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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Any ideas on how to respond?

16 replies

ScarletRed · 30/05/2011 16:16

Just a quick background my brother and I have not spoken in about 3/4 years - his decision as his new wife asked him to choose between her and me. Although we were close as children and into our 20's, we were still closer than most siblings so understandably I was hurt.

He has just this weekend sent me an email:
I wanted to talk about a few things. I handled a lot of stuff very badly and it screwed up a lot of things. I broke your trust and you got pissed. I want to smooth stuff over if you are open to talking. Reply back to my other email address if you are going to reply back.
By the way (SIL) is 16 weeks pregnant and due in early. Nov.

Now I was talking to my other SIL (husbands sister) who I am very close to and she said considering how everyone in my immediate family (including my brother) knew about my pregnancies at 6weeks it seems like I have been sent this as an after thought.

Also, when I did want to talk to my brother I had to use a secret email address he set up and call him only during 9-5 when he was at work.

Although I want to re-establish my relationship with my brother I don't want to go back to using his secret email address and calling him only during the day when he is at work.

How do I respond back in a nice civil way?

OP posts:

Xales · 30/05/2011 16:31

Almost sounds like an OW or dirty secret situation. Secret email addresses or calling only between 9 -5 when his wife doesn't know.

Depends how much you love your brother and want to be in contact?

I wouldn't like to be kept secret like that. What happens if she find out? Will it all kick off and he won't talk to you again. Will you be able to meet your neice/nephew? Will he sneak them out to see you or you can never see them? What happens if he does and you form a bond and then SIL finds out and you can't see them again?

Horrible situation.

TheOriginalFAB · 30/05/2011 16:34

Just because you told every one at 6 weeks doesn't mean you are an after thought finding out at 16 weeks.

You should see this as an olive branch and decide if it is worth it to stick to his terms or whether you want to stamp your feet and make the terms.

ShimmeryPixie · 30/05/2011 16:38

On the timing of telling you about the pregnancy - I wouldn't read anything into it. She may not have wanted to tell anyone until she was absolutely sure things were OK.

With the email from your brother. Why did SIL say 'choose: her or me?'. Was she just being divisive? It looks as if your brother wants to be in touch, but sneaking around with secret addresses is just asking for trouble IMHO. Eventually, it will be found out and things will hit fans.

Mamaz0n · 30/05/2011 16:43

Can i ask why she made him chose between you both?

squashycreech · 30/05/2011 16:50

Wow. I would find it really hard to be kept a secret. Why does it have to be like that? Is your SIL jealous of your relationship with your brother?

FabbyChic · 30/05/2011 16:58

Respond with I would love to have contact with you, but not if I'm going to be kept a secret, we are family it shouldn't be as if I was a scorned ex girlfriend.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 30/05/2011 17:05

Well what do you want to say?

BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 17:11

i personally would tell him taht i want a relationship with him but that it must be out in the open and you do not wish to be a dirty little secret being kept from his wife. either she knows all about it or nothing can be resolved.

Original poster

ScarletRed · 30/05/2011 17:59

Thanks for all the input. In answer to the question about why he had to choose in this equation is our older sister and my parents - my sister lives overseas and is close to me but not to him because of SIL. My parents were very close to my brother and when she asked him to choose it was her or his family.

I don't know if my brother's wife knows that I know - he didn't say in his email.

This is what I started to say....
Congratulations that?s wonderful news. I am sure you will make a great father.

I am open to talking. I am happy to make a fresh start but I am not going down the same old route as before with emails and phonecalls when she is out of the house or not around....

Now I am stuck as what to say.

OP posts:

BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 18:01

"it is up to you but it has to be out in the open if we are to have any sort of relationship. let me know what you decide"

LIZS · 30/05/2011 18:03

I would keep mention of his wife out of it. What you have added sounds very hostile. Send congratulations to them both and yes you'd like to keep in touch but via the usual routes. Then it is up to him.

maypole1 · 30/05/2011 18:04

I think your premting trouble with that is all could aprt from the last bit meet up then see what he has to say first.

Mamaz0n · 30/05/2011 18:12

sorry i still don't understand the reason for the ultimatum. Your SIL lives overseas? so your brother had to move over to be with her? That shouldn't mean he needed to cut all contact surely?

Original poster

ScarletRed · 30/05/2011 18:33

Mamazon - My SIL doesn't lie overseas my sister does. My brother and SIL live over 3 hours away from myself and my parents so we only used to see him once a month at birthdays and other family celebrations. No we never understood why she asked him to choose.

She used to complain that we never made the effort to visit them (my father is too sick & old to drive so my brother visits them, always has done), so we then used to take 2 cars and drive up to visit them with myself driving my parents and my husband driving the kids. Then we were told we were too interfering because we kept coming over - they have been married 6years and we have been invited to their house twice since they got married and before the ultimatum was laid down.

OP posts:

iseeyou · 30/05/2011 18:44

If you love him then contact him and go from there, why start laying down the law I dont want this, I dont want that! Isnt the most important thing that he is holding out an olive branch. Dont be a fool and take it. Things may not be as you wish but be there for him and see if he is there for you. Thats family. Forget about the SIL and ny silliness involving her this is just about you two!!

BelleDameSansMerci · 30/05/2011 18:54

My SIL absolutely loathes me. She even threatened not to attend her own wedding if I was there. No-one in the family including (allegedly) my brother has any idea why she feels this way. I am in touch with my brother via email and he occasionally sees us when I visit my mum (not often though). It's really difficult and your brother must feel very torn. I totally understand why you would not want to be kept secret but if it's that or no contact with your brother, I think I'd be prepared to tolerate to start with and then see if you can work together to improve things.

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