Just realised not ONE of my close friends is in a happy relationship

[MilkandWine]

I've been posting very recently under a different name about my own current relationship problems.

When I've sat and thought about it I've realised that I don't have a single close friend who is in a happy, well rounded relationship. They are all with men who are either obsessive, emotionally abusive, neglectful or some other variation on the theme.

It's actually terrified me and is really making me think about why that is? Am I just in a circle of women who make very bad relationship choices or is it a symptom of something wider in society? My friends range from the ages of 24 to 34 and all of them are attractive, lovely women with so much going for them. I just don't understand.

Also as disloyal as it may sound it also makes me question whether I should even take any of their advice on board re my own relationship? For example I had lunch with a good friend today who sat and talked about her horrid boyfriends controlling, jealous behaviour and actually made excuses for him! Can I really trust someone who is in a situation like that's advice? And if I can't who on earth do I turn to? The ladies on here are fab but sometimes I think you really need that 'Real Life' imput. At the moment I don't trust anyone to give it to me.

Sorry that was a bit of a ramble, I'm just musing really as it has really gotton me thnking about things....

Can I ask whether you're sure your friends are in abusive relationships? I know that when I was unhappy in a previous relationship, I looked around at my friends and thought to myself that many of my friends were in bad relationships, and it made me feel better. I saw my friends with men that were immature, some that were morons, etc. Later, I realised that many of them are happy.

Bennifer No I would never think like that, I want my friends to be happy believe me. But they all seem to be with men who upset them on a regular basis and do things to drag them down. In the past week I've had 2 different friends in tears over their mens shitty behaviour towards them. I never hear anyone saying to me 'I love him and he loves me and we are happy'. It's usually some variation on 'But I love him (despite some awful behaviour they have demonstrated)

For example my friend todays boyfriend was sending her texts last night saying she was 'A f**king whore and deserved to die' (and they are some of the nicer ones). Then she tries to tell me that his behaviour isin't that bad and she deserved it.

It just really depresses me, when did so many of us women decide this is all we deserve from life?

I've had a lot of issues with men in the past that I've had to work through and while I did, I had lots of friends with similar problems. As I've worked on my issues and developed much healthier ways of relating to men, these friendships have become more distant to me and I have other friends with healthy happy relationships.

Maybe it's simply like attracting like, maybe as I've developed I have more to offer as a friend. I don't know the reason but I find your post has struck a chord with me.

I think it's just your friends. I would say the opposite about my group of friends - I genuinely cannot think of anyone in a bad relationship.

I think there is some truth in the idea that people sometimes negatively judge others' relationships without realising that actually, those couples are happy.

(Although MilkandWine I wouldn't put your friends' relationships in that category! They sound pretty miserable...)

Hmm, I find it hard to believe that any woman is actually happy with a man who sends her texts like the one MilkandWine described. In fact even if she had done something awful enough to deserve it (which is quite hard to imagine), a decent man wouldn't say it.

... cross posts, Pigglesworth!

I suppose there is an element of modelling what you see around you. If all their friends are "putting up" with rubbish men they are less likely to feel they have a choice. (Bit like people with overweight friends are more likely to end up overweight themselves).

I bet if one or two of your friends were to split up with their partners (especially if they made it clear it was their decision and no regrets, rather than trying to hang on to the relationship), it might give some of the others the spark they needed to leave or demand more respect as well.

I have seen this work the other way round too - I am still convinced it was coming back from a family holiday with his brothers and sister and seeing how happy they were in their marriages that finally convinced DH to propose. But again I have had older friends say to me that suddenly everyone in their circle seems to be divorcing...

I wonder whether we surround ourselves with people (unconciously) who have the same...I want to say "values" but it's not that really...it's more like "damage".

I have friends who are in happy relationships, and others who are in horribly miserable ones. The horribly miserable ones are the friends who chat to me most about their partners - so it's a bit like the Relationship board in a way - you know there are the occasional "wooo! I love my DH!!" post but they are generally "OH GOD HE IS A WANKER" DYKWIM?

i agree with Shirley- ive been thinking alot about this myself recently....my relationship has been terrible (alcoholic/abusive husband- thankfully coming to an end) and most of my friends are/were in unhappy relationships/ are splitting up/ are single...I think we gravitate towards people in the same situation---i think I did because i was embarrassed about the situation I was in and felt better if I wasnt with people who understood how Id got there and why it was difficult to change. When I think about my circle of friends before this crappy marriage- it included alot more healthy/happy couples- im sure they are out there but we our opposite situations repel each other

They definitely do sound like unhappy relationships, OP. I didn't mean to doubt you, I just wanted to clarify.

I would have thought your social group was unusual to be honest. I wouldn't think most women are in unhappy relationships.