Too tired for sex, affecting our relationship

[aZombieState]

Dh has seemed a bit down of late, nothing specific just not his smiley self. Last night I asked if anything was wrong, initially he said everything was fine. He then confessed something was playing on his mind, our lack of a sex life.

We have 3 children under 5 and since dc3's arrival 7 months ago in particular I have just felt knackered. This has resulted in a very low sex drive, I just don't think about it at all, only sleep!

We're probably only having sex once a month, which I realise is pretty awful. Dh says he feels rejected, that for any chance of sex he has to put in the ground work first, cooking dinner, running a bath, candles etc. but that on my part there is no investment, effort, waiting, 'wooing' - yet I always remind him he has to woo me.

So when I say I'm too tired he often feels it is more like I can't be bothered. Because it really doesn't take much effort for me, or at least shouldn't feel like it does.

Basically he wants me to want sex, not feel like it's a chore. I replied that I don't see it as a chore, I still fancy him and do enjoy sex when we do have it. I just feel so tired at the end of the day. I said I will make more of an effort and that I feel things will get better naturally anyway once I start getting more sleep.

He doesn't seem happy with this response, he says it has reached crisis point.

I'm now left feeling like I don't know what to do, I don't know what he was wanting to come from the conversation. If anything it's made me feel even less like having sex.

So, any advice much appreciated, is it normal to feel this way and how should we proceed from here. Thank you.

It's no wonder you're knackered with 3 under 5. It's still quite soon after your baby to expect fireworks in the bedroom.

It's nice that he runs a bath/does a meal etc when he wants sex, I guess, but how much help does he give you day-to-day? Perhaps if he took up more of the slack and you had more downtime on a daily basis, you'd have more energy and sexual interest? I don't know how evenly your joint workload is balanced, but if you're doing a lot more than he is and never have any time to just sit on your own, obviously you're not going to feel sexy.

Thanks buzzsore. He's actually very helpful on a day to day basis, really can't complain on that front. The thing is he feels he shouldn't have to do the dinner, bath etc. for me to want sex, that I should want it anyway. He doesn't seem to understand that after running around after the kids all day and generally feeling a bit rundown and mumsy I do need to get into the mood, I can't just switch a switch. I think this is quite normal but I think he feels I'm just being lazy and a bit hard work.

Have to go now, kids need entertaining . Any further advice much appreciated though as I will be back later.

Why does he only do these things when he wants sex? Running a bath, making dinner etc are not currency to be used to "buy" sex from you, he should be doing these things anyway because he cares about you and wants to make life a little easier and nicer for you, the same as (presumably) you do for him. Why would you want to have sex with someone who only does nice things for you when it serves a purpose for him?

It has been proven that men who help out more with domestic tasks have more and better sex than those who don't. It is simply not possible to feel sexy when knackered.

Explain to your DH that you are tired and et him to help with things in the evenings so that you have a chance to rest (even if just a little). Do you have family nearby who can help with the kids over the weekend occasionally and give the two of you some time alone?

As an adult your DH should be able to understand that the needs of your children come first and that you need to look after yourself as well. No person is able to just give, give, give

Well, it's depressing that he finds it a chore to do nice things for you. It is very demanding having such young kids and you are perfectly normal not to feel up for it.

If you feel the way the workload is shared is well-balanced, then maybe you both need to dedicate a little time to each other: perhaps suggest a regular "date-night" when you'll both make efforts to please & pamper each other. One week he runs a bath for you, makes your favourite meal, watches a rom-com or whatever - the next week you cook him a steak and give him a bj (to choose stupid stereotypes ).

I could've written this post myself I have 3dcs under 6 and have only recently got my sex-drive back. The youngest will be 2 in July, I was told by the health visitor when I asked if it was normal that it takes your body 18 months to return to how it was pre-pregnancy and as there is only a 21 month gap between my middle and baby I never really gave mysef chance to recover.

I did speak to my dh about it though and he started coming straight home from work to help out at teatime instead of going to the gym straight from work, he now goes at 7.30pm when they are all in bed. He has started helping out a lot more now, doing bedtimes and doing the washing up.

I do admit that at first it took some effort on my part but we seem to be back to how it was before. For me I started doing my hair and putting make-up on (not in a 1950s housewife kind of way!) to make me feel more like a woman and not just the dogsbody. I think you need to give it a bit more time as your ds is still only young as someone else has already said

Thanks for replies.

Great to hear things can improve SoFluffy and reassuring I'm not the only one to have felt this way.

I really do feel he does his share around the house, in fact he's far better than the majority of men I know. However he is out at work at least 7.45 - 6.30 most days, sometimes longer (which I'm aware is the norm). I think being at home with dcs all day without even the time to go to the loo without an audience and only the odd snippet of adult conversation at school drop off etc. can make you forget you have a life of your own sometimes. I'm struggling with a baby bashing the keyboard as I type this! .

It's also hard to get a babysitter, we have no family nearby and don't really know anybody well enough to feel comfortable asking them to babysit, I think babysitting 3 young children is quite a big ask. This is why I find things like having a relaxing bath together important. It's time to sit and chat without any distractions and have a bit of us time, without the need for babysitters.

I think I'm going to have to tell him I will make more of an effort, but that he needs to accept that he has to do his part too. I need to feel it's not just sex he wants, but sex and intimacy with me. Also, whether he likes it or not, I do need to feel in the mood, which, for now anyway, will involve a bit of 'woo-ing' on his part.

I think it does come down to energy levels which can differ when you are a SAHM or working. I have done both roles and I know I've often felt more energised by being at work as it can be less demanding. A SAHM can feel completely drained by the mundane and repetitive tasks.

It seems like you have a good man so I hope you can resolve it

Maybe he just doesn't understand that this is a perfectly normal stage when you have such young children. I was a SAHM too, and felt very similar to you. You are not rejecting him, you are tired! Eventually, as the kids get older, you will regain your energy and you will find more time to be together on your own. Now our DSs are grown up, DH and I go out for Saturday lunch every week and also have at least one dinner out together on a regular basis. He just has to hang in there whilst your children are young.

Has he ever spent a day on his own with them? That might help him to understand!

Thank you, this is making me feel much better.

He phoned earlier and actually apologised, unprompted, saying he thinks he was unreasonable. I told him he wasn't unreasonable to bring it up as it is obviously bothering him and making him unhappy and hopefully we can make some changes we're both comfortable with .

I found this website and have pointed him towards the 'breastfeeding' and 'feelings' sections, which I feel are quite relevant to me.

www.jfhc.co.uk/Content/Doc.aspx?id=1236

So, thank you all for good advice and hopefully we can change things so we're both happy.

Sounds like a good result .

I agree its rare we are too tired, its that we cant be bothered

you've got to make the effort

I suspect your story is very common- certainly it was my experience when the kids were small that exhaustion is a huge turn off and actually what I really craved and fantasised about was sleep rather than sex. We made a few changes that helped, one of which was nipping up to bed the minute the kids were asleep, and then getting up again and spending the rest of the evening feeling very smug with ourselves. I found if I left it until our normal bed time I really was passed anything but sleeping. The kids are a bit older now, and sleep properly and things are back to normal- it will be ok its just a question of getting through this bit.

On the babysitting front - we use sitters.co.uk - they're fab. It's a bit of a step using a childminder rather than a family member but they're all registered and capable and we haven't looked back...