Lack of Understanding

[groceries]

I have been with my partner for 4 years (living together). We have always had some problems communicating, we cannot seem to be able to talk about our lack of a sex life. I have tried to be as supportive as I can, we did go to Relate for some time but stopped going as he was finding it really difficult. I find it impossible sometimes to verbalise how I feel about our lack of intimacy. I feel down about the way things are and it plays on my mind quite a lot. At one time he was working away, coming home at the weekends and I found some Viagra in his work satchel. His excuse was that he forgot it was there, he says he never strayed. I don't know how to move on from this. I wish I could put it behind me, but it tends to come back and haunt me from time to time. I guess it dosen't help that we hardly ever have sex. I gave birth to my son 3 months ago, and I just want things to be OK with us...

3 months isn't very long, what was it like before you became pregnant? I think you must try not to worry. Do you want sex at the moment, or just intimacy?

It has been like this since we met and has got steadily worse since being
pregnant. Sex has never really worked that well, but at least before we were
still trying. Now that has stopped. He says hes happy for there to be nothing, that he does not need sex.

Has he always had a low sex drive? Is he asexual? Could he be cheating?

It's all very fine him being happy with a non-existent sex-life, but you're clearly not, so what does he say about your needs?

Is your problem with sex linked to a wider problem with communication? You need to be able to communicate freely in order to initiate intimacy, and sex, and you both seem to have problems here. I wouldn't worry too much about the lack of sex post-baby, though, as this will probably sort itself out in time; but I would be worried about a relatively new relationship in which a man who claims "not to need sex" is coming home from work with Viagra in his bag! Would it be cheeky to ask what sort of things you discuss at Relate?

This is a very timely post for me, my DH and I had words about this this morning. He has "intimacy issues" which are real but I am running out of patience because he does nothing about it. We have had sex twice this year! He is very definitely not asexual and when we met he didn't have a low sex drive. We make resolutions to work on the problem but he literally never follows through. I'm now looking for a counsellor. So you are not alone. He makes endless excuses and yes, I have wondered if there is someone else but there is no evidence of this.
What upsets me the most his is refusal to do anything about it. I would hope that if he was unhappy about a problem in our marriage, I would make an effort to solve it.

The Relate sessions ended over a year ago, I thought it was unfair to force him to go to counselling when he so clearly did not want to participate. I always seem to have the same conversation with him about trying, and he never follows through with trying to work on the problem. He says that he is interested but makes excuses...

Groceries I have today given him the name of a counsellor and told him to call. I think the nature of the problem is such that they don't want to talk about it. Tough. I am so sick of the promises that it will all be OK. I could accept it if we were working towards an improvement and I genuinely don't want to put him under pressure because I understand how counter-productive that would be. But he does have to see how corrosive this is to our marriage and I can't do that on my own it seems.

Nomedoit - I hope it goes well for you both. My partner never wants to talk about it and constantly avoids talking about it. It is corrosive to a relationship,
and to ones own self esteem. I am tired of blaming myself for this problem.