please can you help me work through some stuff?

[bejeezus]

There seem to be some forthright and wise women on here and id really appreciate your input;

I have been with my husband for 10 years. Realising that he is emotionally abusive, living with his alcoholism and finally arriving at a place where I am separating from him has taken me on a bit of a journey. I?m pretty sure it is meant to be a journey of self discovery but actually-far from it. I?ve put together my past but can?t make head nor tail of it; and I?m pretty sure I need to in order to have a more peaceful future;

I was with my 1st serious boyfriend for 3 years from age 15. It was a healthy and respectful relationship (except he cheated on me once and I got an STD-so maybe not huh?) I think he probably tried to be a little controlling towards the end, but nothing that was too remarkable at the time. He ended it, I was devastated. But young...and quickly involved with...

I was with BF2 for 2 years and we were very very much in love. We had a great time and he had alot of influence on my life. I ended it because I fell out of love with him for no real reason. Not long after we finished we were both staying at a mutual friends house. He tried it on with me and I turned him down. He hit me and forced himself on me. That night I was scared and shocked but quickly recovered. I wasn?t too phased by it at the time and it wasn?t until years later I realised I had been raped .
I only had 1 other serious relationship until I met my husband. There were long periods where I wasn?t with anyone. I had some uncomfortable one night stands; I was not very relaxed about sex and very self conscious about my body. I never seemed to be attracted to the men who were attracted to me and vice-versa.

In recent years I have learned that my first boyfriend is a recovering addict-attends AA and NA and my 2nd boyfriend has died of heroin. So 3 of the 4 men that I have loved are addicts (i don?t know that the 4th isn?t!). I always thought that women who went out with addicts were themselves addicted to the drama. But, my first 2 BFs weren?t addicts whilst I was with them-there was no drama. And I certainly have not enjoyed the drama with my husband!

My mum and dad are happily married in a functional and healthy relationship-neither are addicts and I had a happy childhood.

What is it with me? Clearly I am not normal am I but I just can?t work out what is wrong with me

Thanks for reading

nothing wrong- just bad luck

maybe you are just one independant lady and without realising it you are attracte to men who have issues going on?
Or maybe due to the fact you were in a 10 year relationship you became used to his charateristics and subconsiously look for the same traits in other men??

Interesting that you fell out of love with what seemed like a nice boyfriend for no apparent reason, then he did that to you which proved he was not nice at all. Maybe your instincts work better than you give them credit for.

What Annie said. I can't imagine the capability to hit and rape you came out of nowhere .

I don't know if you're doing any counselling, but it might be a good idea, especially through someone like Women's Aid?

There's nothing wrong with you, but your experiences have been really awful and perhaps your now-ex was the culmination of several relationships that sort of groomed you to accept appalling treatment.

Well, for one thing, what is a normal and healthy relationship. One where people don't have problems or one where people do? I think that there can't possibly be any such thing as a problem free relationship so if you are berating yourself for being attracted to people with problems don't. We all manifest our problems in different ways, some people get addicted to something, some people get depressed. Some people remain in complete denial all their lives and run away. Don't hold yourself responsible for the problems that affected your past boyfriends or think that there must be something wrong with you. Even if you are attracted to people who need 'fixing' what's wrong with that? Lots of us are. It sounds like the main thing is looking after yourself though and making sure that you have dealt with the trauma of being raped, even if it was a past boyfriend, that doesn't make it any less traumatic and it must have had a terrible effect on your self-esteem, especially if you feel self-conscious about sex now. It sounds like you need to stop beating yourself up about things and try to start forgiving yourself too.

I'm not sure what emotions you were working through by forming relationships with emotionally abusive men (if indeed that is what you were doing). But maybe it is connected to your own feelings of self worth and value. Now that you are thinking of separating from your husband, make sure you look after yourself. See if you can get some counselling to explore some of your past difficulties and then move on. You need to start enjoying your life with your children and who knows what will happen from there. Be strong. You will make it and I'm sure your husband will be ok too.