DP (or ex I should say) has betrayed my trust and rightly screwed me :(

[JustaNickname]

My ex P and I split up in October due to DV when he was drunk. We went to court about the custody of our ds and I was told in February that I would be allowed to take ds and move to England. Cue ex saying he had made a huge mistake and was now attending AA meetings and would like to move to england with us once the trust was re built. He said he had not had a drink since Christmas and he seemed like a different person. He has previously been caught for drink driving twice and is banned from driving for 4 years possibly more when his second case comes up in November. He was told by the court he would have to attend these meetings and would be assessed at his next court case.

I am ashamed to say I really did believe he had changed. We didn't move in together but we saw each other quite a bit and would txt and call each other everyday. We had ds when I was 17 and he was 20. He was my first love and the only man I have ever been with. ds is now 4.

Everything was going well until he rang me at half 3 this morning and proclaimed he had had 7 or 8 pints that night plus the same the night before (while caring for our ds) and he had never been off the drink it was all for the courts benefit. He has been lying to me for months as has his family. I honestly believed he was making an effort. I stayed very calm while he was on the phone and I didn't shout or get upset. I told him I appreciated that he was now being honest with me but that I couldn't be with him if he was drinking. He then began to be a bit nasty saying that I run to my mummy and daddy for everything and a lot of other un true things.

I don't know if anyone else has been in a similar situation and please I already know how stupid and I have been. I probably deserve all of this for being so stupid. I have no intention of talking to him ever again apart from about our ds. I just feel like maybe I need some support :( I feel so hurt and heartbroken and unworthy of being loved at all :(

You haven't been stupid, you've been trying to do your best for you son by giving his daddy the benefit of the doubt.

The only person your XP has fucked up is himself. He is missing out on the joy of being a parent to your son.

Of course you don't deserve any of this, but he is an alcoholic, that is what defines him and he clearly isn't interested in getting any help. Whilst he doesn't want help he will not change end of. Just take this as a lesson learnt and work out how and if he can be involved with your child. Anything else and it's going to damage you and not actually help him either.

You believed him because deep down you wanted to, it is so hard sometimes to try to see the other side, don't blame yourself you had no idea.

All you can do now is grow from this and move on, and ensure you do not let him have your child overnight again as he clearly cannot be trusted.

Move away from him if you can.

I'm moving to England in a few months for a fresh start before ds starts school in September. I have permission from the court so all is well on that front. I just feel so stupid for believing him and his family again :( I feel horribly guilty for messing with Ds's head. He now thinks we were going to be a family again and I have to somehow tell him that won't be happening.

It's decent and kind to give someone a chance. It's not stupid, because some people do take that chance to turn their lives around and become the partner and parent they should have been. People can and do change. Unfortunately, as it turns out, this one hasn't. As you haven't been living together there's a lot of evidence you wouldn't have seen. So unless you've been ignoring some clear warning signs, no you are not stupid and no you do not deserve this.

I bet he kicks himself, when he sobers up, for boasting to you that he had carried on drinking. He will almost certainly claim he fell off the wagon just once and what he said last night was all drunken lies, that really he's been good except for that teeny lapse, and you'll want to believe him. But this time you won't be able to. Maybe what he says in the morning will be the truth, but how can you trust him after this? You never know when he'll do it again, and again and again.

So sorry for your DS. You didn't "mess with his head", certainly not deliberately. But we can't always deliver what we want to for our children. What about when an anticipated holiday doesn't happen or turns out badly, when a pet dies, when you can't get the one thing they desperately want for Christmas? We can't wave a magic wand and make the world just right for our children, more's the pity; and the day they find out that parents are not all-powerful, though sad, is inevitable. You wanted so much to deliver a happy family, but unfortunately you can't, due to circumstances beyond your control. So just love the little fellow as much as you can, and explain gently that you are not going to be able to live with Daddy again after all because he's still... how did you explain it the first time? Unwell? Let him see that you regret it by all means, but he has to realise it will not be possible.

And stop blaming yourself because that weak twit couldn't hold himself together even for his precious son.

Thank you Annie your post was really helpful.

I've just found out now that Useless excuse for an ex has missed out on 3 weeks maintenance. I didn't realize before now because the bank had labelled it an unpaid standing order as if they were charging me for not having enough money in my account for bills etc when I actually did. I went in weeks ago to sort it out and they told me that it was what I thought. Went in yesterday and they said it was actually the maintenance that was bouncing because he did not have the funds in his account so effectively it was showing up in my account then being taken out again.

I'm furious as we were together when it first happened and I told him about what was happening with the bank and he said nothing! He must have known it was the maintenance! I txt him yesterday about it in a very civil way and he has not got in contact so I'm not sure what to do next :(