Advice for a lady friend in need

[ineedabodytransplant]

Hello again all. Long post alert

I am back, with a new outlook on life. I last posted back in October, spent too much time feeling sorry for myself it seems, and I felt that something needed to be done. I wrote a kind of diary for a few weeks and immediately noticed that I was causing most, if not all, of the supposed problems I felt were weighing down on me. I hadn?t realised how much I was drinking for a start! I would sit down alone in the evening, so a glass of wine was my company. After completing the diary I saw I was drinking at least a bottle of wine in an evening, and in a few instances two bottles! Added to the occasional Jack Daniels or a beer, it was a significant amount. I realised then that my wallowing in self-pity, with the odd clear and lucid period, was being driven by drink. Ok, the other part of my life was the same, but at least I could try and sort one part out to start with. I completed a weight management programme, I have been going to keep fit every week so at least I feel physically fine, and the mental side I am working on..

Right, although the situation with my married life is the same, that isn?t why I have come back. Please don?t immediately jump to any conclusions before you read the story. If you read the story that is, of course.

I know a lady, who I only met recently. It?s nothing apart from being friends, although if something was to eventually occur I wouldn?t run away. She is a very warm hearted lady, attractive, and great to talk to. What I wanted to do was tell her story, and ask for advice in how I can help her. I couldn?t believe how much crap could be dumped on one person. Especially on someone who is a good person.

She was brought up in foster homes from the age of 4 because her parents were alcoholic, spent her teens being passed backwards and forwards between different families. She got married at 22 to a man who seemed good, but who eventually turned out to be a control freak and wife beater. She suffered 16 years of abuse at the hands of the barsteward, being beated almost daily. Eventually with the help of the Police, and a safe house she got away. He is now banned from the county she lives in. She lives in rented accommodation with her 16 year old son. He smokes cannabis, regularly in trouble with the police for drugs and theft. She is a care worker now, but only part time and her income isn?t good. Something has been worrying her the last few weeks, but she wouldn?t say what. Turns out she couldn?t afford her rent as car repairs had taken all her money(she needs the car for her work) and she was terrified of being homeless again after all these years. She did show me her account balance after much persuasion.

I don?t want her to feel like a charity case, but I want to help. I have sorted her rent out for the next three months to give her a breathing space. Filled her car with fuel and took her shopping so her cupboards aren?t bare. She didn?t want me to spend money on her, so I told her she we could worry about the money at a later date.( I won?t)

I have taken her for a couple of meals, and for a few drives, just to get her out. We get on really well, she is great to sit and talk to, and she helps me by giving me someone to look after, care for. It gives me pleasure that I can help another human but I don?t want to come across as patronising. We do talk, email and text daily, nothing too personal, just how are you? What you doing today? Etc. The only physical contact is the occassional hug on greeting saying goodbye)

Can anyone tell me if I am doing the right thing? She smiles more now, and I want that to continue.

Can anyone advise me what I can do for her now? Really I suppose her best bet would to be if she could meet someone who could care for her, protect her, and give her a good life. I have told her I will still be there for her if she meets someone, but is this right? I have suggested maybe evening classes as well to meet more people

I would appreciate any advice at all

hello'Really I suppose her best bet would to be if she could meet someone who could care for her, protect her, and give her a good life.'

Er... no it isn't. That's a very outdated view and it IS patronising to her and all women.

Waiting for the knight in shining armour to drop by is the worst she could do and having you do the rescuing in the meantime in what seems for you to be very close to an emotional affair isn't helping her. You're very honest in that you acknowledge what you're gaining but are you really being fair to her by giving her this emotional 'crutch'?

She should concentrate on securing her future for and by herself. By taking a second or another job, making sure she's getting all the benefits she's entitled to and by learning how to be the strong, independent woman she truly is.

I think you seem confused over whether you want to help her as a platonic friend, or as a potential partner.

Are you married?

If you are purely friends, treat her as you would any friend of either sex. help her out, but help her be independent too. This may mean encouraging her to meet other people- but not " match making"- ie a man.

That's down to her and what she wants.

Hi, INABT, I remember you

I am glad you are in a better place than a few months ago wrt to the negativity and drinking

I think you are playing a dangerous game here though, and you need to be more honest with yourself. You seem to see yourself as a knight on a white charger and "rescuer" to this lady. You are supporting her financially and are far too involved with her life.

One question for you...does your wife know you are paying her rent, giving her money and taking her out ? Do these social occasions involve your wife ? Why can't your wife help with al these things ?

Because if the answer is no, then I can see where this may lead as you appear to be a very naive and romantic person, which sometimes can lead you into all sorts of trouble.

If you want to help her, then the best thing you can do is show her how to be independent.

She doesn't have young children so there is no reason for her to work only part time. She needs either to increase her hours in her current job, or try to find other part time work to supplement her income. If her son is 16, presumably any benefits she receives for him have ended/will end shortly (as he will be classed as an adult not a child), so she needs to find a way to improve her financial position.

That is the key for her, not having someone to 'look after' her. Frankly that's the last thing she needs. Not being independent - financially or otherwise - will leave her easy prey to abusive men like her ExH, because they know she would be relying on them, and feel unable to leave if things went wrong.

Well you've made it clear on here that you would jump at the chance to be with her, do you think she would be remotely interested if you weren't providing financially?

I take it your wife knows all about the finances, meals out and little drives?

You are basically having an affair, whether or not you have slept with her.

You need to either sort out your marriage or end it, at best this woman is in desperate times and you have helped out, but feels she must repay you by spending time with you, at worst she is taking you for a mug.

Would you pay her rent, take her shopping and chat to her over dinner if she was 80 years old and had a moustache? Would you go to that much trouble to put a smile on the face of your best male friend?

It's not really an affair yet- it is possible to be kind to another person, help them out in many ways and think "If I wasn't married, who knows..." but not take it any further.

But you are in danger of creating dependency and maaybe making her feel beholden to you. if shehas issues with confidence and self esteem then she is vulnerable.

Maybe put some of your money towards some personal development coaching for her, or some counselling if you really want to help her?

I think you could also consider finding other outlets for your altruistic side- there are loads of voluntary organisations crying out for help where there would be clear boundaries over your involvement- but you would feel useful and wanted to.

Be clear about what you are getting out of this current good samaritan role- not just what she is getting from it.

keynesian, sorry not meaning to patronise at all. As an 'older' bloke who lets ladies go first, opens doors etc perhaps my wording was wrong. For that I apologise.

strawberry jelly, I previously posted endlessly about my marital situation. Since I managed to sort my head out, my marriage has also been sorted. I always wanted to stick to my vows at the expense of all else. My wife and I had long discussions and we have agreed that seperation and ultimately divorce are the best for both of us. Took us a long time to write off 35 years of marriage. We agreed that we don't want to look back in another 20 or so and say if only.

Hi AF, bit different now. Yes, my wife is aware that I am helping a lady friend out. Our money has been seperated apart from the usual joint requirements

looking foxy, I think the words 'jump at the chance' are slightly different to I wouldn't run away.{wink}

to all, I am know at the moment I am being a crutch, in that in the short term she needs a crutch. I have given her a breathing space, nothing else, so she can sort her life out. Not match making, just suggesting that meeting more people, rather than staying in all the time, might help.

I don't want her becoming dependant on me, that is not going to help her at all, I know that. I have even begun to reduce the texts/emails and phone calls. Strangely enough with reference to my old posst, I am not thinking of romance/intimancy because I don't want her to feel that I am only helping her for ulterior motives. Ok, it makes me feel good to make someone happy after all this time then perhaps yes I am getting a reward. I am human after all.

And annie getyourgun, yes I would like to think that if a 80 year old was sat in her car crying because she couldn't pay her rent then I would be human and man enough to help her also. And I doubt I would get the ulterior responses then...{smile}

To all, thank you for answering. If anyone else can suggest ways to help her do her own thing then I am willing to listen.

Instead of these intimate dinners and drives, encourage her to take a course, take up a hobby or build a social network of her own. Maybe you have a joint interest you could suggest which would benefit you both.

But, you're getting yourself a nice little rescue project here and while you may think you've got a handle on your own problems, you may be putting your energies into this fixer-upper as an avoidance thing.

Please don't call her a 'lady friend'. It is really skin crawly.

INABT, in the nicest possible way, you sound a little bit like a romantic old fool (although probably about the same as me ), and vulnerable to being taken advantage of

please stop bankrolling this woman, that is no way to help her become more independent

she should visit the CAB (alone...you are not her partner), look on entitled.com to make sure she is getting any benefits she is entitled to and to stop leaning on you so much

having remenbered all your old threads about your marriage, I do think that dissolving it as amicably as you can is the right thing to do

however, make sure you are looking to our own needs, not as a rescuer/knight in shining armour but as a newly single man who really shouldn't be getting in too deep somewhere else and creating another complex and difficult situation

I think you still need to be clearer as to your self interest.

Your post says that if sh e intiated anything you wouldn't run away.

what do you mean? If she is not a potential romantic interest then why say that?

If this is a recent friendship, you seem quite deeply involved.

Is there a big age gap? If you have been married for 35 years then I reckon you must be late 50s at least and she maybe is 40s most?

It's hard for anyone to say what would help her because it depends on what she wants. does she want a career? does she want to re-train? or does she just need a job that pays more?

I wonder too how she feels about you being so generous? I do find it slightly odd that a near stranger- new friend, offers topay rent for 3 months and showers so much interest on her.

has she no girl friends of her own?

buzzsore, they are hardly intimate dinners unless Wetherspoons has changed. And the drives consist of trips to the shops. I am trying to be a friend and considering her past problems I don't think she would appreciate being somewhere private or secluded alone with a man she has known a short while. She needs to be able to trust again I think, so that is soemthing she does need to do herself.

We do have interests in common, but that puts me in the picture again, which I am trying to avoid. I have already said in my original post that I thought evening classes would be a good idea. That way she can meet people. I don't want her thinking that whatever she wants to do I will be there. I hardly think of her as a rescue project, now that I do find insulting. All I want is that she can find her feet, and her confidence and move on. Whether I am there or not is beside the point.

And slambang, sorry 'my friend'. happy?

Sorry you find it insulting, but it's what it sounds like.

It doesn't sound like a balanced friendship at any rate.

Oh well, guess I can't do right for doing wrong, eh?

Who said anything about balance? I am able to help her for a while, and once she has managed to get her life in an order that suits her, I am sensible enough and old enough to back off if necessary. I do I am aware that she is in a vulnerable position ,and considering how I was raised, I aim to be supportive if needed. Hopefully, that won't be necessary.

Anyway, thanks for your opinion. Although I may not agree I can at least take it on board.

Besides this is all new to me anyway

what is new to you ?

sorry AF, trying to help someone and being told I am getting it all wrong. I assumed, wrongly it seems, that you did what you could to help someone in need, someone less fortunate. Whether it's a he or a she, 20 or 80(with or without a moustache)

It never occurred to me that I could be creating more problems.

nobody said you were getting it all wrong but that you should really examine your motives

that is sensible in any other scenario, just like this one

it's nice you are concerned

it seems like too much though, and I think you are very vulnerable to getting yourself in a bit of a pickle

I think unless you make it clear to her , she is in danger of thinking you are trying to date her. I can just see her posting on a forum saying

" I have met this lovely kind man who is about to leave his marraige. he has paid my rent for 3 months, gives me lifts, takes me out for meals...but so far he has not done anything except give me a hug. I can tell he really likes me, but is he really interested in me? I am so confused".

yes?

my cynical side says another possible MN post would be..

"this gullible chap has been paying my rent and taking me out, I think he wants more but I want to tell him to get lost nicely now I've got what I need from him..."

cue...more heartbreak for OP (and seriously out of pocket...3 months rent is a lot of money)

strawberryjelly, I can see the dangers now. Suppose I didn't really look at things that way. Dating her isn't on my mind, even though the flippant comment that I wouldn't run away seems trite now.

I am concerned, and I am going to ease away. Luckily I have to go away for the next week with work. Communication was going to be difficult anyway, so it hopefully will help.

AF, cynical? Never...

Thanks for the advice