sex and my cs scar.

[knittakid]

10 weeks ago I had the most traumatic experience of my life (my life has been pretty nice), after planning a hb I had to be induced and ended up having an emcs, which was traumatic in many levels. I've had a de-brief and have begun accepting that the cs was necessary for our survival, but after feeling that my body failed in such a massive way I still cannot allow myself the posibility of sexual pleasure, and the times we've tried as soon as anything touches the scar I freak out and end up in tears. DH so far has been v understanding. How do I move on?

As the Husband of a wife who had a CS with our first (of 3) children, I can say that I am sure your husband is understanding because he doesn't feel that your body failed. The CS scar is proof that he has both you and your new baby with him. The "Shirley Valentine" comment about stretch marks telling an interesting story about your life is not all bunkum but actually has a grain of truth to it, and applies to your CS scar as well.

My wife and I have had a perfectly good sex life after then (and two other children). It just takes a little time, and 10 weeks is not that long in the great scheme of things.

Sorry you had a bad time.

10 weeks is really early, give yourself some time.

echo what dozer said - give your self some time to 'heal', not just physically but emotionally - 10 weeks is nothing, enjoy your baby for now and the rest will follow!

10 weeks is really soon, go easy on yourself.

I found the c/section scarring and operation rather a shock too ...even after three of them I still haven't completely accepted my new look.

Luckily though mostly it has now just become part of my life's war wounds - 11 years since last c/section. I now see it the same as the scar on my knee when I feel off my bike aged 10...I don't like it but it doesn't bother me, except if I focus on it.

10 weeks is very early as other MN'ers have pointed out...it is still a fresh wound and a c/section is a major operation...take it easy with yourself and don't rush your recovery too much.

I found that actually knowing the exact details of why I needed the c/section a huge help...for me there really was no other way for baby to come out...better a c/section, intact fanjo and an alive me...than ripped to shreds and no guarantee of me or baby being here.

How about letting your DH see/touch the scar with no expectation of sex?

Let him and you get used to your new body before taking things further.

Having an easy or hard life is not a reason to find/ not find a section traumatic. I had Birth Trauma (postnatal PTSD) after my eldest was born - crash section with GA - it's got nothing to do with any other experience and you could say having lost a baby before I shouldn't have had it.

You might need some more debriefing and maybe counselling to help you through your feelings and self image.

I know how hard it can be to look at your scar, I hate mine because it reminds me my body let the girls down (I had premature labour but they weren't presenting right so had to come out through the zip, with both being under GA I feel far more disconnected from my births than most mothers) but I'm working on that, mostly I've dealt with it.

Talk to your husband, I bet he's a lot more sympathetic than you think. As others have said 10 weeks is very early. Last time although I wanted to my body took six months to be ready and even now I have to take things more carefully than I would have done before.

Hey sounds like PTSD and is quite understandable in the circumstances, get yourself down to see your GP to see if he can put you forward from some CBT, sounds like it would help you.

1944girl, I'm one of the rare modern classics fortunately for me it's only my internal scar.

If you go to the GP about Birth Trauma make sure you research it first as they will want to diagnose PND as they don't generally understand it and often not heard of it. I'll post some links from another forum later about where to go for Birth Trauma as it was discussed this week.

It sounds like you had a tough time and are still recovering emotionally as well as physically. Take it very slowly and if you feel you need more help to come to terms with your birth experience, focus on that. You and your DH can enjoy other forms of physical closeness - even a cuddle or a gentle massage or whatever - until you feel up to it.

Best wishes x

I hated my scar for months after DS was born (was planning Water Birth, had emcs for undiagnosed breech). DH was never bothered. Then a friend of mine had a baby who died and she said she wished she'd had a CS as the scar would be proof that she had been pg. Made me realise that a CS is not the end of the world, and the scar is just part of me as a mum. But it did take me about a year to even touch it, I really understand where you are coming from.

I don't have CS scar but have awful stretchmarks on lower tum in a line running right through pubic mound and had lots of stiches following tear and episiotomy.

We didn't have sex for over four months, believe me 10 weeks is very early days.

Be kind to yourself. It will get slowly better I'm sure.

I'm fortunate that my external scar is a bikini line, they started off doing the bog standard but she was standing on one foot and they couldn't get to anything else so they had to go up to find her. Although bikini scars still have that awful overhang that's impossible to deal with without speaking to a GP, but saying that you can't usually see it when you pull your pants over it!

OP, have you seen a Supervisor of Midwives or the Head of Midwifery? One of those may be able to help. Birth Crisis is an organisation that may be able to help you if you're suffering Birth Trauma. Although you say you debriefed if you are still traumatised then there is something your brain is locked onto and you need to find that thing. For me it was the 45 minutes I was unconscious where my daughter was born. I was put under so quickly that my brain couldn't compute what had happened, I felt like my baby had died and this one was given to me to look after. I never did resolve it properly but when I had my second baby with similar circumstances, but slower, my brain seemed click and I never saw the BT again. You can't force the issue away, it has to be discovered and resolved. Imagine a film with a bad section in it that sticks every time you play it. The only way to get it out is to find where it is and cut that bit out. For me that meant slowing down the story and understanding what happened but for some it means being able to talk it out.

Hope I make sense in my 1:30am waffle!

Your body didn't fail - it grew a baby. The physical scar can take a long time to heal - mine didn't close for 6 weeks (but then I didn't want to go back into hospital agin for another operation as i still had a prem baby in NICU). You might find you get a sort of internal tugging feeling on your scar for a long time to come, I could still feel this after about 6 months if I did a lot of exercise, lifting etc, or sometimes just sitting on the sofa. 2nd emcs was better though as was at least awake for that one. It can be traumatic coming to terms with it as it is not what you expected to happen. confuddledDOTcom has it right. But 10 weeks is very early days - give yourself some time first. Look after yourself, don't try to do too much anything :o
You might find talking to other new mums at babygroups who have also had cs will help you.

betterwhenthesunshines it helps even talking to all of you, and your experience sounds very painful, sorry.
I had always expected to have a cs, my mother did and so did my grandmother (all hers except ds2) and was always told that that's what women in my family 'do'. When I got pregnant I started reading about giving birth and loved it, started to work on errasing from my mind all that I had been told and preparing to push this baby out! It didn't happen, my body did grow a baby -too well, he was big, got stuck transversaly when descending and couldn't turn. Or could he have? given more time? who knows, everything took too long and there had been meconium, anyway. I was desperate to prove that there is nothing wrong with women in my family, that it was all down to 'overmedicalization' and lack of preparation/knowledge, agreeing to the cs was the hardest thing ever because of this.

confounded thanks, I understand what you mean, and I did talk to a midwife from the hospital about my notes, etc, and it did help to an extent, it at least made clear to me that given my circumstances, there was nothing else to be done.

Thanks so much to everyone, I never see it as 10 weeks being early days, don't know why! lots of people are pregnant again by now! (not that I'd want to).

Mizzy thanks for your suggestion, we'll try that, and I'm glad you've found that way of seeing it, I've been thinking about it like that since reading your post.

4merly thanks for your post, I guess I find it hard to not think that he thinks of my body the same way I do...

1944girl your posts are always helpful, I'm sorry for wingying and long post!

meant to add if you're bfing that took away my libido completely. Didn't return until about three months after I'd stopped.

Also if you don't like the scar being touched (initially) how about wearing something eg sexy cami or slip etc, you can try postions where your DP is behind you if you are sensitive about that area being touched.

How about putting the full sex on hold and take it back a step and just have lots of cuddles and massages etc for a few weeks before going back to it?

I always expected to have prem babies - that's what women in my family do!!! Doesn't make it any easier when it happens to you though! :( Sounds like you had a tough time - I didn't even do any labour / contractions... that's my silver lining. Also still intact down below! But I still feel I have missed out on one of life's experiences that will never now happen, and that takes a while to come to terms with.

On the sex front - can you make a no-sex rule and try to just leave it as a kiss/ cuddle with a bit of hand-action for as long/ as little as you want?

Was the MW you spoke with a Supervisor of Midwives or the Head of Midwifery? It could make a difference going through them with one of those compared to a normal MW, it's not just about going through them. It made a big difference to me doing it last week after almost five years.

Birth Crisis is definitely worth contacting and you may find them more helpful than your GP.

I agree with the idea of not trying to have sex, just kiss, cuddle, hold hands, snuggle on the sofa with no pressure in any of it to have sex.

Knitakid, when my wife (who was a midwife) had her cs, she explained to me that it is a MAJOR operation. It is not like having your tonsils out; you are not supposed to drive for 6 weeks for heavens sake! I drove 30 minutes after my vs.

The other thing is that, callous and chauvenistic as this may sound, unless you draw attention to the scar, he probably won't notice it after another month's abstinance.

Knitaid, your body did not fail you. I don't know whether it helps you to view the scar as a positive thing if you see it as the reason why you and your baby are healthy, the outcome every mother wants at the start of their pregnancy. I do not have the scar but nor do I have the DS (my delivery was reviewed and there were signs that he was asphyxiated for over 2 hours. He survived with spastic quadriplegia and died in his early teens). When my DCs comment that my stomach has gone to pot, I reply 'but I've got you'. None of us look quite the same after pregnancy.

I hope you feel better about yourself soon and enjoy your new baby.

Knitakid, my little boy was born by EMCS 8 months ago. Afterwards I was black and blue and had a really long, lumpy scar . I felt rubbish about myself and I felt I looked like a mouldy potato
Its taken a few months but now I actually feel pretty good about the whole thing. At your stage of the game I would have found it hard to imagine I'd ever like my body again but I do.
In my case it was a bit of my body healing and looking better and a bit of me having the time to come to terms with my new body image. As loads of posters have said here, 10 weeks really early on, give yourself some time and I promise you will feel better.

Undermyskin - so sorry to hear about your DS.
You give really good advice, I found that viewing my scar as the reason my boy and I are healthy and happy together one of the best ways to feel better.