Husband or Boyfriend??

[lifeshock]

Hi
Well this isn't as bad as the title may suggest. Me and my husband split four months ago. He left me, had a major life crisis/meltdown. I was in bits because I desperately loved him and thought we were happy.

Anyway the last couple of months we have been getting on really well, he comes for tea, to see the kids and he has seemed like he is being his old self again.

At the same time I have started seeing this bloke I met in a bar. He is nice looking, a really nice polite, caring person (or so he seems only been seeing him 2 months)I do like him although I haven't got any strong feelings for him.

last week I met my husband in town and we ended up having a few drinks together, he told me he still loves me, we ended up kissing and I told him I still loved him. Since then we have seen a lot of each other, talked a lot and I know he would like to just move back home like nothing has happened.

I feel I am in a bit of a dilemma. I still love my husband but am also very angry at him, when I try to talk to him about this he just says we should leave the past in the past and think of the future.

Ideally for the children and for both of us I would like us to get back together but not sure if I can trust him. What if I allow him to move back in and then he leaves again and does this to me all over again? It took a long time for me to start to feel normal again.

In the meantime the boyfriend keeps texting (I have told him I am thinking of getting back with my ex) being all nice and saying if it doesn't work out he is still there for me.
I don't know what to do, do I forgive my husband and go back to our old life? Can I? Do I dump this new bloke or allow him to keep hanging on while I make my mind up??

Help I just don't know what to do!!!

If he was generally a good person and you had a good marriage before he left, then I would think it's worth trying again with your husband if you think he's serious and will make the necessary effort to make things right.

Did he treat you very badly when you split, or on the lead up to it?

Are you sure there wasn't an OW who has dumped your H and now he wants to come back?

New boyfriend sounds sensible. Put him on a back burner for now.

Go to marriage councelling with your H. Explore why he left and work out what to do to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Don't let him move back in. Date for a good few months and see how it goes, how you feel. Can you forgive and trust him again??

He was always a lovely person and we were very close before the split. He handled the split very badly and his personality altered, it would sometimes be weeks before he saw the children and he just seemed like he didn't care about anything. It was as if he had been abducted by aliens and this shell was left. He seems almost back to normal again but I am scared that it might happen again ...

From the way you describe him, I'd bet my house on an OW, which it's not all so rosy now, he wants to come back.

He oozes sefishenss. Leave the past in the past, yes I bet he thinks like that too. It won't ever work the way he is now, in all honesty. For many reasons.

Any chance he could have been suffering from severe depression, or had a breakdown? If he has sought help for this that may be why he seems "back to normal"

Why not talk to your husband about what went wrong and say he can't just move in as if nothing has happened? It would be interesting to see how he reacts to you dating someone else.

I would say that it seems reasonable to think about giving your marriage another go. BUT I think he needs to accept that you need to talk about it and that it is not going to work if he just walks back in. I agree- take it slowly, see a counsellor and don't let him move back.

Make sure you are happy that you trust him before you make a definite decision and are absolutely certain of the reasons for the initial break up because if they are not resolved you will split up again.

Good luck but keep an open mind

I know he would like to just move back home like nothing has happened.

just says we should leave the past in the past and think of the future.

these two statements tell me that you would be a fool to take him back, on these terms

he wants to just slot back in, like nothing happened

well, it did

you were treated very badly, probably because of another little romance that hasn't worked out

are you worth so little, that he doesn't even think he has to change anything about himself ?

next time, he has a little "breakdown" what will he do then ?

fuck off again ?

I would keep him very much at arm's length and carry on with the new man

incidentally, does he know about your new man and does his "turnaround" coincide with that discovery ?

he does not deserve to just waltz back in...What are you ? Any port in a storm ?

You certainly do not string anybody along, I hope your husband knows about the boyfriend because if he doesn't that is being deceitful.

If you still love your husband then you owe it to yourself to try again, there are no guarantees in this life but our lives are what we make them.

If you love him, if you want him try again.

I would keep dating your dh, don't let him move back until you are sure what happened and until he proves himself worthy of the relationship, of you. I don't think it would be wise to just let him back without him working on things and confronting the pain and devastation he caused you.

I would dump the H

you only split 4 months and already you have managed to date somone and get so deep your not sure you should dump him dear oh dear

I am not in too deep with my boyfriend I like him but that is that. My husband knows I was seeing someone and I haven't been deceitful with anyone - in fact totally honest and upfront
I didn't choose to end the relationship with my husband it was his decision I spent many an evening at home crying but eventually hauled myself out and I am glad I did.
I do still love my husband and ultimately would like things back the way they were just don't know if that is possible now.
Thanks for all the replies, think that dating again is a good idea and taking it slowly.

maypole

I think the op has had a healthy reaction to the situation - what's she expected to do - sit indoors with the curtains drawn.

No harm in having a distraction with a decent man - presumably he knows the situation. Doesn't mean she doesn't still love her husband.

I'm beginning to think that too many women martyr themselves at the altar of marriage. Keeps the status quo going nicely.

I've been guilty of this too which is maybe why I feel quite strongly about this.

I don't think it's possible to get things back to the way they were, but do think they could be good again.

But unless he lets you talk about what happened and actually deals with it, lets you be angry with him, explains himself and makes efforts to prove he won't let you down like that again, I don't believe that there's a hope in hell. He can't just sweep it under the carpet - it won't disappear, it'll just be a great festering lump. And all too often people don't value what comes too easily - he won't respect or value the relationship or you if he can just walk in and out. So defo take it slow.

I would not be letting DH move back with him refusing to talk about what happened. That is just not healthy and is definitely not a solid foundation for a relationship which has been rocky. I would also wonder whether there has been an OW or possibility of an OW on the scene.

Also even if your DH does not know about your bf (does he?) you probably appear more attractive to your DH by virtue of being a bit more confident and on the up etc from the new relationship. What happens when it just goes back to normal again?

It sounds like you want to try to work things out with your DH and I would not tell you you are wrong to want that. But I would say to be very wary about doing it all on his terms and without understanding and talking about what went wrong before.

I think your focus needs to be on why he left and not so much on what happened when he left. The major warning bell for me on your posts was that he would go for weeks without seeing your children
Why?
How was he spending his time?
Where was he living and did you visit him there?
Was he accessible or were there periods when he could not be contacted?
What were his spending patterns during this time?
Did he take any trips?
In general, men just don't up and leave without somewhere to go. You really need to find out what was behind this split before you even think about having him back.