Hi Keely, my first post. I have been looking at similar posts for some time but yours was the first to move me to post on my experience. Lots of people will have really helpful advice and comments on how they have coped with their similar experiences, it is truly sad but it happens more than I ever thought and to all sorts of people. It is not your fault, I have only learned that recently...14 years in.
For all I have read on other posts I think that the only commonality is the process you go through, each case is different (with similarities) but there seem to be stages, as I experienced. You need to look after yourself. Make sure you have the capacity to deal with each step, all emotional and all incredibly exhausting.
14 years ago I discovered that my partner at the time had been having an affair with a work colleague. Funny thing is I kind of felt that the intentions of the other party were not well meaning, my partner talked about them and repeated some of the things that had been said by them and I warned to be careful, but, I did not for a minute think that the feeling between them was mutual. I even sensed something the night that the line was crossed and my life was changed forever, but I did nothing to prevent it and am haunted by it.
Discovery is the start, the reaction I got when I confronted my partner was telling, absolute distress and immediate regret. I could tell it was a huge mistake, one because I knew my partner so well, two because I could see it in their face.
This genuine regret and fear of losing me/us tempered the way we dealt with things, I asked questions, and some pretty horrible ones at that, and I got answers. Be prepared to hear the answers if you are prepared to ask the questions, some of them can be as hurtful as the affair itself. One thing that should be clear is that if you ask the questions the answers have to be absolutely open and honest, no matter how difficult for either of you, lies will out in the end, discovering the affair is evidence enough to demonstrate that.
Go with your feelings, if you feel good, feel good, if you get angry, let rip. Don't dwell on it or keep it in.
If my experience is anything to go by it will never stop, the wondering, the visions of what happened, the hatred of the other party, the regret you didn't stop it, the feeling of worthlessness. But it does get less over time and then it may only be a few times a year.
4 years after discovery we were married, we have 2 children and are as in love as we ever were. I know that they say once a cheater always a cheater but I disagree, it really does depend on the person.
I would say that you must take the time to clear the 'noise' of discovery, this will take time, probably months. But you need to have a clear head and distance from your harsh new reality before you can take an informed and level decision on the future.
Above all you need to know yourself. Can you live with it. It will never go away but you will be able to deal with it, you have to one way or another, your husband made that decision for you, i hope he recognises that.
I am not sure this has been helpful, I really wish you the best of luck and peace of mind. I hope in time you will see that terrible though it is, this should not define your life, no Doubt you are much better than that.