Please help! my dad has just told my mum he doesn't want her anymore. I don't know what to do :(

[GilbertsGrapes]

Title says it all really.

She is still after 32 years together hopelessly in love with him. She has given her life to him through his 22 years in the army, raised myself and my brother and has done nothing but love him and take care of him. How the fuck could this fucker do this to my lovely mother

I don't know how to help. Shes packing her things as we speak.

Maybe suggest that she should hold off, while he does some packing!!!

Your poor Mum and poor you. Obviously you want to help and be there for her, but you must get some support for yourself. Do you have any close friends or family?

Why is she the one leaving?

Oh dear. All you can do is be there for her.

Thanks for replying.

She is devestated. He's one of those men where everyone on the outside thinks he's perfect, yet inside closed doors he's an asshole. He never did anything with my brother and I as children, such as play games, read or anything.

My mum gave up her life to him. She always had to do crappy jobs so he could progress in his army career, she has had to worry about where our next meal is going to come from due to by dad being a fuck witted spoilt bastard.

I just gave him a few choice words, which no one has ever had the balls to do. He just stood there saying "whatever" I mean for heavens sake my 4 year old could say something better in return. He's a pathetic coward. I am heartbroken for my mum.

My brother is with her at present. He just phoned and she's cleaning madly.

poor mum...

why is your mum leaving though, and not him?

He sounds like a twat, but it doesn't seem like there's much you can do, except to be there to help your mum get back on her feet.

Maybe, once some time has elapsed, she may realise how much better off she is without him. and be able to live her life for herself and not him.
But I know that is impossible for her to see at the moment.

If your father has made up his mind then the only real thing you can do is offer emotional support and make sure your mum gets a really really good divorce lawyer.

I assume he has another woman?

I also agree he should move out, not her, but he probably knows he can bully her into anything.

Tell her to keep packing, but to pack his stuff and tell him to leave.

Your broither should stay if he can and get the locks changed as soon as your dad leaves. My guess is he will kick up a fuss because he knows that by leaving he is forfeiting much of his rights to the family home.

I would say your dad has probably felt like this for some time and feels entitled. Yes he may well have anotehr woman. A lot of men only seem to move on when they have anotehr woman a reason too.

He needs to see that you and your brother don't support him and that he is the one that needs to leave. If he refuses call the police and ask them to remove him perhaps.

Well accourding to my brother she has said that he will be leaving. I have told her for a number of years to get rid of him. She's been like a live in maid for the past couple of years. He hasn't touched her for this length of time.

I said the same thing regarding another woman to my brother. I too think he has, my mum has mentioned it to me a couple of times over the last couple of years too.

When he realised he didn't want her he should have just fuckin said there and then. He disgusts me.

She's had a very shitty life, childhood abuse, foster homes, lost both aunt who raised her and her dad young, husband who has never been there. She's always got through it though. She decided to start fostering hard to place children for the past eleven years, she's going to have to give this up too.

I hate to sound cold, but if he doesn't care and has someone else he will screw her over financially in a heartbeat. After a long marriage, 2 kids and a career for him that obviously made her building one tricksy, I imagine she'd be what they call a fully entitled spouse - meaning she's owed a share of his pension, a share of the house, and (unless a huge amount has changed in the past 10 years, which is always very possible) spousal maintenance while he still works as well, if she can't get work herself. She should stay put in the house at all costs until she's taken legal advice. Given it's Sunday maybe post over on Legal and get some quick pointers?

She has good kids, and that has to be a support. Hang on in there, and I'm so sorry.

I'd have thought if she might be able to keep fostering? If she keeps her home. I don't know, of course, but she must have a good record with them and may still be able to alone?

If not, she can mentor or work with disadvantaged children through charities like Barnardos. Don't let her think everything has to end because the relationship is ending.

Why would she have to give up the fostering? If she keeps the house and gets an okay financial settlement? Single people can foster, surely? And aren't they always short of experienced and committed fosterparents, especially with hard to place kids?

your mum is proberbly terrified!, i would imagine that 32 years is now most of her life, right now its proberbly all she can think of, change after all this time can be so frightening!

you say she has had a shitty life so far, thats awful but given time she can make a damn sight better life for herself now she is free of being housekeeper to your father - just be there for her!, support her and her decisions, give her some thinking space and some space to howl with anguish (she will!) give her time, space, support, love and caring and she will come through the otherside - she is tougher than she realises right now, after all, this is the woman who bought you up with little or no help from her husband, who coped with 22 years of army life and all that goes with it and was still strong enough to think about others amd and take on caring for them!

time and love - thats what she needs!