Can I tell you my story?

[Mystory]

I have had the past 6 weeks from hell, this last 2 have been awful. I feel like I need to just tell the whole thing from the beginning.

I split up with ex in Jan, it was an 8 year relationship that was started to make my sick mother happy, I felt trapped and unfulfilled so in Jan I finally snapped and made him leave, I was instantly happier.

Then I was happily exchanging banter on a friends status on Facebook when 'A' joined in, he is friends with my best friend so I was aware of his existence but not to bothered. He added me as a friend and I accepted.

We chatted online every single night for a couple of weeks, then we moved to texting. The whole time he was a gentleman, funny, intelligent, caring. Eventually I felt safe enough for him to come over. Again he was a gentleman and apart from chatting nothing happened.

This continued until he came over one night and things progressed and we had sex, I have a coil in place and I KNOW we should have used a condom but we didn't.

A few weeks past, he would come over and just hold me, stroke my hair, neck, back or hold my hand.
He has had always said he is to busy for a relationship, he is at uni far away and he is a very busy young man, very driven and has great expectations of himself, I thought I could handle a casual thing. I can't, I am NOT the sort of person that falls in love so I am shocked to realise how badly I have.

Anyway I start feeling rubbish, tired, sick emotional, he points out that it sounds like I'm pregnant and lo and behold he was right, I am at a loss what to do, abortion goes against ever fibre of my moral being but he is terrified and although he says he will support me whatever he is 100% sure he doesn't want a baby.
We spend a night talking and just by looking at the sheers desperation on his face I make a snap decision to have a termination. It is done now, it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, he was amazing though it, I had the pessary yesterday and he spent the night with me holding a hot water bottle to my lower abdomen and saying soothing things. I slept better than I have in weeks with him wrapped protectively around me.

So now here I am, I am in love with a guy who although I know he thinks highly of me doesn't want a relationship. I aborted a baby I would have loved with all of my being. I am a wreck, hormones flying around and I am in the middle of moving house by myself with 2 children, 1 which is disabled.

My life appears to be a mess.

Mystory I am so sorry to hear about the trauma you have been through (hugs)

One thing is leaping out from your post however, namely that you need to stop seeing this man. You say that he 'thinks highly of you', I'm sorry to be harsh but he doesn't. A man who thinks highly of a woman does not happily sleep with her without a condon, tell her he is 'too busy' for a relationship and then make her have an abortion that she does not want to have. I am sorry but he sounds like a grade A shit of the highest level. If he was that 'terrified' of being a father he should have used a condon. Was he under the impression babies are found in cabbage patches?

You were emotionally vulnerable to start with and this man has taken advantage of you and now you are heartbroken. There is nothing 'amazing' about him.

I think you could really benefit from some counselling as you have been through a dreadful trauma. It will hopefully help you come to terms with your feelings regarding the abortion. I think it could benefit you in other areas to have counselling. IMHOYou need to work out why you felt the need to spend 8 years with the wrong man to make your mother happy, before you even consider getting into another relationship.

Your life is not a mess, you have just made a mistake in allowing this man to dupe you so badly. You need to concentrate on yourself and your DCs and forget about this man. He does not deserve your love or in fact another second of your time frankly! Please be kind to yourself, you have been through a dreadful time and you need to heal yourself both physically and mentally.

Hello MyStory.

I can imagine how awful you must feel, there is a lot to deal with at the moment. I think you need to take one step at a time in order to deal with all this. I agree with Milk, you need to sort the relationship with this guy out. You have realised that a casual thing is not for you so do not go along with it. If he is too busy, that tells me he is not that into you. I'm sorry but if I really cared about someone and wanted to be with them, I would make time. Maybe thats how women think, no idea, but it seems reasonable to me. You cannot keep waiting for him to change his mind or cling to the fact that he does like you. Sure, he likes you but its not enough for you at the moment. And keeping you strung along is the last thing you need. Either he sticks by you or he is out. I imagine having a clean break might help you to deal with things better.

Please see if you can get some counselling, it will hopefully enable you to deal with losing the baby and the relationship.
Perhaps you can get someone to help you with the move so you are not totally on your own.

For what its worth, you have two lovely children and am sure they can give you the strenght that you need. It may seem like a mess at the moment but deal with one thing at the time and you will get there. Get as much help as you can.

I'm sending you some virtual hugs and hope you feel better soon.
Lots of love.

Sounds awful and I agree you need to stop seeing him even though it will be horrible.

How did you get pregnant if you had a coil in? I thought it was impossible, had it fallen out?

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Huge sympathy.

Though it won't feel too comforting for you now, your coil would probably have caused a spontaneous abortion later. What you did was kinder to both you and the foetus. You must be feeling dreadful, I wish I could give you a mug of tea and a soft blanket!

To be in love with someone who's stated they aren't available for commitment is terribly painful. I'm afraid the only thing to do is respect his honesty and choices.

I hope there are friends in real life, who will support you while you need it so much. x

Having a relationship with you, is not on his list of priorities, he has other things in his life that take precedence, hence his re-action to your pregnancy.
Be kind to yourself , you have been through a lot, and I'm guessing that you will need some form of counselling to cope with the termination.
Please do yourself a favour and distance yourself from this bloke, sadly he has proved that you are not that important to him, and I hate to say it, probably only maintaining any contact with you out of a sense of guilt.

You deserve better, and so much more, please place more value on yourself in the future x

No I'm aware a relationship wont happen, but to be fair he isn't the bad guy he is being made out to be.
He told me the first time I spoke to him that he wasn't wanting a relationship, I chose to continue talking to him anyway.
We made a considered joint decision not to use a condom, I don't know why the coil failed but it did.
He is young, he could have run a mile when he found out about the pregnancy, instead he dropped everything to be by my side and be whatever I needed him to be for the past 2 weeks, he never forced me into a termination it was my choice.

He can;t help the fact that he doesn't want a relationship he has been honest and I respect him for that and the way he has taken responsibility and treated me well through these past weeks.
He will be gone soon and I will have to get over it.
Whether he is here out of duty or willing then he is still here when it would have been easy for him not to.

I was in a relationship with ex for my Mum because she was ill and I didn't want to cause any more stress to her heart. She died last year.

I WILL get through this, I have a super human inner strength, it helps to vent though.