sex life with a young family......

[4madboys]

so we have 5 kids, aged from 11 the eldest and the youngest is 5mths.

sex life since the birth of dd is fairly non existent, a handful of times, tbh i am too tired, she is not a great sleeper and i havent had any blocks of sleep longer than 4 hrs since she was born and that is rare.

i am a busy sahm with 5 kids, school run, pre school, sports clubs, music lessons, keeping the house sorted etc etc, all usual everyday stuff along wiht looking after the toddler and the baby.

dp has a stressful job and works long hours, its shift work so he does nights and evenings as well and is generally out at least three nights a week,leaving me to do the dinner/bedtime routine with 5 kids, i can do it, its fine but tiring! he sometimes gets in at 10:30-11pm and would maybe like sex then (when he isnt too tired himself) but the baby feeds at 11:30 and by that point in the day i am too tired!

the only other time really is early in the evening after all the kids have gone to bed, he isnt always here then but when he is i guess thats an option BUT there is always the washing, tidying up, sorting pack ups, stuff for the next day and once that is done i just want to flake out.

usual issues of having a bit of baby weight to loose so not feeling hugely sexy, combined with tiredness mean i am dont feel that up for it andhe isnt a great instigator of sex, so unless i instigate it probalby wont happen but he is moaning at lack of sex and intimacy.

i have said i am tired but willing to make an effort BUT he is often grumpy (tiredness,stress) which makes me NOT want to have sex with him. he says the lack of sex makes him more grumpy...vicious circle.

anyhow i remember it was like this after each baby a bit and we gradually got more sleep, got more of a sex life back etc but cant remember when?!!

so what are sex lifes really like when you have a bunch of kids, one a young baby? is he being unreasonable, am i? or is this just a part of parenting that we will work through as ever.....

not ignoring replies, have to feed baby and get sorted for school run!

oh contraception also an issue, we dont want anymore kids, he doesnt want the snip........

i dont want to go on the pill but am thinking i may get a coil at some point, so we are stuck wiht condoms at the moment which neither of us like!

Well you have had it 4 times more than me since the birth of your 1st!

Don't be so hard on yourself, it will come back, it won't be like this forever. Some men are worse than children with the attention thing but then again if he was denying you you would feel the same as him

my word. i am tired just thinking about it! And there i was moaning about having 3 kids! it's no wonder you don't feel in the mood so i would just say concentrating on surviving at the moment! Do you have any kind grannies or friends who could babysit for an afternoon so you can go for a coffee? I find evenings I just get too tired to enjoy myself whereas an afternoon seems like a treat. The problem is i think that you start to see each other with resentment whereas you need to see him as your partner again? Break away from the kids might provide this (if you are lucky enough to have family around). i feel your pain! It will get better.

thankyoU!

the thing is he feels, as do i, that we dont have much of a relationship other than a children at the moment? life revolves around them and keeping the house ok, paying bills etc, ithink thisis just the stage we are at, one they are a bit older and the baby sleeps a bit more we will be able to go out and nejoy being a couple and have more 'us' time but its just not easy with 5 kids!

i think part of the issue is he has a high sex drive, and i did when we didnt ahve kids, we had sex all the time and during my first four pregnancies i was mad for it
but 5th pregnancy much harder, i was just tired and pukey allthe time so not up for it (and he doesnt like having sex when i am preg anyway so not much of an issue) so it has been a long time since things were 'normal' but tbh i dont know what normal is anymore!

he has said we should try and be more intimate wihtout having sex, just cuddles and stuff, so thats the first step i think, if we dont both fall asleep on the sofa the minute we sit down!

no family nearby :( and one friend that would look after the toddler but not the bayb, she can be a bit fussy and is a mummies girl, normal for her age :)

tomorrow we are going out but wil have the toddler and the baby, but still a coffee in town and a wonder round rather than being int he house etc.

so i think this state of affairs is fairly normal tho?

I think this sounds like many with young families - there aren't enough hours in the day and when there is an hour you just want to kip - do you not think mother nature is telling you something - sleep with no sex!

All I can say is try having sex with teenagers in the house - they are always awake and barging in!

It will get better

I think this is normal. It gets better when you get more energy and time together. I do think, if there are friends/GP willing to oblige, that one night a month together at the pub or cinema is essential, though. If that's impossible then a coffee together with youngest is better than nothing.

Sex is impossible unless you have enough sleep. 3 little uns and you are going to have hardly anything left over for each other. It gets better.

thankyou!

anyhow i rasied this issue with two mums i know at school, both with similar age baby, they were like sex?!! whats that! so good to know we are not alone!

and then before the conversation could go any further ds4 fell and cracked his head, lots of blood, big egg head, so ice pack applied and trip to the gp's to get nurse to check him over and clean it up, thankfully no stitches necessary and all the grit etc is out. but having just got in,i am now knackered, dp at work till late and i have to do dinner, bed etc.....

A lock on your door is the best libido-enhancer I know of....

But sometimes you have to prioritise for the times when your dh gets home early - is unloading the dishwasher more important than sex? Sometimes yes, sometimes no!

i dont have a dishwasher, how i WISH i did!

plus have to be out by 8:10 in the morning so do have to get everything ready the night before iykwim?

and re a lock, the toddler and the baby are currently in our room,baby in our bed....... we have co-slept with all of them, so its nothing new tho.

i think we will just have to reinstate date night where we feed the kids something easy and then get ourselves a take away and watch a movie :)

You're being very hard on yourself - you have a tiny baby! Stop stressing about it and relax - "date night" and cuddles etc sounds just right. I think the more people stress about it, the more of an issue it becomes.
As for him not wanting to get the snip - is there any reason for this? Surely with 5 children already this is the best solution all round?

We have less children than you but now they are a bit older 5-10 years old, they don't go to bed as early so there is less opportunity for us. DH and I feel a bit resentful tbh as the kids have 100% of the time when they are up but we need husband and wife time too. We have considered getting a lock for our bed room door as they have burst in once but it feels wrong and tbh we just wouldn't do it when they were awake anyway.

We have learnt to take our chances when we can but also have taken to snuggling under a blanket to watch a dvd together so that we have emotionally close time even if we can't have physically close.

OP - tell your partner that the more he is moody/whatever the less you will want sex so he has to knock that on the head and be a bit more understanding. Also, if he doesn't instigate sex then it might just not happen as you will chose sleep over sex - like a lot of parents!

can i just say i only have 1 DC ATM (although i'm pg with the 2nd now) since having DS we've had sex a handful of times (he's 2yo and i only really bothered because we wanted another baby)

so you're not alone, i have no libido ATM which is also a problem for DH we have agreed to no sex for the foreseeable future and are working up again from kisses and cuddles to touching to heavy petting etc i'm sure you know how it goes. but sometimes i feel too tired for even that.

to think you're doing what i'm doing but 5 times over staggers me [lazy emoticon] i know i wouldn't have the energy which is why i'm stopping at 2DC.

stranded it would be the best solution yes!

but he doesnt like the idea and even tho he is adamant no more babies and so am i! he says we are only young (i am 32 he is 34) and he doesnt like the idea of something so permanent cos you never know what life may throw at you... but the main reason is that he is squeamish about it tbh!

Bah - that's the WORST excuse. I could maybe live with the "we're so young" argument but not the squeamish one. After what you've been through with so many pregnancies and births! Pathetic!

DH shocked me when he said he was going for the snip. I did offer to be sterilised as it is my fault we can't have more kids but he said no way. I had done my bit!

he has said we should try and be more intimate wihtout having sex, just cuddles and stuff
He's right!

The pair of you sound fine, actually. You can scheme & plot to get enough time alone together for a decent meal, watch a DVD, play poker or something. You know, relationship stuff? Plus, what are the chances of farming the kids out for the odd evening or afternoon off? Or if that's impossible, maybe lose the older four and take the baby with you.

Most couples with an army of small kids grab the odd 5-minute shag in the garden shed, the bathroom and the loft! Once you and H have got back to liking each other (see above), this will probably turn out easier than you thought

Coil seems like a good idea. Or get a cap and wear it permanently? (I've done this, you just give it a rinse and some more gel every four hours, put it back in and you're about 85% protected iirc.)

85% protected, given i have got preg every time within a month and ds1 was a one off, thats not good enough! lol

but yes we are fine, just need to both make a bit of an effort to cuddle more etc and he did give me a cuddle this morning when he saw i was frazzled.

and sex does indeed have to be quick and generally not in bed given two small people in our room at moment, tho ds4 will soon be in with one of his brothers, when we have the time/energy to rearrange the bedrooms!

we do have a friend who will look after the elder four, tho dp feels guilty at asking someone to look after all four of them iyswim? but this friend is very close and essentially an unofficial 'uncle' to the boys and dd :) so know he will be happy to help, he suggested recently that he babysit in an evening so dp and i could go out actually :)

thanks again :)

OP I have 5 under 11, youngest now 3, and only in the last 6 months has my libido started to return, partly because we are getting more sleep and life has become more manageable, but also because the damned pill killed my sex drive!

I NEVER felt like i would want sex again but now I am beginning to instigate it and look forward to it. My dh is delighted!

Dont worry, it will get easier, and i would agree with another poster upthread who said you are being too hard on yourself, pregnancy, childbirth, young children all take a HUGE toll on your energy and libido and you just have to let nature take its course and in time, you will regain that closeness.

LEAP ON THE BABYSITTER.

Seriously, a night out together as a couple is essential. A friend of mine does this now and then for us and it makes more of a difference than I can tell you.