?!
There has been violence too. He nearly strangled me to death one night, I feel sure of it. I have had numerous bruises (but only once to the face ? clever boy). Shamefully, I have on occasion, given him a slap. But when someone is ranting at you and follows you round the room shouting in your face when you try and get away, it?s hard not to react. I did once go for him unprovoked ? not my finest moment. He?s abused me verbally all day and then turned over and went to sleep. I just switched and grabbed his hair and hit him in his head. I feel really ashamed of myself for that?..
He can be amazing in some ways. He?s capable of feeling true remorse but that doesn?t stop me being afraid of his threats to kill me if I ever leave him, cheat on him or meet someone else. I feel pretty sure he?s cheated on me though. No proof. I don?t even think I care any more. He does seem to genuinely care about DS?s well-being though and the thought of us ending up homeless has put him in tears several times. He has really pushed this move to his parents through ? he has a one-track-mind ? he really does think it?ll be the answer to all of our problems.
Another example of his awareness is the fact that he booked and organised his own anger management counselling. He has been attending sessions for about 9 months and whilst there has only been a slight improvement in his rage, all violence has ceased. That can only be a good thing. He WANTS to get better and to change. He repeatedly tells me that he doesn?t want to end up like his dad, but years of growing up watching his dad?s shit have meant that he?s been conditioned. It breaks my heart to see what could be a good man, ruined by this inner anger and resentment he carries inside. His dad, clearly thinks that women are less than men. I see my DP struggle with that everyday, as deep down, he knows he bullies women because he?s seen his dad do it ? not because he also thinks women are less. He adores his mum. Thinks the world of her and won?t hear a bad word against her. He tells me that she?s an inspirational woman and that we should all aspire to be like her. That she?s been through hell and come out the other side. She is a lovely person and in some ways VERY inspirational, but due to her impossible circumstances (immigrant, facing racism and poverty) she has enabled her husband to abuse her and ruin their son. I CANNOT do the same.
It?s like DP can only properly respect women if he sees them being abused and trying to carry on regardless. He KNOWS the inner strength and compassion of women. But he resents it so much as well.
I?m so sorry for the length. I?ve never told anyone this before and I guess it all came spilling out. Wow. If anyone can be bothered to read this, it?ll be a miracle.
Where can we go? What can we do? Please help me someone ? I?m so lost?..