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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What helped you most when you first discovered the affair? Want to help friend who is hurting badly.

4 replies

ChickenSpring · 26/05/2011 16:03

A close friend has just discovered her DH is having an affair. She has two very young children. He has lied to her over several months, maybe years, and has said some incredibly hurtful things about her. There is no way back, and she knows this in her heart, but is naturally struggling to come to terms with it. He has recently moved out leaving her to deal with the children mostly singlehandedly.

I am finding it incredibly hard to see her suffer so much and desperately want to help. However, I have no experience of relationships breaking down and young children being involved. I want to say and do the right things to help relieve the pain, however slightly, and to help her come to terms with all that has happened.

I therefore wondered if anyone could share their own experiences of how friends and family helping during a relationship breakdown. Was there anything someone said that struck a chord and helped in times of darkness? Any practical considerations for the first few weeks? Any acts of kindness that provided comfort? Conversely, was there anything you recall being particularly unhelpful, so I can avoid making the same mistake.

OP posts:
carlywurly · 26/05/2011 16:09

You sound like a great friend.

I don't think there are any rights and wrongs if you're well intentioned, but having been through a similar horror story, I was really grateful to friends who helped us fill our time at weekends, and kept inviting us out, even if I didn't want to go. Your friend may need help with childcare or babysitting if she doesn't have family support.

Practically, you could help her sort out finances, find a solicitor, or go with her to meetings if she needs moral support. Or simple things like picking up shopping here and there.

Just be there for her really - she's been betrayed in the most horrific way, and will need to know she can rely on her friends.

Fideoconpollo · 26/05/2011 16:10

My sleep was affected the most, if you could look after her children to allow her to sleep that would be so good. I can't really remember what was said that helped, although I do remember people were great. It is just a hazy time. You sound like an amazing friend.

chris123456 · 26/05/2011 16:17

Suggest to her that she posts here

ChickenSpring · 26/05/2011 16:35

One thing I should have mentioned is that unfortunately we do not live close to each other. I have seen her once since the split and she was a mess. I intend to travel to see her as regularly as I can, and she will let me (wants to be on her own at the moment). Therefore, I am trying to help by talking to her on the phone. She is trying to be brave and therefore the conversations are not frequent. Hence, why I want to say the right things. I am very worried about her.

OP posts:
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