I've just signed up to this site, I'm not a mum, I would like some mum-type advice though please, as I don't speak to my parents because my dad sexually abused me as a child and when I told my mum she didn't believe me and told me that I was making up lies. I'm seeing a councillor and have been for three years and will be seeing her tommorow. But I feel like I need to ask for some kind of advice on here.
I'm in a bit of a complicated situation. I'll give my background, I am 27, I've been with my partner for about four and a half years. We moved in together very quickly after we got together about 6 months later I began to have a breakdown and was forced to face up to what happened to me as a child. Until I got ill we were very happy, we had been friends for 3 years before we got together and were both very passionate about the things we did together, he played guitar and I played bass. We went to gigs, messed around making up songs and had a brilliant time. Until, I was off sick from work so long that I lost my job, and got to the point where I couldn't leave the house without the vallium the dr gave me. During this time my dp also became very ill with anxiety and depression, and self harm. We both tried to be good to each other but our personal problems compounded each others.
The only thing that got me through this time was walking in the fields around the village we lived in and writing, drawing, painting, expressing my painful and scary emotions. I had panic attacks, hallucinations and lived in a constant state of fear to the point that when noises came from the hairdressers downstairs i'd hide under the table. We had firey arguments and found it difficult to understand why each other. We had this small office type room that was sort of in the living room and I spent most of my time in there.
I went to a psychiatrist through the nhs, but she was rather unhelpful, and the last time I visited her she told me to stop acting like a baby. I tryed various councillors.
Through writing things out I realised the only thing I could do that could help me to recover from my problems was to go to university and study art. A long time dream of mine (which was discouraged by my parents when I was a teenager).
It was a way in which I could find something to give me a reason to get up every morning, the ultimate distraction technique. My dp was not keen on the idea, but at the time it seemed the only thing I could do to pull myself out of the dark abyss we had been living in. I knew at the time the idea of me working in an office like I did before hand would not have worked for me, I needed to recover, and grow and evolve as a person. Deepening my understanding of myself and the things I am interested in.
During my time at uni my partner tried to support me, but his bitterness and resentment towards me has grown and grown. In my first year at uni a friend of ours gave him a job as an apprentice, which got him out of the house and working.
I found uni stressful and difficult but extremely rewarding, I made friends and grew in myself. I have changed considerably since I went to university. About a year and a half almost 2 years ago a guy joined my course and we instantly clicked and became really good friends. For a while whist my dp's resentments were at their height, I had a bit of a 'school girl crush' on this guy. As I mentioned before I do a lot of writing and I write everyday about my thoughts feelings, fears and dreams and so I wrote some things about this guy.
My dp then ended up reading my diary, he got so angry he ended up punching the glass door in, and we came so close to splitting up that my councillor organised for a room in halls to be available to me at any time if i wanted to/needed to leave. I chose not to leave and to give our relationship another go. He gave me the ultimatum that I must not speak to this guy any more.
I tried to keep away from this guy but we were drawn back together through being put in teams together at the uni and cigarette breaks, we have a lot in common, we both love making art, are interested in phillosophy, spirituality and have stimulating and fascinating conversations. Its obvious that he's attracted to me although I try to ignore it and the fact I am attracted to him. He's got a lovely girlfriend and I don't want to split them up and I don't want to split up with my dp, I'm just finding it really hard coming to the realisation that i'm going to have to cut a very dear friend out of my life, its heartbreaking.
My dp seems to build me up and then knock me down all the time, when I handed in my final assignments for uni, he sent me some beautiful text messages, but when he got home he was in a terrible mood and went through everything that had upset him about me being at university including.
Last night we had the 'private view' of the end of university degree show. My dp came along, everything was ok until my friend turned up and my dp saw him looking longingly at me, and then his mum introduced herself to me and started saying how pleased she was to meet me after hearing so much about me and gushing about how wonderful my paintings are and how she looks at them on facebook and how greatful she was that I have been nice to her son. During this conversation my dp was standing behind me, then scowled at me like he was going to start shouting then stormed off, I couldn't find him and he disapeared for 2 hours. I obviously got upset about this and I didnt realise he'd left the exhibition, so I looked for him everywhere, and my other friends did too, I left it ages before I rang him to find out where he was because I was nervous of what he would say. When he did get back he then wouldnt let me go to the pub with my friends to celebrate all our hard work and instead expressed his unhappyness and dissatisfaction with me for hours and accused me of having an emotional affair, and read out various websites to me on what that means. He's acting like nothing happened today but i'm still reeling from it all. Finishing university, the pain and arguements with my dp and various other things. I really want my dp to be proud of how i've grown and what I've achieved over the last few years in spite of all the hard things i've been through.
I want it to be ok with my dp, I want us to be able to sort it out, but we just dont seem to connect in the same way we used too, and I dont know whether the problems we have had together have gone too far.
We have only just moved to a wonderful apartment after years of living in his nans bungalow and when Im here on my own or my dp is in a good mood im generally happy and Ok.
But my heart misses this other guy, we chat on facebook and send each other links to things that interest each other and used to read each others essays over,my friend gave me the encouragement i needed through my degree that my dp was unable or unwilling to give. Now my degree is over I need to build what happens next in my life and the university has given me a bursary to start a business with the paintings I make. I just feel so confused, and somehow that im being a terrible person. my dp wants me to delete my friend off facebook and off my phone and promise never to see or speak to him again. I just dont know whether thats something I can promise to do.
I'm sorry this is such a long post, if you have anything constuctive to say please comment.