Husband still working with OW

[Fideoconpollo]

My husband had an affair nearly 2 years ago, I am not over it, but with the help of counselling and anti-depressants, I am a lot better. I found out today that the OW will be staying working in the same small office as my husband permanently. She is Australian and was due to return there. I feel so sad, I really feel that after all we have been through I just can't accept them still working together. He cannot leave this job (visa restrictions) and I will not upset my children further by moving them away from their friends and schools. I feel the only thing left is for him to move out. I just cannot believe that I am still living with the repercussions and heartbreak after almost 2 years.

Do what you feel is best for you and your children. You have tried for the last two years it must have been hard knowing they were seeing each other at work everyday.

If you cannot accept it then don't. There is no shame or defeat in being unable to handle the situation.

It is better for you to separate and try to stay on amiable terms for the children than for you to stay together and be destroyed and tear each other apart. /hugs

Nothing to add to that. I just wanted to say how incredibly sorry I am. It sounds agonising, and of course you will feel in bits about it. Hang on in there - it will get better.

How did you find out? Did he tell you? And how does he feel about working closely with her?
My DH works in the same company (same building,different dept.) as ex ow. Luckily he doesn't have to work directly with her, occasionally has to attend the same meetings. He avoids her and if he has to pass her in the corridor or canteen,completly ignores her.
We are also 2 years on from discovery ( on ADs too) and are getting stronger.
How had your relationship been recovering before this discovery?

as in the discovery that she'd be continuing to work with him?

I have access to his emails, which was recommended by our therapist. He doesn't work on the same projects as her and also ignores her. But I think I spent so long hoping that she would go and we would be able to recover without her presence. And now I feel raw again. I know that she is nothing to do with me, my life or recovery, and I really shouldn't give her a thought. I so rarely do nowadays, she is nothing to me, but hearing this news brings it all back. Thanks for the replies. It really helps to talk and I don't so much in real life anymore.

Aisling how do you cope with them working together? Do you feel you have to avoid all work-related functions? Oddly enough that never mattered to me before, but now I feel weird about him talking about work or meeting clients etc.

Well, he doesn't actually work with her, has never been on the same projects, thankfully! We attend socials, depending if I want to or not and ignore her. (more later, off for my dinner)
X

Also, attending socials depends on the size of the venue and on who is going.DH has worked for the company for 20 years so we have a lot of friends there. She sought a transfer from Spain (just after he ended the affair, funnily enough and tried to contact him for about 3 months afterwards but has given up now) so she doesn't know many people here so, happily, we are not often at the same events.
I heard she was recently involved with a man who had just left his marriage ( work colleague whose ex is also working at the same company!) But that didn't work out for her.
I hope she leaves England at some stage, but, honestly, it affects me less and less because I am becoming more secure in my relationship.

I felt I was being affected less and less, but finding out she is staying permanently has floored me. I know I shouldn't let it get to me like this. I hope this is a temporary setback, I feel so bitter that mine and my children's lives have been so horribly affected by their stupid selfish actions.

How does your DH feel about her being made perm. ? I suppose we had to deal with it earlier and it does get to me from time to time. But I feel sorry for her,really.

What you are desribing I think is the loss of trust that inevitably occurs when someone has an affair. It is really hard to build up that trust again and that rebuilding has to happen from both sides. Is he on AD's, what has he done to help you ovedcome your disappointment, heartbreak and destabilisation in a relationship in which you should both aim to feel so safe? It sounds like you are doing alot of the grown up work yourself. Can you talk to him about your insecurities, does he let you do this without getting angry or exasperated? That is important because he needs to respect your feelings. My husband did the same and continues to work with her very closely. I am not happy...blimey, what a long road we travel...I have been weighing up options for a while and trying to calmly decide what I want and what it is worth to me to stay with him. 2 kids in the equation etc. The trust thing can feel like a leap of faith at such challenging times, a free fall. But I wonder if you will know when you are putting in more than him and when that is enough to make the break? I think he should leave his job. How selfish to make you deal with that but I know that that level of simplicity is denied in these situations. Keep talking and keep thinking about you and offer him the opportunity to talk and support you. Goodluck. Remember blokes think so differently about this stuff sometimes a different set of words to explain the same thing can help, sounds trite but it worked for me x

I think/hope this may just be a temporary setback. It also depends on how your DH views it. Mine can happily ignore her and rarely sees her (she did used to hover near his desk befriending people in his dept. but has stopped now).
I did notice, however, that she recently befriended a friend of ours on fb, which is odd as she barely knows him. But as long as she doesn't try to contact DH again I'm OK, as trust is returning because my DH has done everything in his power to win me back. And I can honestly say he has not put a foot wrong.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I know nothing will ever happen with her, they hate each other. But it is more what she represents, I don't want any reminders of what truly was the worst period of my life. I probably wouldn't want to socialise with the boring farts anyway, but the fact that the choice has been taken away feels awkward. We did make plans to move cities, but just can't disrupt my kids anymore. I also feel that I shouldn't run away. I guess the two of them have very little pride or dignity, I wouldn't want to be in their situation.

Yes it is their problem. Let them deal with the fallout of their actions. Try not to ask too much about her. I used to ask him had he seen her, etc.,don't bother now. But we are used to the situation. And in one way it reassures me that he has no longer feelings for her but still rather she didn't exist!
Best,best wishes. You'll be fine!

I'm probably going to be flamed but if they are unlikely to start a relationship again and if you don't have to see her, then I think you should try to continue as before. Maybe, because you were expecting her to move away, your feelings are quite raw but is it really worth throwing two years of recovery away because of the action of someone that you (and your husband) have little to do with? Her decision to stay sounds as if it has nothing to do with your husband so, while your upset is perhaps understandable in the short term, it would be wrong to make any big decisions of your own based upon it.

Hope things get better for you soon.

Good post lala, why would you get flamed?
I agree as I'm just coming up to 2 years since discovery too and feel we 've come a long, long way. This will pass and your recovery will continue Fideocon. (great nickname, BTW, love that dish!)

Thank you for all the responses. I have made progress, but it still seems so slow. I think I got hung up on the idea that I would recover and feel as good as I did before, but I just don't, I still feel so depressed and somedays find it really hard to function normally. Do people ever really get over an affair? I can't believe it can ever be as good as it was before. I have changed and I don't really like the new me.