Long term problem

[argh555]

Hi everyone -i'm just new to this so i am afraid i don't know the abbreviations and stuff! i really need some advice about my situation if you think you could help. i've been married for 15 years and have three children. my husband and i have separated a few times over the years - all over the one issue. sex. i literally have no sexual feelings for my husband - even though we close in every other way. this has been for at least 10 years and things are not improving. we've done counselling, talking, not talking, everything but nothing has worked. i really do love my husband and its incredibly frustrating that i can not change the way i feel. i really feel that my life would be sorted if i could just change! arrrrgh! should i keep trying and trying and spend more of my life going backwards and forwards or should i just get some courage and end it for good? my husband desperately wants us to be together as i do, but it just doesn't seem to work!

Do you know if there is anything affecting your sex drive? Medication?

hi - no, no medication at all. i think that's what confuses me - how can i feel for other, less suitable people (no action taken!) and not for someone who is 'perfect' for me??

Is that not just the way it is sometimes?

No magic solution here, sorry - but maybe you already know the answer.

Sex starts a long time outside of the bedroom for women, do you feel valued? Attractive? Does he spend time talking to you about you and not other things.

You need to take time out together to get the spark back.

Sex starts a long time outside of the bedroom for women, do you feel valued? Attractive? Does he spend time talking to you about you and not other things.

You need to take time out together to get the spark back.

You have three children of school age or younger. You've separated several times over this issue. That suggests to me that [a] you're knackered and [b] he's willing to walk out if you don't put out.
Would you care to fill in the details?

Have you ever felt sexual desire for your H? Or did you marry him because he desired you and was a 'good catch' in other ways ie a decent man, solvent, kind, etc.
Also, apart from his unhappinesss at the lack of sex in the marriage, how does he treat you generally? Is he kind, fair, polite, a man who does his share of the domestic work? If he is not nice to you it's no wonder you don'[t want to have sex with him.

Do you ahve sexual feelings at all eg do you masturbate, or do you feel desire for other people? If not, then you might find this site helpful.

Hi everyone - thank you so much for replying - I can already see that there are some things i haven't thought about here so i will read them thoroughly after school/work and reply. thanks once again.

I think the problem is that when we had the children, we went through a few traumatic events, i had an ectopic pregnancy, i had a couple of nasty operations, post natal depression etc and all when we hadn't actually known each other for that long. he is a 'romantic' type, leaving me to do the practical boring things but i know that this might be fairly typical. i think with all the other stresses i just turned right off my husband. Now though, he is much more practical, well a bit!, although i do worry that he would resort to type if we were living together. i could cope with that though if the sex was happening - i think it would just be 'normal' marriage! I just don't know why that this early damage is lasting so long and so if i can actually get over it. we've had counselling etc, together and apart which has been helpful but not 'solved' the problem. i feel utterly exhausted with it all now. in the early days we were really very sexual together and all was great - pregnancy, bit of trauma and children came and its all gone with him. the stupid thing is that if i were single, he'd be just the sort i'd be looking for! however i think i have put him in the 'platonic' or brother category and its proving hard to get him out! with him being a romantic type he does make me feel very loved and tries to make me fee attractive and so i feel utterly ungrateful not to feel the same way back. i feel a really very guilty about it.

Hmm. So he's 'romantic' but useless? That's actually very offputting after a while. It's likely to make you feel deeply resentful, that you are doing all the practical stuff, basically running his life for him, and he expects his dick sucked on top of that?

Ha! in a word, yes! It has made me very resentful despite his renewed best efforts - i can't trust that he won't go back. it makes me doubly cross because i'm sure i wasn't meant to be this resentful snarling creature! i wish i could put that part of me away but i suppose it won't away until i feel confident it would be different. which it won't. bugger. in a way though, i think lots of women feel like this but they are still having sex with their partner - i wish i could do the same in a warped kinda way.