Really struggling - family (not direct e.g. Husband and kids) needs some advice ?

[SAIRn3]

Hiya
Really struggling - need some advice - not sure if this is the right forum ?
This may sound odd, but I need some advise, that I am not going crazy. Since I was little my Mum has always put my Dad down, complaining about his ways, what he does, what she does not like about him. Its not just him either, its her 'used' to be her In Laws, her Sister, Brother - Daughter etc etc. Its never her. I have listened and listened to her moaning and complaining. At the end of the day, Dad is Dad, if she is not happy do something about it. She does'nt really enjoy her job and moaned for years to me instead of doing something about it !! I sick of listening to same old record. You can't talk to her, advise - nothing, if you do, she says ''you are being irrational'' or just does'nt take on your advise - and carrys on moaning
Its getting gradually worse, I have had this emotional baggage now (well i'm 36) its really getting me down, I have a family of my own. Is it wrong to think this - should I focus on my family - or am i just being irrational ?
Alot of other things have happened recently, berevement, addiction with other family members and its just getting too much, Mum just does not stop complaining about everyone, its never her doing, no one is allowed a voice, opinion - nothing - its getting really exhausting
There is obviously alot more going off here - this is just a 'snippet' i would love anyones comments xx
Sorry for waffling on.... just hoping I am not cracking up xxx

I would tell you that it is none of your business now that you have a life of your own. When parents have a kid that leaves the nest, things either get better or worse. I think if you have a conversation with your Mom, just mention that you have noticed she could talk better to Dad, or of Dad. That's all you can do, except for inviting Dad for a visit. But that may just get your Mom mad, if she is not invited. This is THEIR relationship and you are NOT responsible for it, no matter how bad you may feel (even though feeling bad would be a normal reaction). And, if your Mom complains to you about things, cut her off by saying you are not interested in getting involved. Advise that you love her but you are not her sounding board as you have your own family to handle.

Your situation seems quite similar to mine, and it does effect your life later on, and of course it would. I do have to tell myself not to get involved in my mums relationship, but its difficult when she is attacking (in a passive aggressive manner) people i love. worse, i found i started being the same in my relationship and that was one of the triggers for leaving, i just couldn't turn into such a negative person. The thing that finally made me talk to my mum about it was when she started saying negative things about men (her favourite topic) in front of my sons! I told her that of course they will be men soon and they will think she is talking about them! She adores my sons and so eased up a bit but its like an automatic stand for her. Well, she continues to be horrid to my dad, and he continues to take it and that's where i have backed out. It so complicated in a way but in another way, i just leave the room, ignore it, passive i know but i have said my bit and as the others say, the rest is up to them. Try to concentrate on your family and on not becoming the same!! I find this very difficult sometimes!

If she says something negative about someone you love, reply with something positive about them. If she carries on, say "I love that person, don't say horrid things about them in front of me please". If she tells you that is irrational, leave.

If she is just complaining generally I'd go with Lifechanger's suggestion.

But basically, you don't have to take this. Would you put up with it from a friend?

Tell her to stop. If she won't, leave (or ask her to leave). Make it very clear. She'll either stop doing it, or you won't see so much of her, which doesn't sound like it would be a big problem.

Easier said than done when you've had a lifetime of it, I know!

My mother is similar but not as bad as yours. She loves to find the negative in everybody and have a moan about them (especially about how useless men are, like with your M) and constantly talks about her aches and pains and illnesses (which are non-existent IMO...). It used to drive me nuts until the point where I just stopped listening. I would literally put a very bored look on my face and walk out of the room. It was like dealing with a toddler tantrum, in a way .

After a while she stopped moaning to me (as much), but apparently my siblings now get a bigger dose of it than they used to!

I think people like your mother have to moan to someone - because quite often their lives are quite empty and dull and it's their only hobby! I would try my approach, but expect it to take a while to work - and when it does she'll have to find someone else to be her 'moan outlet' so maybe you should warn other family members (or not ).

And, of course, you can try just making yourself less 'available' in general. You are allowed to be busy doing something else when she wants to see you, and not answer the phone sometimes. You've got a family of your own and they are your priority - don't feel guilty about that.

Good luck

Thanks to everyone for their advice and tips, its nice (odd to say) but i'm not alone.

Its been particularly difficult as Dad passed away 2 weeks ago, my middle sister is addicted to drugs/alcohol and was still living at home, but mum had to say enough was enough the other day - and she is now out (which she did need)

But, with Mum still being negative about Dad (''hes was like this for 40 years of our marriage) etc.... its getting too much

I am not allows to show any anger towards my sister - but its not my problem or my doing - and of course i'm angry, she has really not helped the situation.

I think you guys are right, be less available and concentrate on my own family - and not to feel guilty xxxx

Thats so much everyone xxxx

So sorry for your loss

You're quite within your rights to remind her not to speak ill of the dead

Wondered if you were my SIL...

My MIL is like this - extermely negative and she has an opinion on everything and always knows best too.. I had some counselling a few years ago and amongst other things it focussed on my relationship with DH. The counsellor was very interested to hear about MIL and FIL's marriage and said this would impact greatly on DH's relationship with me. We spoke about this at great length in fact. Don't underestimate the effects this could have on you and your own relationships. Have you ever considered counseling?

Very sorry about the loss of your Dad

Sorry for the loss of your father, I think you have to say to your mother, enough is enough Im sick of you bad mouthing my father, he has passed now and it is time for you to shut up.

She is clearly just a moaner, some mothers are like this, my mother was/is. I've not spoken to her for 4 years because it is just too much.

You have to distance yourself and get on with your own life, your own family.