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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Split up and homeless...

45 replies

squashycreech · 30/05/2011 13:02

Split up with my partner today - we live together and I have nowhere to go. I have mental health problems and without my partner's support I don't see how I am supposed to continue working. Can't go to my parents and none of my friends have space...absolutely panicking and not sure what I should do.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 30/05/2011 17:09

Honey, how about renting a room in a shared house? So you have your own space but are not totally alone?

Original poster

squashycreech · 30/05/2011 17:19

I find it hard to share with people.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 30/05/2011 17:23

BPD doesn't cause that, to be honest you sound like and Im not a doctor that you have anxiety issues.

How about moving out of London but being close enough to commute and getting a studio flat? You have said you work and if you earn below a certain amount will be entitled to some help.

The council will not house a single person though as they assume they can find their own accomodation specifically if they work, which you have said you do.

Original poster

squashycreech · 30/05/2011 17:27

Maybe BPD doesn't cause it, that doesn't mean I don't have it though does it?

Thanks for your advice.

OP posts:

Original poster

squashycreech · 30/05/2011 21:14

He won't even talk to me. :( I don't want us to break up

OP posts:

garlicbutter · 30/05/2011 22:07

Your BPD makes it hard to let someone go, doesn't it? I mean, even harder than usual. Try to be brave about it, but let yourself feel the sadness.

I'm sorry he's not talking to you. That's horrid :(

Original poster

squashycreech · 30/05/2011 22:34

I've been left so many times. I know, deep down, I'm a horrible person, that it's not BPD. Not saying this to try to get people to say "no you're not horrible." I am. I've said horrible things to him, hit him, thrown stuff at him, stopped him seeing his friends, tried to make him hit me, lied to him. It's no wonder he doesn't want to me with me. I hate myself so much.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 30/05/2011 22:37

I think you need to see a doctor so that you can get adequate medication, you suffer from anxiety issues which can be addressed with specific medication, if you were able to deal with your anxieties you might find your life improves.

You aren't a horrible person, BPD is a nightmare for someone to live with it is.

The way you are in relationships is down to your BPD it is all emotion driven.

Sometimes those with BPD decide to live a life without a partner and go it alone because it is easier.

If you get the right therapy you can get better and learn to deal with things differently.

YOu work can you not afford a room/flat outside of London then commute.

garlicbutter · 30/05/2011 22:45

Well, there's no point hating yourself. That's like answering violence with violence, isn't it? You're only going to make yourself hate you back! Much better to learn compassion for yourself. Therapy can and does help with that.

Your controlling & aggressive behaviours come from the self-loathing. That old saying is true: you can't love well until you love yourself. I don't know whether the behaviours you mention are part of BPD but they're probably, at the very least, an outcome of the conditions that led to the disorder. You CAN improve on this and, as you do, your view of the world becomes more benign. But you need proper guidance. When you see your GP, please try to lay it all on the line (get a double appointment) and stress that you need psychotherapy, not CBT.

How did you get your diagnosis?

Original poster

squashycreech · 30/05/2011 22:56

Got my diagnosis from the CMHT about a year and a half ago. You're right gb, I need to get therapy. I don't know though, every time I try to get therapy, they refuse me in the end. Never seem to get anywhere.

OP posts:

garlicbutter · 31/05/2011 00:41

You probably seem OK. I have to begin every blummin' meeting with "I know I hide my issues well ..." Thank goodness I had an intelligent GP about 2 years ago, who wrote at the top of my notes: Presents as healthy & happy. You have to listen to the words she's saying, not how she says them.
It helps a lot to write stuff down, then either give it to them or read from it.

I hope you're asleep by now! Take care, and good luck for the day.

NonnoMum · 31/05/2011 00:50

Why is your school open during half term?

Original poster

squashycreech · 31/05/2011 07:30

Because I teach EFL not in the state system.

Why do you ask?

OP posts:

Conflugenglugen · 31/05/2011 08:23

Squashy - the sad fact is that mental illness and its treatment seems to have secondary status in this country (as in many others, unfortunately). The one thing I've found that has worked for many people I know is to push, push, push for assistance, and keep on pushing. And Mind should definitely be able to help, especially to work on your behalf so that the system starts to notice you.

All the very best!

Conflug

NonnoMum · 31/05/2011 09:02

Because your employers will have a duty of care towards you and would rather you took some time off sick than risked an unwell employee taking responsibility at work.
You are a teacher, you should therefor have a half decent wage. You should also be fairly credit worthy and eligible for some sort of loan from your bank.
You have split up with your partner, which is a shame, but not the end of the world. All this talk of homelessness is a bit dramatic. Start phoning round flat shares etc and find a room to rent. You are not living under a bridge. Be strong and good luck.

Original poster

squashycreech · 31/05/2011 12:00

NonnoMum - My employers have no duty of care towards me and, no, I don't earn a decent wage. I'm paid hourly (the huge sum of £12 an hour) and do not get unpaid leave. I'm not at work today and I won't be paid. I will not be able to get a loan from the bank, I have already asked in the past. I am very much at risk of losing my job.

I'm sorry you think I'm being melodramatic, but just because I'm not living under a bridge does not mean I'm not homeless. In fact, having spoken to Shelter today, homeless is exactly what I am. I have nowhere to go, therefore I am homeless.

As I said before, my illness makes it hard for me to share a flat. I know that's hard for some to understand and they might think I'm being a baby but that's the reality of mental illness. I need my space and I need to know that I can cook and go about my business without a stranger being there.

You're right, Conflug, it's hard to get treatment and hard to push for treatment too.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 31/05/2011 12:18

my ex bpd......he had to get on when he became homeless. its always going to be with you,no cure for bpd

i'm wondering what it is that you seem to be expecting? both treatment wise and with the homeless problem?

what is it you are expecting here? or wanting?

Original poster

squashycreech · 31/05/2011 12:21

I'm sorting the homeless problem - trying to get emergency housing and then, I don't know. Seems pretty unlikely I'll be able to stay in London.

Treatment wise, no there's no cure but there is recovery. It's totally wrong to say it's impossible to treat. There are ways of managing it.

I'm leaving this thread now, have a lot of stuff to do.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 31/05/2011 12:25

well i havent said its impossible to treat....just that there is no cure

NonnoMum · 31/05/2011 23:48

well, don't know if you'll come back, but good luck with everything. Glad Shelter were useful to you. Hope you manage to keep your job, and hope you get treatment that helps.

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