Pornography addiction, can our marriage survive?

[wheredidmyworldgo]

Well, I never, ever expected to be namechanging, or posting to the Relationships section, but here goes.

This week, life as I thought I knew it changed utterly and completely.
(Some background, my DH and I have been married 3.5 years, together for over 13 years, and were friends before we were together for about 6 years. We have one DD, 18 months old)

After a very serious discussion with my (D?)H about the fact that he had neglected to mention that a family member had sent him a large (to me) sum of money, I told him I wanted no secrets. That secrets were a deal-breaker for our marriage, so if he had anything at all I didn't know about, now was the time to tell me. He told me he had been "looking at naked ladies on the internet". At the time, I was not too bothered (a bit of porn every now and then, I could deal with), but after a day of discussions and me asking lots of very specific questions, it appears that he has a compulsion to look at pornography. This has also included "participating" (for want of a better word) in ChatRoulette. It turns out that he has used porn since he was a teenager, always on the internet, and the frequency has varied, sometimes as much as every other day, sometimes months without looking at any.

I have felt every emotion over the last couple of days. DH said he feels ashamed and dirty, but that he is relieved I now know because he wants to stop (he has tried unsuccessfully to stop in the past by himself) and has asked for my help with this. He has said he will do whatever it takes to try and save our marriage. He said he thought he had it compartmentalised, and would rationalise that it wasn't hurting anyone, wasn't Real Life. Now he has seen what affect it has had on me and, potentially, our marriage, he is devastated and I do honestly believe he wants help dealing with it (whether I should be the person to help is another matter...)

I so desperately want back the man I (thought I) married, and the wonderful father to my baby, but am terrified it's just not possible. Can anyone offer any positive advice? We have a telephone Relate appointment booked for next week, but that seems so far away right now. :(

Well, the positive aspect is that he admits he has a problem with addiction. Compare it to the hundreds of DH's referred to on this site who refuse to accept they have a problem. He also wants to do something about. While it is good of you to agree to go to the appointment, I do think that to resolve the issue fully he may need to go to counselling on his own after that.

I'm sure there are some here who will think he is an evil misogynist who you should divorce and who can't be trusted with your daughter but this does not have to be fatal to your marriage. The key though is that he has to take responsibility for addressing his problem and he will need to convince you which will be a long process.

Without meaning to be personal (and please feel free to ignore), do you think in hindsight that his addiction has affected your sex life and the intimacy of your relationship?

Also, are you absolutely sure that "naked pictures of ladies" is the extent of his dabbling or has he been looking at more extreme porn. Does his internet use also include use of dating/escort sites? This would be a much bigger problem but you have mentioned it so I assume not. I just mention it because you need to be absolutely sure that you now know everything if you are to move forward.

Thanks, I just wrote a really long reply then my ipod ate it. DD has just woken up, will try and redo my reply later...

The ChatRoulette stuff is what I'd be upset about - that's engaging in sexual activity with other people without telling you, which is not okay.

I'll be honest with you, on the porn use issue; I think I look at porn more frequently than your husband does, and I'm a 22-year-old woman in a perfectly healthy relationship. So maybe it's not a problem in and of itself? I mean, a "compulsion" to look at porn is surely just libido, not anything more sinister?

Having a meltdown tonight. He has admitted to doing a search on illicit liasons website, but swears he has never taken it further (and said he read about the bloody website on mumsnet and that it was morbid curiosity!)
He is willing to take a lie detector test to prove he has never so much as touched another woman in real life (this is beginning to feel like an episode of Jeremy Kyle).
I want this all to go away, and almost wish I didn't know any of it... It feels like I have opened Pandora's Box - no puns intended
(he now says there is nothing he hasn't confessed. Do I believe him? I just don't know what to think any more)

He could be offering the lie detector precisley because he knows you arent the type to go on jezza vile!! It could well be a smoke screen so you think he must be telling the truth.

On the other hand, you didnt "discover" this, he openly admitted it to you, and has offered up some detail and is prepared to go to councelling. All good things.

I think you need to know what exactly he has been looking at. That would be the make or break for me personally.

Relate cannot help with an addiction, a sex therapist is what you need, however you have to look at this in context, if he can go for months he is not addicted, and probably only uses it for stress relief as opposed to sexual gratification.

How much of a problem actually is it? An addiction would be the compulsion to look daily, not every couple of months.

Is it something you can live with? if he has no contact with anybody?

OP, poor you. I've read a lot of similar threads to yours in the last few days (and experienced this betrayal myself).

I'm sorry but I just want to yell 'Dump the fucker!" If he really wants a life with you he should start listening to you

He says he wants to not look at it, that he wants help to stop.

He knows I have posted here, and is convinced everyone is going to say I should "kick his grubby arse out" (his words).

It is a problem for me in itself (tbh, just viewing porn I could deal with, if it's not secretive) because it is obviously getting more personal in recent times, looking at real people in real time, not just objects (not the right word but brain addled at the mo) performing for a video. I think this, if left unchecked, could lead to him having an extra marital affair, even though he swears he could never do that.

Alarm bells ringing for me that he wants 'help' from you.

He doesn't want help from just me. He wants to get help from a therapist and possibly some medical help (there may be some depression involved also).

So today he has been to see a doctor to ask for referral to a sex therapist (has Bupa through work so hopefully shouldn't have to wait too long) and has phoned an employee helpline to see if there are any other ways he can get help (short answer is no, they suggested just waiting until after couples counselling next week to see what Relate says).
I phoned the Samaritans - not because I am feeling suicidal (couldn't contemplate doing that as have beautiful DD) - just so I could talk things through with someone that didn't know me and it was one of the best things I have done. I felt better and more positive after letting it all out.
Time is going so utterly slowly and I find myself wishing the hours away, especially in the middle of the night, like now. :(
Will things ever feel normal again?

If he admits to it, then he NEEDS to seek help for it because it will NOT go away on it's own and it never will! It's like any addiction. It can help a relationship by going to a psychologist and MAYBE a psychiatrist. But it will take a while if he's had this for a long time. You need to be there for him like a friend. This does not mean separating from him but if you feel better doing that, then all the better because then he will realize he can lose you. Tell him your relationship is on thin ice but you are willing to be there for him if he gets help and even come with him, if he wants. I don't know how long this would last but, as any addiction, it is up to the individual. It has nothing to do with how much he loves you but I can understand the feeling because I would feel like crap myself and have low self-esteem. Don't let that happen to you. It is not your problem but HIS! And if he loves you, he will be willing to get help.

Can you set your online access levels so that he can't get to this stuff. Doesn't help with what is already done - but might help going forward to know that access is barred. I think you can get software that will tell you exactly what sites have been visited even if you started messing around with access.

I feel positive about the fact he went to see a doctor yesterday. He is certain he needs help and says he wants to stop.
He is very aware we may not make it through this (I have told him that I can't make a decision about that yet), and he is utterly distraught at the thought.
Our relationship is effectively on hold.
He has not looked at porn since he told me about it, but he hasn't had the opportunity - he has asked me to remove opportunity by password protecting all Internet appliances until he can get help.
Also said the thought of it makes him feel sick right now because of the affect it has had on me/us.

X-posted with chris. Access to Internet is removed - DH said he finds that helpful.
He is also making an effort to spend time with me at those times of day which were the times he'd look at porn. He did it during 2 fixed time periods when he would not be disturbed.
I want to think these are small, but positive steps, but then I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster of emotions when I think about what he has been doing and how much secrecy there has been.

I think it's very positive that he's recognized that there is a problem. I was in a relationship with a man for 3 years who viewed porn on the internet EVERY DAY without fail and he would not admit that this was a problem at all. In fact he made me start to believe that I was the one with the problem. Needless to say I ended the relationship eventually not without a lot of heartache.

I really know how you feel, it's awful to be lied to but take heart that he is trying to change and help himself.