I seldom post, but frequently lurk. I don't really know what to do anymore. My DH and I have been together about 25 years, we have 2 DC of 17 and 13, the youngest (DD) has autism. Things have been a bit up and down between us - having a child with SN puts a strain and there have been other problems. The issue I would like advice on today is caused by the way he won't take responsiblity for his health and emotional problems. For the past couple of years he has suffered from insomnia, where he wakes at around 2 most mornings and can't get back to sleep until much later. So he is really quite exhausted a lot of the time. He usually goes to bed early, leaving me to deal with DD, get her to bed etc. We don't sleep together because he snores so loudly and because of his insomnia. He refuses to see a doctor about his sleep problems or the snoring. He also takes blood pressure and cholesterol meds, and says that he's not taking more pills.
For about a year he has been having erectile dysfunction. I'm sure it's pyschological because he can get an erection and can ejaculate, he just can't penetrate me. Again, I've tried to be understanding, done all the right things, taken the pressure off him, tried to talk about it (but he clams up and gets all defensive). We have had non-penetrative sex, but I would like to think that we can resume "normal" sex again at some stage, particularly as he doesn't seem to have a medical reason causing this problem. But it's become worse not better over time, to the point where we are no longer intimate and it's become a massive issue between us. I have asked him on a number of occasions to see the GP, but he won't go. He refused point blank to see a counsellor. I did counselling on my own with Relate to discuss this and other things. I feel very rejected sexually - I feel as if I'm not attractive to him anymore and it's really made me feel crappy. He doesn't help much with the running of the houseold, or with my DD, and my feelings of resentment have now reached epic levels.
Despite having high blood pressure he has really let himself go physically over the last 18 months - he makes no effort to maintain his weight and must have put on 2 stone. He takes no exercise and spends most of his free time watching sport on TV. He now says that he is depressed. This is completely self-diagnosed needless to say, and again he will not see a doctor about taking steps to remedy this. He still manages to function at work and has a very demanding job but there doesn't seem to be anything left over for us, his family. I also work part-time, 25 hours a week, in a well-paid job so it's not as if he is providing for us financially all on his own.
I don't want to appear heartless by issuing an ultimatum to someone who is ill (if indeed he is), but I can't carry on doing almost everything (housework, childcare), and getting very little back - no consideration, or emotional or physical closeness. This may sound cynical, but I feel to some extent as if he has presented the "I'm depressed" card and now feels that he can just sit back and not do anything. If he is depressed, I think that it's mild depression and not so bad that he can't summon the energy to get himself to a doctor. To me it just shows yet again how little consideration he has for me. At this stage I'm finding it hard to see what I'm getting out of this marriage. I feel like the housekeeper not a wife. Would it be fair to give him an ultimatum saying that I will ask for a separation if he doesn't make a real effort to get some help? And how long should I give him?
Thanks for reading.