DP tends to take his stress out on me and it's not great.

[teraspawn]

Hello, this is my first ever post.

My partner has been really stressed at work lately, working unpaid overtime at home at the weekends and in the evenings. His boss wants him to do something completely impossible in a really short timeframe. It's a small company and he thinks that essentially, if this doesn't happen, it will go under and he won't have a job. This job is really important to him and I completely get why he is working so hard, and why he is stressed out.

Since he started this job in November I've taken over all the housework (he's out of the house 60 hours a week and I'm a full-time student). Usually he's appreciative and thanks me at least once a week (usually when I point it out looking for praise, but hell, I'm only human).

For the last couple of weeks though, he's been snapping at me all the time. He gets annoyed when I don't have the windows open when he comes home (because it's too hot in the house), or if I've made soup for dinner when he is really hungry and wants potatoes (I am not a mind reader), or if I want to watch TV he doesn't like, or if I ask him to do anything at all (like ask his boss for the day off when we're going on holiday in three weeks' time, or finally do his tax returns).

This happened back when he started his job - we moved house at the same time; it was pretty stressful - but I was the one who did all the organising for the house move, and I didn't turn into a little bitch like he did. I'm tired of this and I need it to not be happening (I am revising for my finals at the moment) but generally when he starts snapping I just leave the room because if I start an argument I will never win.

How do I bring this up? Or should I just weather it until his job gets less stressful and we can have a calm conversation about it? I'm not exactly at the end of my tether, it's just a bit shit and I miss my nice kind partner.

TL;DR My DP gets snappy when he's stressed at work. It's not awful, but I don't like it. Should I bring it up now or wait until he's not stressed?

I think there's always something to be stressed about, and if you put up with this too long, it could easily slide into being your normality.

I would talk to him calmly. You are not his punching bag, and if he's extra hungry, he could text you and ask for a big meal (or stick on some potatoes himself) and things like that. But he chooses to be snappy and nitpick instead.

Difficult call. If it were me I'd first of all pick a time to talk, when he's about as relaxed as he's currently able to get, and ask him to give you five minutes without interruption. Start by acknowledging the stress he's under and add anything positive you can say, briefly, about what a great partner he usually is, what you value most about him etc. However certain of his recent behaviours, however understandable in the circumstances, are not acceptable. Enumerate these behaviours simply, with examples, and explain how they made you feel. You can get through this stressful time for both of you (because, as you say, you're having to pick up the slack at the moment and you've got your own studies to concentrate on) but only if you both pull in the same direction. If he is a decent sort, and you imply he is, he will take this on board and with any luck apologise. Then is the time for a hug and a glass of wine or whatever is a suitable treat for both of you. (Probably too tired for a shag!)

After that, whenever he starts snapping at you, quietly but firmly indicate he's doing it again and he is not to. I would suggest holding a hand up and saying an agreed word or phrase is better than walking out of the room for at least two reasons (walking makes you look sulky even if you're not, and why should you have to move if you're not doing anything wrong!). But walk if he won't drop it.

If he doesn't take it on board? Assertiveness techniques. This behaviour is unacceptable, is your bottom line. Continue to call him on it, politely but firmly, every time. Go for solutions wherever possible rather than complaints (eg, suggest perhaps if he's particularly hungry he takes a few seconds out of his busy day to text you "starving, make spuds please" or some such!).

The best of luck to both of you in this trying time.

Oh look, Zikes said it already, but shorter