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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

rubbish friends?

25 replies

csemum · 29/05/2011 22:19

It's a long one...sorry!

I am 29 and have always had a lot of very close female friends. We have shared problems and before pregancy regularly met up for wine and chats etc. When I was pregnant, I got really bad anemia and was very stressed at work so to preserve my energy (and because DD was my first and I was over cautious). I didn't go out that much. Gradually little comments came through like 'oh we knew you come' or (about my anemia) 'x and I were talking and saying that it was so typical for you to get that kind of illness...'

Ever since I had my DD, I have had the distinct sense that my friends are finding me tiresome and irritating. I am not able to make it out to all the social events anymore (has included some 30th parties and engagement drinks). However, I have remembered presents, invited them to my house for champagne etc. I think they think that I am being over precious and neurotic about my DD. When I explain that I can't leave for long periods of time because I need to be around to feed her (she's 16 weeks), I get the sense that they think I'm being 'over protective.' Even thought some of these girls are really really close they have hardly met my DD. Admittedly one of them is getting married soon so she's very busy organising everything for that, but the picture I always had that she would be around to see my child grow up just isn't happening.

The thing is... it's just a 'sense' and I KNOW that I am not being over protective and that one day they'll understand (when they have kids...) but I just get this 'middle of the night' pang that I'm going to lose all my friends.

My real question is... did any of you experience this when you had your children before the rest of your friends were doing the same thing?

feel a bit blue about it :(

OP posts:
WriterofDreams · 29/05/2011 22:38

It seems to be very common unfortunately :( I've experienced something similar since I had DS 5 months ago. People who don't have kids really don't get how much life changes are babies are born. One friend of mine who's doing a PhD expected me to be free to meet for coffee any time of the day and was always surprised when I said I'd be bringing DS with me. Where the hell did he think I was going to leave him? In a cupboard? Another couple of friends of mine rang me one night at 11pm when I had been fast asleep since 8. They were surprised I was in bed, but it was totally normal for me with a newborn!

Your friends are being very unsupportive and quite judgemental. That might change when they have their own kids, but in the meantime it might be a good idea to try to go to mum and baby groups to find people who are in the same boat as you.

humptydidit · 29/05/2011 22:56

I agree with writer, you don't need to ditch these friends, probably when they have kids etc they will change too, maybe in the mean time try to meet up with some other people with babies to share that side of your life with! Smile

emsyj · 29/05/2011 23:02

Have you met many other mums in your area? If not, check out your local Children's Centre. I have met some fab new friends who are in the same boat as me by going to bf support groups, play sessions etc. They have really saved my sanity during the hardest year of my life - the first year with a baby!

I was quite lucky in a sense as many of my friends already had babies or were pregnant at the same time as me, so I didn't have that feeling of being the first one to move on. BUT I do have one very close friend who is single and I can tell that it grates on her sometimes when I can't do all the things I used to. I only stopped bf DD 2 days ago and so I haven't been on many nights out. It was my friend's birthday a couple of weeks ago and she arranged a posh dinner at a very expensive restaurant, which was very lovely but a bit of a pain given that 3 of the 4 attendees were bf and the fourth was heavily pregnant! I think she was a bit disappointed that it wasn't more 'lively'.

Am trying to say, I get where you're coming from, but things will change as more of your friends have babies. In the meantime, try and meet some other mums so you can have a baby-friendly social life!

FabbyChic · 29/05/2011 23:05

I dont think you have rubbish friends, I think the friends you had before you had a child were friends for a reason, because you could do things together, you had things in common. When your child come along, you changed, your outlook the things you were interested in. Therefore you make new friends for the new you. You cannot expect your other friends to change who they are because your life has changed.

It's why as we get older our friends change, we meet new people.

Meow75 · 30/05/2011 00:36

I agree with Fabby. It's not your friends' job or responsibility to accommodate your change in circumstances, although they are perhaps being a little unkind.

I suppose the best way to sum it up is to say that if your friends wanted their social lives to be altered by children, they'd have had them.

Don't necessarily ditch your friends, but you DO need to find some friends who are mums, and as time goes by some of your existing friends will be sure to have children and may well experience what you are now - and by that time your LO might be 5 or 10 or 15 years old, and you are more than ready for a night out with the girls, and they are at home BF'ing a 16 week old.

Don't think badly of them, they've just made different choices to you. It happens

buzzsore · 30/05/2011 10:31

I think, stay in touch, you may well want to have some nights-out in future where there's no talk of babies and such Grin. You're the one who's changed, so find new friends with common ground with you as well. If/when your current group have children as well, you'll be on the same page again. They're not rubbish, they just don't get it.

SandStorm · 30/05/2011 10:42

It's a fact of life that when you have children you will lose some friends but equally you will gain new ones. It's just the way it goes.

iseeyou · 30/05/2011 10:49

i think people who dont have kids can be incredibly shortsighted - BUT - perhaps it is something everyone does until they do have children themselves. ive had a similar situation and wondered yes but did i act like that before i had my babies.

dont get rid of your friends but expand your circle and try meet some new mummy friends. it took me a LONG time to meet good mummy friends but eventually you will if you go to similar places week in week out.

and just dont expect too much from them, dont expect them to understand how difficult life can be sometimes when you got kids. because they have no clue at the moment and its not something you can teach someone. wait till they go through it themselves.

good luck and dont take what they say to heart, if theyre really awful you got a good excuse why youre not meeting up with so often

Rubytoosday · 31/05/2011 22:37

I'd disagree that people who don't have kids can be incredibly shortsighted - I'm 35 and have none and would say many people with kids can be very shortsighted and fail to imagine what life's like for anyone else once they've had theirs ; )

It does sound like your friends haven't adapted very well to the fact that you can't go out etc. But they will or else you will find news friends as others have said, whether or not they have children - they just need to accept that you have and vice versa.

What I would say, from the perspective of someone who has no children herself but has many friends who do, is this ...

Everybody changes through life whether or not they have children. As people have said, your friends didn't choose for you to have a child nor the massive life changes that come with that.

My most valued friendships are with people who have children, as it happens, and that is because our friendship is strong enough to survive any other differences in lifestyle and because we have each made massive efforts to adapt to each other, efforts that go both ways. I go to theirs when they can't go out and they equally make the effort to stay the night with me and I cook dinner and we open a bottle of wine. They invite me to go away on camping trips with them but don't expect me to babysit. If they need me to babysit they ask nicely and respect that I am also busy and have a full life (though they know I would love kids of my own and am sad it may never happen - it's not a God-given right). But I like helping them out where I can. The kids love coming to mine and my life is richer for having them in it. Me and their parents love hearing about each others' lives, though occasionally we are jealous of each others' lives and occasionally the differences show and we fail to understand each other. But generally it works and I treasure those friendships, children and all.

I am having trouble with an old friend who has a small child and has always assumed since that everything should revolve around her and that I should make all the effort. I don't have time for that and other friends have shown me it doesn't have to be that way. Her outlook is quite narrow and selfish.

I have purposely distanced myself from other friends I once valued very much because I can't have only friends with children in my life as I would feel like I was the odd one out all the time and at one point in my late 20s/early 30s I did feel that way as it was happening all around me and it was very tough. I imagine I will reconnect with some of these old friends more when their children are older, though we will all have changed more by then, I guess.

I think the key is trying to imagine what it is like for each other and going from there. Not all friendships survive the massive changes that having children brings but you made those massive changes - your friends didn't, so be easy on them and don't assume they have more trivial lives or a lesser status or are somehow less mature just because they don't have children. We all need each other as a society and we all grow in our own ways. Some of us grow more through not having children than from just treading the well-trod path of others. It all depends on the person and I don't believe (any more) the rubbish about how having children makes you 'see the light' in a way no one else could ever understand. But of course it's a unique experience, one of many in life.

It's brilliant to have kids and be a mother (or father) and it's an incredibly important and difficult thing to be, but don't make assumptions about those of us who don't - that's my plea to any mums or dads on here.

csemum - I hope you and your friends can continue to have great times together even if it's different. Maybe it all just needs a bit of time and imagination from all sides.

bejeezus · 31/05/2011 23:02

i dont think they are necessarily rubbish and need dumping. I think Ruby makes a lot of good points;
it doesnt sound like they are being very understanding or supportive of your new motherhood and breastfeeding commitment BUT have you missed alot of important occassions of theirs? At 16 weeks old, it would not be impossible to go to a close friends engagement/ 30th party for an hour or so...

have you discussed how you feel with them? do you WANT to keep them as friends/

Bishoplyn · 31/05/2011 23:11

Ruby - as another childless person with a mixture of parent and non-parent friends, that is truly one of the best posts I've ever read on MN x

cerealqueen · 31/05/2011 23:31

Op, been there, all like you have said, its hurtful but not everybody behaves like that. Drop them an email, explain. They may not realise how all consuming the first few months are (nobody does!).
You will make new friends too and it will be a different type of friendship based on a different side of you.
Don't cut contact with these friends, its good to have friends who know you for being you and not just you as a mother.
Don't say too little about how you are taking to motherhood either, as that creates its own barriers. I made a point of not going on about DD as my friends had been clear about how irritating other people who became mumzilla were. I went too far, they had no empathy or understanding to the extent that when I had an MC, they never asked me how I was. Confused.
(Actually, I can't really forgive that).

csemum · 01/06/2011 14:23

thank you guys... a LOT of insightful and helpful comments!

OP posts:
Ungratefulchild · 01/06/2011 14:34

I had to smile when I saw your thread title :) I gave birth at 29, before my friends (most of whom still don't have kids 18 years later) and none of my them really understood what having a child meant. I think I wanted them to give me the help and support that they had always given me before (and I to them) but basically I had to adapt if I wanted to still be their friends. All of these years later I'm still in touch but none of them are that close, but that may have happened anyway.

I did think at the time that they were rubbish friends but really they weren't. My life had changed seemingly very suddenly but theirs hadn't.

lightsandshapes · 01/06/2011 14:35

sounds like your friends are probably jealous!

emsyj · 01/06/2011 14:46

Why would they be jealous, lightsandshapes??? And what does the OP say that makes you think this?? Confused

gawdonbennett · 01/06/2011 14:47

Kick them into touch.
If one day you wonder how they're getting on you can always look them up on RubbishFriendsReunited.

cumbria81 · 01/06/2011 15:00

Ruby - great post.

lightsandshapes · 01/06/2011 15:04

emsyj why else would they be so insensitive to OP and unaccommodating of her new lifestyle. their put downs such as 'it was so typical for you to get that kind of illness...' and hardly meeting the new baby suggest avoidance do to jealousy to me....

emsyj · 01/06/2011 15:45

Errrr... Lots of possible reasons. They don't get what it's like to have a baby because they don't have one. They don't like or aren't terribly interested in babies (that would certainly have applied to me when I was younger). They are a bit selfish. They are fed up with inviting the OP to events only for her (however justifiably) not to attend.

I cannot see any evidence to suggest they are jealous.

lightsandshapes · 01/06/2011 15:52

But surely you can't rule it out either? Not intersted in babies / selfish / jealous - whatever the reason, they don't sound like very nice friends to me....

emsyj · 01/06/2011 16:00

I think it sounds like the OP's life has just diverged a bit from theirs. They might meet again further down the line if/when they have children, but for the time being the OP needs to find friends who are in the same place as her.

tigercametotea · 01/06/2011 16:22

I've experienced that before and I think its a lot to do with them not understanding where you're coming from because they've never gone through it themselves yet and have no idea about the all-encompassing effect having a new baby has on a new mother's life. Also now that your life's changed there is little you have in common with your friends that you can do together... You may drift apart for a bit until your friends have a change in circumstances or when they themselves become new mums themselves, then you might find that you start having a lot more in common again and will resume contact with each other once more. When you're a new mum it might be a better idea to find new friends who are also new mums. But there's no need to dump those friends yet imo, if you've had a very strong friendship before the pregnancy - only you can decide.

Acinonyx · 01/06/2011 17:19

You go through the looking glass when you have kids. I was over 40 - and most of my friends didn't have kids and never would/wanted to. I am trying to keep in touch - but it is very difficult now I can't do the spontaneous nights out. I still get random suggestions that are hopelessly impractical. I have aquired a lot of new friends and got closer to the ones I had who had kids too. In 20 years I'l be out partying again with my zimmer frame Grin

Zanette · 01/06/2011 17:20

Great post Ruby!

I've not got any kids and I could have almost written the same post about some old school friends of mine.

We've been friends for 30 years. I moved an hour out of London, & you'dve thought I'd moved to the other side of the world. Whenever there's a lunch or dinner, it's always in London, & I always go. I understand that I'm the one that's moved so I do try to make the extra effort, but c'mon guys, give me a break. Whenever I have a party or lunch, or picnic or whatever, they always have an excuse. Two of the three have kids & I truly try to understand but surely not everytime!

I've just come to terms with the missed birthdays, no cards or texts (the worst is the lady with no kids) and whilst they'll always be my friends I'm planning to let it drift. Friendship can't be one-sided. People change and I guess you get new friends along the way, it's just a little sad so I do understand how you feel.

I'm sure that when things become more ordered you'll be able to pick up with your old friends again.

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