going round in circles

[amverytired]

namechanger. I have a feeling this is going to be a bit confused, as I am confused and tired.
background - DH and I (and 3 young dc) have had problems in the past. He has been verbally aggressive, very critical, and pushed me around a few times. Following a period of his heavy drinking and nastiness he finally sought help in the form of therapy. Things improved dramatically however he still drinks a fair bit. Some weeks about 5 bottles of wine, other weeks much less. I become anxious whenever I feel he is starting to drink as he did before. He dismisses my worries and occasionally lies (or rather downplays) about how much he is drinking.
I have had depression for many years. It tends to be cyclical. I get into a heap, everyone rallies around, I then get a little manic for a bit (overly optimistic about how I will cope in the future), that wears off then slowly the depression creeps back. I'm taking meds and am having counselling. I've realised that what happens is that I feel I should be coping better than I am an not need all the additional support so I hide the fact that I'm getting depressed from myself and others and eventually I'm back where I started. I've also realised we need to make changes in how we handle things so that I feel more supported. This would involve DH taking more responsibility for dc at weekends (perhaps take them to one activity without me) so that I could have some time without dc to do things for myself.
I've also realised I'm afraid of bringing these things up with him as it will end up in a row. I avoid it because I don't want him to start shouting at me. I am constantly stressed about having enough money to pay for petrol, shopping as we haven't got a joint account. Small things, but they take up a lot of my mental energy.
We did have a row this weekend as I was cross by the amount he drank on friday (5 small strong beers on friday night - compared to very little in the last week or two), then he got angry for me 'punishing' him by withholding sex. I tried to explain that I can't have sex when I'm anxious/upset but it all got a bit shouty. Then I don't want to talk to him, he tries to pretend everything is normal, buys more wine and complains that I am cold (which I probably am when I'm upset). That our relationship is rubbish because we only have sex about once every 6 weeks. Ironically we had sex more often when things were really dreadful, I realise now I was doing it to stop him rowing with me. Since I've been having counselling I've felt more able to only have sex when I feel like it.
Now he's taken his wedding ring off, our eldest dc noticed and started questioning me about it.
I'm not making much sense, but I'm finding it very hard to know if this is at all salvageable. Things have improved but am I being unrealistic thinking that we can ever have a good relationship?

I'm sorry, this sounds awful. From what you say he sounds as if he wants everything his way and is unwilling to compromise. Also a bit like a child in that you are doing all the house and family management and policing his drinking. I don't think I want to say whether things can improve... It sounds unlikely but maybe someone else has experience of a positive change from this kind of scenario.

He tells me that he has had to cope with my depression for years and that I have no idea how difficult it is for him. My counsellor keeps trying to suggest to me that I feel too guilty for this. I just feel that I am responsible for things too, hence trying to make concrete change that will help me cope better in the long run. My DH then feels I am making more work for him.

He doesn't sound a very good partner in general. He is clearly an alcoholic, and is verbally and on occasions physically abusive.

Interesting that you have seen your depression is cyclical, abuse is too. Is your depression flaring up when his cycle of abuse ramps up?

Being afraid to talk in a relationship is bad enough, when you are depressed it can have catastrophic consequences.

I'm wondering if some time apart might give you some breathing space and perhaps if he goes, you depression will too.

Thats a bit mean - if you had cancer or something would he blame you for that and not help you? When did you start to suffer with depression? Might it be linked to living with someone ussupportive who drinks to much?

You are right to feel responsible to do your best - we all should, but don't feel guilty for being ill. I know I find my DHs personality quite testing at times but I did marry him and we promised that we'd work on these things. I have been teetering with depression recently for the first time in years (lots of unlucky things happening in a short space of time) and although he is normally a "feelings? what are they?" sort of man he really has tried to listen and do things and I feel like I'm coming up again. Your DH is being mega-selfish if he can't see a bit more effort will shore you up for the future.

Have you contact Al-Anon, OP? They could give you some support.

your H has a huge problem and sounds like he's shifting a lot of the blame onto you.

I agree with HH

I've been keeping my head in the sand with the alcohol I know. I just can't cope with him being hungover every morning so instead I am anxiously keeping track of every drop it feels like.
I've had depression since I was a teen (also have known dh since then) but in the 'old days' when I was not with dh it might have happened every few years. Now the cycle seems to be about 3-6 months. I'm particularly anxious about 'fixing' things now as I see what the problem is. I know I need more emotional support. It's just hard to work out how to get it. Dh does help with dc in the mornings, helps with cooking and putting dc to bed but it feels like all the other, non-practical, parts of childrearing are somehow my responsibility. All activities, homework, our eldest dc's behvioural issues are somehow just my responsibility.
I'm fed up with being told I don't do enough/any housework, that my cooking is sub-standard, that I'm cold and distant. He doesn't complain all the time, but given our history I'm overly sensitive to sighs, rolled eyes, and snide remarks about me swanning off to yoga instead of cleaning for example. These things make me stressed and then I start going into my usual catatonic state as regards intimacy, housework and all the rest.

Honey, please stop thinking you have any responsibility for your H drinking. You don't.

Please disavow yourself all all thinking that leads you to believe that if you could only do this, or perhaps manage that, that your H won't drink so much, or shout at you, or berate your every action.

As I've said elsewhere this weekend, no amount of AD, counselling, CBT, or the most there-there of woo therapy will make the slightest difference if a man is determined to mis-treat his partner. They may even encourage the treatment as it feeds into the schema that the problem lies with YOU.

No wonder you are depressed, you are LIVING WITH A TYRANT (sorry about the accidental caps there, but actually, they can stay, I want to make that point loud and clear)

He is picking and choosing which bits of the day to day he can bother to do. You say he does help, but it's his job/responsibility to be a parent too.

He has literally NO RIGHT whatsoever to roll his eyes at you for wanting to do something for yourself. The very next time he says anything about you swanning off () to do yoga instead of the cleaning, brain him with hand him the ffing hoover and a duster.

Please, when you are calm and lucid and aware of what is going on around you, ask yourself IF there is any gain for him for you to be depressed? He certainly isn't helping, he seems to be actively contributing to it, it could be that you being depressed keeps you down, subservient and obedient.

I know I am a cynical old witch, but I have seen so much and men that abuse and mis-treat seemingly have no OFF switch when it comes to using manipulation, abuse, gaslighting when it means they stay Top Dog and Head Rooster.