Relationships

[Cakeonsaturday]

I'm 44 and found out that my dad may not be my biological father - where do I go with this?

Jeremy Kyle?

Haha not funny thanks

do you have any idea who might be?

can you have dna tests to check if your 'dad' is or isn't. I would start there.

paternity testing £99

Hi , it all came out in a family row a year ago. I've always had a bad relationship with my father,he was very domineering and a bit of a bully but certainly not the worst parent in the world. My mother confessed that she was not sure who my father was ( it was the 1960s afterall!). The most upsetting thing is that she said he has taunted her with this uncertainty thro'out their marriage - unbeknown to me -it must have been done when I wasn't around.At first she suggested we all have DNA testing just to find out the truth and shut him up. That was a year ago and now she doesn't want to even talk about it anymore- it's like we never had that conversation they seem to want tocompletely forget about it. I however feel that I owe it to my 2 dcs to know if their grandfather is infact their grandfather. WWYD ?

I'd have a dna test.

You may find it helpful to do the DNA test (about £99 online) just to clear things up and for your DC to know their genetic inheritance (which may be important in terms of health).

However, if you don't actually have another candidate in mind, it's not going to make that much difference is it. Your 'father' sounds like a bit of a bully to be honest, but he is the one who has been there for the last 44 years and brought you up, so he is your father in every sense apart from biology. The fact that he's not necessarily a nice man is no different for you than it is for anyone whose biological parent is a bit of a twat.

I'm taking it you don't have any physical similarities to him (or your DC don't)? My friend's DD is often denied by her bio father who says she's not his, but the resemblance between the two of them and her half sister is so striking anyone with a iota of common sense can see that a DNA test would be a complete waste of time.

Hi sunshine , well there are some similarities but they're not striking. I suppose what's making me most upset and angry is not the uncertainty of not knowing in itself but the fact that my mother thinks it's fine to let me brood on this for the rest of my life!

As big a shock as it must have been to you, I think this is really an issue between your parents. It will be different if your mother knows who else it might be - and if you then want to trace him and ask him for a DNA test - because that could be helpful in terms of health knowledge. It doesn't sound likely to work out that way, though, so you're in exactly the same position as millions of others whose parentage is unsure (usually without knowing).

Your father sounds like a bully. Presumably your mum told you this after he'd been harassing her about it, hoping a test would stop his complaints. I feel very sorry for you and your mother - the man clearly has massive double standards! I bet he'd find some other way to put her down, though ...

She hasn't been unfair, except in the sense that she's now shared her burden with you. DNA hadn't even been discovered when you were born, so paternity was all about probability and blood groups.

Hi garlicbutter, I guess deep down I feel that my mother knows the real answer - perhaps that's why after the dust settled after the row a yr ago , she backtracked and didnt want to even talk about it anymore. I have tried to bring the subject up before but she got very upset and closed the subject down. I just feel that if she knows the answer then she owes it to me to tell me. Any ideas how to broach this?

I must admit I'm unconvinced it's a good idea. The only way you'd get a real gain from it is if she can tell you exactly who - and you then hunt him down and ask for the test. Think of the havoc that could wreak!

Are you sure this isn't more about your shock - at finding your parents' marriage is not what you thought - than the actual facts? It might be a good idea to talk this over some more, perhaps with friends and/or a counsellor, perhaps with an aunt or uncle who knows your parents well.

My dad was certain I wasn't his child - the idea's ridiculous, my siblings and I looked like a matched set of Russian dolls! - but he wouldn't have gone for a DNA test. The issue was all in his head; he tormented my mother with it, and used it as his 'excuse' for scapegoating me. People can be really weird.

If it continues to bother you, how about asking your father to agree to a test?

You have spoken really good sense thanks! I'm not interested in tracing any alternative father ,if there is one. Its just that I want to put the uncertainty to rest I suppose

Thank you, Cake, I'm relieved - was worried in case you thought I hadn't taken your concern seriously enough. I hope you find the right people to talk with in real life; surprises like this can play on your mind unless you're able to explore them out loud. Good luck with it :)