Help,I'm so confused he's harassing me?

[DD1isme]

I'm 17, I met a boy and thought I was in love, I knew my parents wouldnt approve of him so I ran away to live with him. It was perfect at first he was kind, caring, loving, and made me feel speacial. We are from very different backgrounds, I was working and earning my own money and he was on the dole. He had got himself in to debt,for drugs money, and I thought I could help him.we did some silly things to get money, and things started to go wrong between us.I left him, because I knew the things we were doing were wrong, and he was trying to come between me and my family, all the lying became to much. But he pestered and pestered me, and told me he loved me and he had promised things had changed, so stuidly I went back. Things went down hill very quickly, he said he had changed, and had got a job but it was all lies.he got jealous and tried to control me, threatened to hit me if I didn't lie for him to his and my family and stoped me seeing my parents and friends. I left him again and now back home with my family, but he won't leave me alone, 70 missed calls aday and 60 messages. Sometimes threats to kill and others, and sometimes begging me to come back and telling me he loves me and wants to marry me. I replied to him 3 times asking him to leave me alone. So the police came and issued an harassment warning to him. He changed all my passwords for Facebook and my email and sent threatened my friends on my Facebook. He has taken my money, and is getting other people to contact me on his behalf. The police have done a risk assessment, and are talking about panic alarms ect and because of his previous record which they won't disclose but I have a good idea about they say I should phone 999 if he comes near me. I'm scared, I'm confused, I know it's all wrong but I miss the good side of him, even if it wasn't real. My mum told me to post on here because I need support from someone outside the situation. I would welcome any comments so that I know that I'm not alone.

I have no experience of this, but want you too know that you have been very strong leaving him and that this will not last forever.
The longer you are away from him the better you will start to feel, and the clearer your thinking will become.
Take all the help you can get and make your life the very best it can possibly be.
Hugs

You're definitely not alone. Have you talked to Women's Aid at all?

You've done really well to get out of the relationship, it's not an easy thing to do; many women take several attempts to leave abusive partners, so you've nothing to feel silly or stupid about.

I think that (obviously!) you need to stay away from him. You need to block anyone trying to act as a go-between. I think that you should continue to involve the police. Log everything. Demand they act. There are laws against stalking that they can use, if they consider his actions amount to stalking you. When you say he took your money, do you mean he stole your money? If you have evidence of that, have you presented that to the police?

Change all your passwords - set up new accounts if you have to! Make sure that passwords are uncrackable - ie not a significant name or date, but a random combination of letters and numbers, like 5ffT22m56zQ, that sort of thing.

You need to stay far away, physically and emotionally. I think you should also have counselling to help you to understand why you feel the way you do and to understand that he abused you and to help you to feel strong enough to cope.

Take yourself off facebook for the moment. Get a different phone number.

I guarantee he will lose interest if he isnt getting any reaction, although sadly for someone else, that will mean he will move onto his next victim.

You are in the right place with your family and this is just one of lifes shitty experiences, but you will get through it and come out of it stronger. :)

Ask the police to place a TAU on your home (Treat As Urgent) so that your call is prioritised if you do need them.

Ask the police to seek an injunction. They should be taking it to court! Within the terms of an injunction, your area, street, etc could be named as exclusion zones.

The police should act on the grounds of domestic abuse, which behaviour such as this is widely recognised as. If they won't seek an injunction go to see a solicitor regarding a non-molestation order. (Similar to an injunction but based in civil law).

The 'good side of him' was a mask, now you are aware of the reality and I'm so glad you are with your parents now.

I've changed all my passwords and new phone number. But we save the other phone as evidence. It's nice to hear what other people think and that there's people to talk to. I'm still terrified as he only lives up the road and his family are proper gangsters.

I was in a similar situation when I was just a little older than you.

I dont know if it is an option for you, but I decided I would get a job away from home. I got a live in job, in a holiday resort, and worked the summer season (ideal time right now for you to do this if it is something you feel you could do).

It isnt running away, it is removing yourself from the situation and the stress, and it worked for me. My ex soon realised he wasnt going to win, and he started seeing someone else not long after I moved away. My parents didnt tell him where I had gone, (they were the only people who knew), and I rebuilt my life, made loads of new friends too, and was able to enjoy my freedom again.

i have been in the exact same position.. I will try not to scare you here...

Like you i met someone who i thought loved me was slightly younger than me at the time (i was 19 he was 18) we moved into a flat together i paid for everything while he sat on the dole and ate everything and smoked my wages...

He turned very very nasty. i found out he was sending pictures of himself to other girls and decided i had enough, so i texted my mum told her to bring my dad and call the police as i needed him gone from my life. The police came and it all began. .

He would follow me, he would text me pictures of him standing next to my car, outside my work, he would also hang outside where i lived. Every single time i called the police they came out arrested him but he kept breaking his bail conditions. He was threatening to kill me, was getting girls to bump into me in the street and shout and scream at me (i can look after myself but it scared me) In the end i was really fearfull of my life... he smashed my car up and would leave notes and knifes outside my house!

When he called me for the millionth time (i changed my number about 5 times and he still kept getting my number turns out i had a 'friend' passing on info) i answered it, and then i recorded the whole telephone call.... I was asking him questions like why are you doing this? why are you calling? why are hanging outside my work/home/car? he was vile on the phone threatening me and i basically had a confession for everything he had done and said. i gave the phone recording to the police and they used it in court... he got 3 months in prison and a restraining order for 5 years.

What i am trying to say is... dont be a victim. be vigilant at all times, this guy obviously has 'problems' report every little thing to the police, try and get concrete evidence of what he is doing to you, the CPS wont take him into court without something solid they can prosicute with! NEVER walk on your own even for a few minutes! and make sure your house is locked at all times, also make sure you are weary of any 'friends' i had one who helped him make my life hell! dont give out information to anyone except family and the police. He may or may not carry out his threats but they are bloody scary i know exactly what your going through!

PM if you wish to talk further hun x

I have no real advice for you other than the obvious, stay safe, make sure everyone knows where you are at all times, and to listen to your parents and the police. Sounds like there is a lot of information they have that they are not telling you, and you need to trust them.

I'm so glad you went to your mum, delighted that your mum told you to come on here, (bloody good call, MumofDD1isme!) and I'm so glad we have the chance to help you through this.

You need to use every life line given to you, every offer of help and listen really carefully to what everyone on your side is telling you.

Your life is just beginning, some of the ladies on here, believe it or not have been through similar to you, some even worse, but now are well, happy, have great families, jobs and lives. All of this you can have to.

Nothing you have done has caused this, please don't ever think that. Your ExBf made the choice to terrorise you, that is HIS problem. With help you will over come it and you will learn to spot a loser in future. He conned you, he lied. Not your fault love, never was, never will be.

The main thing is that you are now home, and away from him. Life can only get better from now on in!

Well done love, you did something that many women can't do, you got out!

Welcome to mumsnet, stick around eh? you will be a great help to similar people in the future.

Hi there. The police should be arresting him again under Harassment legislation. The warning means he has been informed of the nature of his behaviour and the effect it's having on you (in case he's too dense or obtuse to understand ) What it should mean is that he has no defence.

Getting other people to threaten or intimidate you amounts to the same thing so report this to the police too. I agree with others about an injunction. Contact Women's Aid or your local domestic abuse team within your policing area. Both will be able to offer advice about that.

Contact the officer who dealt with the warning. Ask them exactly what measures have been set up to ensure your safety. If they know what this lad and his family are like there is no reason why you shouldn't have everything available ie alarms, marker on your address/work place etc, extra locks, increased patrols...

You sound like a very strong and together person and I'm glad that your mum recommended MN. I truly hope this all works out for the best for you.

Thanks to you all. I'm her mum.

I knew it would help her to know she's not alone. It just helps to hear it from others who have been through similar things to see it isn't just mum nagging you.

All your stories and messages of support are really appreciated.

I am sorry that I have no advice but I felt it important to tell the OP that she has down really well to leave the idiot and go back home with her family. It would have been a very hard step and I hope the op gets through the next steps which a going to be hard but do not give up as the end is in sight. Focus on life without this idiot being in it. Good luck.

Well done for getting out. As everyone has said, keep collecting evidence, keep the police informed of everything the miserable little shit does, he will end up in prison being buggered in the showers once a day pretty soon.
Another thought to comfort you: you could consider (and will do a few years down the line) what this vile man did almost as a vaccination against shit men that will last you the rest of your life.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately some abusive men do turn into stalkers when the relationship ends. I'm glad you've involved the police and if they're talking about having an alarm you should take it. You might even want to consider going to a refuge for a while just to get away from the area and to know you're safe. I think you should contact Women's Aid and see if there's a local domestic abuse service that could provide you with an outreach worker to support you. Make sure you keep a diary of any incidents as this will be needed for evidence. I would recommend seeing a solicitor and applying for a non-molestation order, they come with the power of arrest. It doesn't sound like he'd stick to it but at least he'd get arrested for breaching it, for example if he were still to text or call you he could be arrested as that would be a breach.

HUGE applause for Downnotout WHAT A FAB MUM YOU ARE!

DD1isme, you are lucky to have such a clued up mum by your side, and now you have literally thousands of people who all want you to be free, loved, and to go on with the rest of what will be a rich and happy life!

SGB makes a very good point, you are learning something now that will help you for the rest of your life! I'm only learning this stuff now, 30-odd years after you! What I wouldn't give to know then what I know now! Life would have been different, I can tell you!

Thank u very much much for your comments,it feels like I have 100's of mums :D

I don't have any advice that hasn't already been given, but I wanted to let you know that I think you're incredibly brave to have walked away from this nut job DD1isme

Downnotout You're a fantastic mum and HerHissyness is right, there are lots of us watching and hoping that you have a fantastic future DD1isme

Thank you all for your posts, I am taking further action now as I am scared and his text are getting to much for me. I am going to give a full statement at the police station this evening and hopefully all this will come to an end very soon. Thanks for all your support x

well done Downnotout,it must be stressfull for you too just support her and keep safe

thank you for everything x

I was also in a similar position at 15, you've had some very very good advice on here from the other ladies,

from your part, i'd suggest please get some councilling as well to go alongside - I did with the college.

This 'man child' won't win, don't let him. keep talking to your mum, and trust them and yourself. it's hard, and i'm sure you'll right now feel like you'll never trust anyone again, a lot of us still have issues some 10-15 years on however it's better to see him for what he is now than a few years down the line.

I also did what another poster did - I moved to the other end of the country with family (did also work at a holiday park though) and basically rebuilt a life. The holiday parks they pay a crap wage but if you live in honestly it's a good old giggle. You're a strong young lady remember that. oh and we're mums who have been there so any time you need an ear. :) also, keep talking to your mum - I know she'll find it hard, and likewise know there's stuff you'll never want to tell her as you think she'll get upset, however, remember your mum loves you, she won't judge you, and i'm sure she'll protect you to the hilt, so if you have council ling then have a coffee with her after as it can be quite heavy going.