what would you advise a friend in this situation?

[KittySpencer]

Was having a bit of a heart to heart with a friend earlier, and although I've given her some advice am wondering if I've told her the right things...hence asking for some further opinions!

She is just turned 39, and currently has no children. She's been married before, and in a couple of other long term relationships. She did TTC with those partners, back in her 20s, but i think simply in the sense of using no contraception and seeing if anything happened - I'm fairly sure she never checked when she was ovulating etc, and I know she never had any investigations with her GP/hospital.

Anyway, she met someone a year or so ago who she's quite serious about. He's a couple of years older, also no children. They have both spoken about children and both want them. They also see each other being together long term.

So far so good. But she has told me that he made her go on the pill (because he doesn't like condoms) and doesn't seem keen to discuss moving in together let alone the children situation....

The situation doesn't fill me with confidence. I've told her that I think she needs to be honest with him about what she wants, and discuss it/talk things through but I worry (though I didnt say this to her) that another 3 years will pass, nothing will change, and her chance of having children will have gone, if its not already too late bearing in mind that she had no joy with TTC more than 15 years ago. What else can/could I say though?

I would have said the exact same thing in your position.

She must be aware of the time ticking. I can't think that there is anything else you could have said or advised.

Her choices are to hope this relationship does become more committed within a time-scale that gives her a chance of children (and knowingly run the risk it won't happen for her), look for another relationship or to look at sperm donation and try to do it alone (if having a child is her priority).

I find your choice of words about him making her go on the pill worrying - is he domineering?

I would encourage her/them to do some research on women's fertility and aging. They might both be shocked to realise how little time she has before her fertility declines significantly.

If they both want children, and especially if they think they want more than one child (with any sort of gap in between), they need to be making plans to move forward soon.

Another reason to move ahead now, is they may need time for her to get pregnant, and have a successful pregnancy - the older the woman, the more likely miscarriages will occur. Also, if there are fertility problems, they need to allow themselves time to deal with those issues.

he made her go on the pill?
I think for me that would be the end. No man would make me do anything.

Contraception should be a joint decision.

Is sh sure he really wants children- or did he just fall in with her obvious wants to get into a relationship- but has no intention of following through with having children?
Soemtimes woman say they don't want kids because they want to keep or attract a man who isn't that keen. Sometimes men do the opposite IYSWIM.

At 39 she has not time to play with. if they are serious about each other nad babies they need to be getting on with it now.

Simple answer is she needs to talk to him.

I don't think your friend needs any advice. She can make her own mind up and I am sure she is aware of the statistics on decreased fertility at her age. I would just listen and not try to advise.

She's a lovely friend but she has a tendency to be easily led by men if that makes sense - she was brought up in a very male domated household where women weren't really allowed to have opinions or do their own thing. So it's hard to say whether the pill thing was him being controlling and insisting on it, or her just thinking she has to do what a man asks - she told me that he didn't like condoms and said if they were going to have sex, she would need to go on the pill. She told me she wasn't happy about that. However what I couldn't get out of her was if she told him that - I suspect not.

As to whether he wants children, hard to say. She met him on a dating site, his profile said he wanted children, she says he has said right from the start that he was looking for someone to settle down with, marry, have kids etc. However, I think wanting children at some vague point in the future, and wanting them within a fairly short space of time from now are 2 different things, and I wonder whether he is in the former camp.

I think the issue really is- does he want to have kids with her.

As a man he can have kids for another 30 years or more, biologically.

She needs to be ruthless if she really wants kids.

She needs to ask him outright what he thinks about their future- or go with the flow of the relationship and accept that if and when he commits further it may be too late to have babies- with him or anyone.

you're right - time is an issue for her but not for him.

I don't think she has ever thought that she might not have children at some point :( But time is definitely running out.

"I don't think she has ever thought that she might not have children at some point "

She is 39, I can assure you that she has.

FattyAcid, I've known her since primary school, and I think know her well enough by now to be fairly certain she hasn't thought it might not happen. She's just not someone who thinks deeply about things (as in all the potential outcomes), or looks on a situation from other than an optimistic perspective.

How deeply do you have to think to realise that fertility declines after 35 and your chances of being PG aged 40+ are rather low?

Maybe she is not so keen on a baby as you think- if she were surely she would have researched the stats etc?

Maybe your friend just feels differently to you about the subject of kids. For some people its a bright burning desire, for others a nice progression if and when the relationship is right, and all shades in between.