I think, mentally - it's over

[HeartBurnQueen]

DP and I have tons of bad history between us, lying, deceit, backstabbing and hypocrisy and we did break up. He moved out. But after a while we kind of patched things up and we got back togther but felt it best that we stay living apart for the kid's sake.
Things have been ok since, no arguments, he's treated me well, we go out etc etc - it's all good.

However, yesterday someone asked me what went on with DP and I in the past and I began reeling off the many stories of when he'd blatently lied to my face, laughed about me behind my back, tried to pull another girl at work a week after he moved out of here buying her expensive presents and bombarding her with texts - my friend was like "jesus, if he'd been my DP i'd have kicked him to the kerb and never want to see him again! you're so forgiving!"

But I'm not. I know deep down I DONT forgive him at all. I sometimes sit here seething about the shit he did whilst we were together. And more importantly, I don't trust him at all. I know his email passwords and check his email religiously every day for signs of deceit. I check his phone history online to see if he's textting his ex wife or that woman from work. The stupid thing is, when I find nothing - I automatically assume he has a secret phone/email address! The likelyhood of his simply not doing anything wrong and being honest seems to be the most unlikely thing in my concience.

Last night I had a dream in which he was shagging another woman as well as me and I knew about it and was pretending to be ok with it. I asked him at one point in the dream - "if you're shagging two people, how can I be sure I won't catch anything?" and to cut it short, I ended up giving him the ultimatum "you either stop or we're over" and his reaction was "what I use a condom with her?"

It WAS only a dream but I woke up LIVID with him! how silly is that?! but I honestly think it was my mind telling me if he WAS shagging around, I'd never know.

He hasn't done anything wrong lately. He spent hours doing my garden the other day, did DIY for me in the house, texts me all the time, takes me out, buys me chocolates etc - he's doing everything RIGHT but I know deep down I'll never forgive him and I'll never trust him.

I don't know what to do :( do I end it or let it fizzle out naturally?? Do i work on my trust issues and try and give him another chance??

If you think you can never forgive him and will never trust him again then I don't know what the benefit would be in letting it fizzle out? No confrontation? It sounds like you have done this before and this is why you have so much anger towards him about the horrible horrible things he has done to you. Its a waste of your time to let it fizzle out and would repress even more feelings about him. Think of all the time and energy you have wasted on this person who has no regard for your feelings - even your dreams are telling you the truth about him! If you are as certain as you can be about separating (you'll never be 100%) then do it now. Otherwise you will be in the same position in 5 years time with 5 times more anger and be 5 years older! If someone has hurt you badly and repeatedly in the past then I am not sure you can trust him again - and possibly for good reason. The level of anger you are carrying with you at all times must be like carrying a sack of potatoes on your back - think how good you'll feel when you take it off!

Heartburnqueen - have you thought of counselling? Even if you don't sty together it will help you find some peace of mind.

Msfish, yes I have, I'd love to but I don't know how to go about it.

Argh - I totally see what you mean, it does seem like I'm wasting tons of time of someone who I know will never be the one for me. To be honest, I think a lot of me checkin emails/phone etc is me looking for something bad - to give me a solid excuse to finish it.

I think Msfish is right about the counselling. I know it's not necessarily the most appealing prospect but it might help you to find a way through this - if you want to. That may be the most important point actually - do you want him?

Also, I know for a fact if I ended it with him today, he'd be looking for someone else by Monday. He'd either start trying it on with the girl from work again or he'd get himself straight on a dating site like last time.

You got back together after some bad history - and since then everything has been good. Then someone tells you they would have dealt with things differently. He doesn't seem to need to change so long as he continues as he has done since you got back together. Trust does take a long time to rebuild but so far he seems to be doing ok - I would be inclined to respect that a bit more than what a friend might have theoretically done.

OP I am at your P's behaviour towards you and I think your last post answers your own question. If he really would get himself a new GF within a few days then I'm sorry but he has no respect or real depth of feeling towards you.

IT's admirable that you've tried to make it work for your DC's sake, and you're obviously a very big-hearted person for even trying to forgive him, but you are seriously flogging a dead horse here. He sounds horrible and I'd actually be a bit worried about your self esteem if you had managed to forgive him so easily. Forgiveness is great, but some transgressions need to be result in a whole load of emotions way before forgiveness is considered. Anger is a very healthy emotion for you under the circumstances I'd say - it's absolutely the right reaction to someone shitting on you from a great height and expecting you to just suck it up!

I think counselling for yourself only would be a very good idea. Relate (they don't always see couples) or your GP will be able to point you in the right direction. If you don't want to pay you will probably have to wait some time, but even paid for counselling isn't that expensive from some sources, and many operate a sliding scale of fees depending on income.

Good luck.

if you do go for counselling, there should be some free options, like with Relate www.relate.org.uk - but there might be a waiting list - look in the yellow pages or ask your GP. You need to make sure who ever you see is properly accredited and the most important thing to remember is that you have to have a good relationship with the counsellor, whatever style they practice - if you don't have that relationship, it just wont work.

Your dream wasn't silly. It highlighted the way you feel about your relationship: you weren't a 'couple' in the dream, you had to share him and were pretending to be OK about it. You felt you needed a 'reason' to ask him to commit with you (to not have sex with the 3rd party, in your dream) but he overcame that (offering to use condoms).

In reality, you don't need any reasons beyond your own discomfort. If you're not happy - and you don't sound it - then change things. Talking to a counsellor, maybe Relate on your own, should help you sort out your feelings.

FWIW, I think your feelings are plain to everyone here, as they were to your friend. You're still scrabbling for 'reasons' to accept the status quo, this time you're saying "He'll find someone else" ... to which I say "So what?"
But you seem understandably doubtful of your own feelings, so counselling may help with that.

the fact you are sure he would e straight into someone else's knckers, and he probably even has that "special someone" allready lined up, would make me think it couldn't work

you clearly can't trust him and it seems like you never could

his cruelty during your "off" phases speaks volumes

no amount of gardening and Dairy Milk could make up for that, I am afaraid

You don't need a 'solid excuse' to end it - you have one (or more) already - you're not happy, you don't trust him anymore and you don't think you ever can again.

Believe me, those are more than enough. They are solid reasons.

Your friend could identify how bad it's been for you. People would understand, (if you're afraid of being the 'bad guy') if they knew what had gone on. Being the one to end it is scary, but the life you're living sounds untenable.