Just out of an abusive relationship and its DS's birthday soon

[nicecupatea]

My marriage ended 12 days ago. H has left the house but probably not quite worked out that I wont ask him back this time, so so far its been quiet and no big backlash. We have one DS and I am 4 months pregnant.

DS is 3 years old in a couple of weeks and we had a big birthday party planned. Half the guests are H's family and half are neighbours and school mates. I live abroad so have no English family here. H has emailed me to say that none of his family will come, nor him. I should be relieved but having talked about it with my counsellor she made me see that the best thing for DS would be if we all smiled and got along, and when I asked why we shouldnt have two seperate parties she said "absolutely not" because it will send DS the wrong message (divided families, different rules etc). So anyway, yesterday H's mum called me and admitted that they are having their own party. With such a large chunk of the guests and presents its actually going to be bigger than the one I had planned, and will include the mickey mouse cake that MIL was going to provide. Just skyped my mum who was really unsympathetic saying that I should be grateful to have a day to myself while DS is off with H, and that kids in divorces need spoiling more (!) Am i being selfish to be upset that our party is being boycotted and "ruined"? Should I just be happy for DS that he will get two parties? Feeling confused and picked on by the whole of H's family, that what they are doing is a big public snub and DS is forced to watch and learn that anything mummy does isnt to be respected. Should I just toughen up, put that out of my mind and act, as if it doesnt bother me? Part of me wants to send an email telling them all what I think of what they are doing, but if I do that I will get drawn into a whole long conversation that so far I have avoided....

I do really want what is best for DS, as thinking about that gives me so much strength, but now that the counsellor has explained what the "best" its hard to accept that is not going to happen. Advice very much appreciated.

My x sees 2 of my DC once a month and lavishes them with all sorts (mostly provided out of the maintenance he doesn't provide me to care for them with!).

The optimum scenario is that your DS has a fantastic birthday and he is sure to, whoever holds the party. Try not to feel down, I know it's difficult, particularly at first. Be as happy as you can be that he has a happy day because, as sore as the boycott must feel to you, it really is and should be all about him.

Sadly one of the abusive scenarios is that the abuser enlists his friends and family to support him.

This appears to be the case in your situation. Your counsellor seems not to know much about the abusive dynamic then, she is suggesting you capitulate to a bunch of bullies?

It is outrageous that 12 days after your H has left, the father to their 3yo GS, they are pulling all support for you and your party out from under you.

TBH, I'd be inclined to say that the party IS planned and if they are going to start undermining you when you have been so badly treated by this man, then they are welcome to their party, cake and what-not, but DS and you will be busy that day.

Your DS is 3, he won't notice what is going on at all. Don't get involved in their games, it'll screw you up. Rise above them and ignore. If they are going to be helpful, supportive and positive components of your lives, great. If not, leave them for dust.

Your H won't change, not when he has a fan club! Abusive men rarely relinquish the entitlement to treat you like shit, and be the big be all and end all, and only rarely when his entire support network tells him straight that he is a bully and they will have no part of it.

Could you come home and celebrate with your English family?

I am not invited to H's family's party!!!

They are planning it for a Saturday when H has visits. His mum let it slip, I think I wasnt even supposed to know about it. It has crossed my mind that DS could be "sick" that day, but then I would be as bad as him, right? using my son as a pawn in the games?

My counsellor is supportive of the abuse and recognises H's family as being a bit twisted (my words) when I told her I was worried about being outnumbered by them all at the party (my party) she told me to just smile and not react, and go ahead with the party for DS's sake. AFTER this, H emailed me to say they are not coming at all, and then I found out about the other party.

Part of me wants to contact H's mum and try to at least explain why I dont want her to do the party (its her organising it, not H) but should I get any more involved or just walk away and try and keep a distance with all of them. As you say, they are going to be on his side.

Darling, you need to speed-read Why Does He Do That. I'm actually just past the chapter that talks about them recruiting their family.

If your counsellor is supportive of the abuse, get rid. I mean it. You need to have a frigging army on your side to counter the shit storm this guy will create. You need a specialist. Where ARE you, somewhere culturally very different to the UK? somewhere tolerant of men abusing their wives? familial abuse against the spouse? I lived in Egypt and there the whole family is in on it against the DW. She has NO chance mostly!

Let DS go to the visit/party etc. He's too young to be overly warped by the family yet, but as he grows older and more clued up, their toxicity will start to work on him. You may need to restrict visits or insist on supervised visits in a neutral space, so there are not any IL bad-mouthing mummy.

Shame on all of them. You need to make it implictly clear that should they bad-mouth you, gang up on you, you will simply go home and they will have to catch planes to come and see him. They want to be DS family, they need to behave like it, and that means treating his mother with some well earned respect and stop bullying her to please this dreadful little man, your H.

listen to Hisspot

she speaks sense

take legal advice about getting ds back to the uk...

It does sound like they're trying to undermine you but I don't think there's a lot you can do about it. You're right, it would be using him as a pawn to have him be 'sick' on that day. I wouldn't contact H's mother, you being upset by the plans is probably what H wants so it would just be playing into his hands. Rise above them and try to enjoy your party for DS.

sorry I have confused you!

My counsellor is supportive of ME. She understands that I have been abused and is supportive of my efforts to leave the relationship.

I am in Latin America, yes I have sought legal advice. I take my son out of the country without H's permission, although my lawyer can make an application for me to go on holiday, which he thinks we will win, but it takes 6 months. I dont really want to go back to the UK though, I have a mortgage free house here (all mine) and have lived here for 10 years so it would be a big upheaval. I would however like the option later on, I havent really decided what my long term plans are yet (or even short term - like the birth!!) because everythings is all so raw.

sorry, that should be "I cant take my son out of the country"

thanks for your replies, I do appreciate all your input. I think I will just have to not rise to it, I had been doing really well keeping contact to an absolute minimum until H's mum phoned, and that was really helping. I think I need to get back to that. Its probably pointless trying to appeal to them to do the right thing, they must KNOW what they are doing is wrong, but they are doing it anyway!

HerHissyness - wow Egypt must have been very tough, I bet you were very glad to get back to England after that.

nicecupa: oh good, thank goodness for that, it's so important to have someone you can count on to be an ally if need be.

What does worry me though is, without knowing the exact culture it's hard to be 100% accurate, but Latin America is a leetle bit more misogynistic than Europe/EUA for example, I recall another poster also in South America, with a therapist who tried to tell her that affairs were kind of part of life and she ought to just try to get over it. Abuse is another entitlement of Macho Men.

I think the best thing is to put yourself and your DC first and foremost. This guy made it impossible for you to live with him, he has literally no right at all to treat you like this, nor to raise even his voice to you, so refuse to engage him if he refuses to treat you with respect.

He wants to hold a party, fine, let him. You do your own thing when you want to. He calls you up and starts to bang on about something, Whoops, the line went down (you hang up!) Repeat and repeat until he gets it through his skull that unless he treats you with respect he will have no access to you at all.

Egypt? Tough? UNDERSTATEMENT.... I'll bore you rigid on the subject another time! Suffice to say, you'll see more of me on the Support for Emotional Abuse thread!

Thanks hissy BTW I have read "Why Does He do that?" twice see you on the other thread.

twice huh? show off! :-p [GRIN]

I'll definitely read it again, have Feel the Fear to read, plus one more I forget the name of on order from Amazon... not arrived yet. Oh yes Something about Going Crazy... we'll see.

I think your counsellor is barking, frankly.