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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP seems to hate my relationship with my daughter.

21 replies

Epithelial · 29/05/2011 16:29

DP and I have lived together for two years, I have a 12 year old daughter who lives with us and he has a son to his ex wife who stays with us every other weekend. The problems are that DP seems to hate anything that suggests me and DD actually enjoy each other's company. He comes down on her really hard if she does anything wrong (like leaving dirty clothes on the bathroom floor after a shower) but if it's his son he just picks his stuff up for him. A few weeks ago DD said something about her accent is slightly posher than her friends as she went to London once as a toddler. I just laughed and said "yeah, maybe" as a brush away comment and DP took me aside and started going on about how ridiculous it was that I agreed with her on that and did I realise what a stupid comment it was etc. I said "she's only 12 and I didn't REALLY agree with her obviously, it was just a throw-away response" so he started going on about how there's no wonder she's "Like that" when encourage her attention seeking behaviour!! It happened again last week, she believes she has social anxiety as she gets nervous in big groups. Basically she's just a little shy but as a pre-teen she tends to blow everything out of proportion. She was begging me to take her to the doctor about this social anxiety and everytime she mentioned it DP snapped "oh for fucks sake" etc. In the end I agreed to take her to the doctor well DP flipped in a huge rage about how I always encourage her, how its disgraceful to take her to the doctor when I know there is nothing wrong with her, its feeding her hypochondria etc etc. He then reeled off TO HER about two parties she'd been to and 2 days in town with friends plus a play she was in as a main part performed infront of a hall full of parents and told her she made a mockery out of realy mental health issues and she was nothing more than an attention seeking hypochondriac. She was in flood of tears over it and I had it out with him and he said he finds her impossible to live with and I apparantly encourage it.

I don't know what to do anymore, maybe I shouldn't have agreed to take her to the doctors but he over-reacts about EVERY little thing and DD is really starting to hate him.

OP posts:

bbird1 · 29/05/2011 16:33

There is currently another thread v v similar to this Epithelial. And they all say the same to the OP - dump the wanker.

thirtysomething · 29/05/2011 16:37

Unfortunately, he sounds quite jealous of the attention she gets from you, and very childish about the way he reacts.

What happens if you challenge his attitude, or point out any parallels with his treatment of his own son? Do you get on with his DS? Could he be jealous because you get to spend loads more time with your DD than he does with his DS?

malibustac · 29/05/2011 16:38

Your daughter comes first and she will start to resent you if you allow him to keep doing this to her. He actually sounds as if he doesn't like her, what a tosser! If he finds her impossible to live with tell him to leave. How do you feel about it op?

buzzsore · 29/05/2011 16:39

If he finds her impossible to live with, he should move out. She's still your priority, and if he says things like that, then you should let him know where your main responsibility lies.

She's just a kid, and maybe she is oversensitive and a worrywart, but the way to deal with that isn't to shout at her and reduce her to tears. That will just worsen the problem. What she needs is reassurance.

He sounds like he doesn't like her at all and I wouldn't want to live with someone who didn't like my child.

It could be a personality clash, but as the adult, it's his primary responsibility to control himself.

sincitylover · 29/05/2011 16:40

it's your call if you want to take your dd to the gp about anything and none of his business.

Xales · 29/05/2011 16:43

If he finds her impossible he should move out and live elsewhere.

Or is he suggesting your kick your 12 year old daughter out and send her to live elsewhere?

If you don't do anything to protect your daughter and stop this I hope the days she hits 16 she is away out the door away from this man.

expatinscotland · 29/05/2011 16:44

And you're still with this immature, selfish wanker why?

This guy's a dicksmack, OP, to be acting this way towards a child.

There's nothing redeeming about this.

Dump him pronto for your daughter's sake - you can get rid of him, she's stuck living with him. Imagine how you'd feel, in her shoes, confused, scared trying to grow up. And your mother actually takes the word of her fuckwit boyfriend over yours.

neuroticmumof3 · 29/05/2011 16:49

I think you have a clear choice here, your DD or your DP. I don't see how you can have both of them in these circumstances. It's no wonder DD is a bit of a hypochondriac. Living with the stress of someone who doesn't like her is going to come out somewhere.

FabbyChic · 29/05/2011 17:00

Sorry but if he was with me and like that about my children I'd fuck him the fuck off out of my house.

He is jealous of the relationship you have with your daughter, feels threatened by it.

How pathetic.

perfectstorm · 29/05/2011 17:03

I'm sorry, but you know the answer.

Your child is living with someone who dislikes her. She is plainly fragile.

Who comes first? The man or your child?

That's your decision, and I'm afraid you must know it. Do you really need people here to tell you which you owe the care to?

Themumsnot · 29/05/2011 17:04

Get Rid. End of.
What do you want us to say, OP? Your priority should be your child. Your partner is horrible to her and clearly doesn't like her. If you want to make the choice to be with him in spite of this fine, but she, as you are already discovering will pay the price. Nobody can fix this situation except you.

perfectstorm · 29/05/2011 17:09

You know, on the other thread the mother seemed less aware of what was happening. She was being gaslighted, it felt like. You DO know - so why in the name of hell do you tolerate it? How can you subject your own daughter to living in a house where someone admits he dislikes her, and let it continue? Where he bullies her because she wants to see a GP over anxiety issues? Christ almighty if anyone spoke to my kid like that I'd never see them again, never mind share their bed!

Your very first duty is to your kids. Full stop. No bloody wonder your daughter is exhibiting mental health issues at 12 if she lives with a man who treats her with open, acknowledged and undisguised contempt! Do you really need to be told where this is headed in terms of her self esteem and ability to deal with life's challenges? How can you even begin to ask what you should do?

malibustac · 29/05/2011 17:15

Are you there op? I think you knew what people would say when you posted. He doesn't deserve you or your daughter. I bet you don't treat his son like this.

hairylights · 29/05/2011 17:26

DUMP him.

NanaNina · 29/05/2011 17:47

Epithileal - I think your daughter's anxiety is far more likely to be related to the way she is being treated by your D?P.....this is emotional abuse an you like many others are failing to protect her. I'm not surprised DD is starting to hate him, and she will in all probability get to hate you for allowing this situation to continue. I am a step parent and also have a son who has a step father (my DP) they are alll grown up now. I know the difficulties of step parents but there is no excuse for this. Probably your DP does resent her and is jealous of your close relationship. He can't help this (I have been in the same position with my SD and her dad, my DP) but had to sit on my feelings, which I knew were irrational, and get relief by talking to my friends about it.

Believe me it will get worse when she is in her teens. I would go over to step parenting were I you......but I think you have a choice - to stay with this man and ruin your daughter's life (possibly through her lifespan) or separate from him and continue to enjoy a close and loving relationship with your daughter.

LifeOfKate · 29/05/2011 17:57

Hi OP, hope you've not been scared off by the responses here!

I speak as someone in that situation - I was the daughter. Please please do not let this man treat her that way, it will alter your relationship with her irreversably. My mother's response to the situation was just to say that she didn't have to choose so why should she and later on constantly accused me of trying to make her choose . Your daughter will only get one childhood, please don't make those years difficult for her to live through.

JamieAgain · 29/05/2011 18:19

What the others said. He finds her irritating, does not seem to try to understand her, and does not bother to hide it. Very hard on a 12 year old to live with that

pinkstarlight · 29/05/2011 22:34

its him who sounds impossible to live with,your poor girl no wonder she feels anxious his behaviour just has to be knocking her confidence.

saffy85 · 29/05/2011 22:58

He is bullying a 12 year old. Whether it's because he's a jealous arsehole, who cares. Get rid of him. Your DD deserves to be treated better than this. No wonder she's anxious and seems to lack confidence- everything she does gets picked apart by this pathetic git her mum is shacked up with. For no reason.

Gimmeecoffee · 30/05/2011 00:33

My mums first Partner after she split with my dad was like this but not as bad, i hated him and i started to really dislike my mum, I stayed out all the time and then ended up living with my dad for 6 weeks. She eventually ended it with him when she realised what he was like and is sorry and since that day we have had a brilliant relationship.
If he is like this all the time tell him to do1 b'cause it will effect your relationship with you DD, Its horrible not feeling relaxed and comfortable in your own home.

FriedSpamButty · 30/05/2011 00:44

Dump the abusive twat. A grown man who is jealous of a 12 year old girl is bad news full stop. Your daughter deserves better. As do you. Life is too short to put up with this shite! And your daughter will never forget or forgive if you put this twat before her...

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