Advice needed please, ILs arriving unannounced (again!)

[pallymama]

First off, sorry, I know this has been done before. I've just spent half an hour searching for advice on old threads, but I can't find what I'm looking for.

I get on very well with my ILs, they're lovely people. However, they are very much the head of the family, especially MiL, so no one on DHs side likes to challange them. We live close by, about 10 minutes away. I like having them over to visit, for a meal, or just a cup of tea. However, I am really not ok with them dropping in unannounced. We're busy most weekdays, so weekends are our time to relax, just me DH and DD. Sometimes I do just want us to sit down in our pyjamas, watching dvds!

They turn up randomly at the weekend, usually because they've been out near by and it's a suitable time for them to pop round. They will ask what we've been up to, and if it's not busy enough/productive enough, or if the house is messy,they will make some kind of joke about it, which makes me bite my tongue to avoid making a sarcastic reply! They aren't nasty about it, it just puts me on edge.

DH and I both agree that it's not acceptable, and that we need to sort it out now before resentment builds. The question is, how? If I just say "Oh I'm sorry, we're busy" they will want to know with what, and will say they won't stay long! Not answering the door doesn't work, DD will toddle up to the door, with it's big windows, and they will know we are in. (or they will simply let themselves in with the spare key they said they didn't have! ) We need to bite the bullet and talk to them openly about it, but what the hell do I say? (Or rather, what should DH say?) I really don't want us to offend them with this.

Agree it should be DH talking to them not you. He just needs to say something like what you have mentioned above as in "We love having you to visit, but would you give us a ring when you are on your way in future"

I had the same problem, it's a bit long but here's the thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1215757-to-be-a-bit-hacked-off-with-DHs-family

Had some excellent advice from people. We ended up asking them to call ahead (simple eh!) but really the compromise is that I take DS over there at least once a week, that way they can't feel excluded and as though they 'have' to pop in in order to spend time with him.

Good luck!

About the "jokes" - tell them. Say I know you mean well, I know you don't mean to be nasty but I find it really hard when you make comments about what we do with our time or the way we keep our house. They'll probably tell you you're being oversensitive but if they are genuinely lovely people they'll try to stop. (and it they don't, pick them up on it every time - "I know you thought that was a joke but I found it rude").

And the visits - well first stop is to ask them to phone and arrange a mutually convenient time to visit. Tell them you love and appreciate them, and arrange a time straight off.

If that doesn't work, next thing is not to invite them in when they come. Don't say you're busy, say "oh hello, we're not inviting you in, do you remember we asked you to arrange visits with us rather than turning up randomly?". You don't have to tell them what you're doing, and the answer to why they can't come in is "because we don't want you to".

If that doesn't work, start dropping in on them at times you know they will find inconvenient, like 10pm or 7am. Just you on your own, without dd or dh. Daily. With a breezy smile and "oh I was just passing, I knew you wouldn't mind!".

Thank you all for your replies, and thank you for the link snuffleturtle, that's the exact thread I was looking for! I knew I'd read one recently! :)

Playdo - If either DH or I do that, they will be offended. They won't make a fuss, or get nasty about it, or even try to make us feel guilty, but they will be offended, and I'm worried it will create an atmosphere. We spend a fair amount of time with DHs family, so I'd rather keep everyone happy.

We spoke to them this week, told them we were busy all this weekend, and invited them round for tea for the 1st date they could do. They also get to see DD usually once a week. They still turned up without warning today and made some daft comment about not being able to see the furniture as DD had duplo everywhere!

Will go and re-read that thread now and try to come up with a game plan. Then, most importantly, steel myself to actually carry it through!